But even between doses of painkillers, he was perfectly calm, even and reasonable with me.  More so than usual.  It felt fake and I hated it.

“I’m not being mean.”

“You are.  You’re acting all shitty right now – I feel all shitty and you’re acting all shitty.”  His words were tired, slurred, strung into one long breath.

“Well, you’re being weird.”

“I feel weird.  When I breathe, it feels like a little leprechaun is stabbing me from the inside.  With a green machete.”

“What are you talking about?”

He shook his head at me.  “I don’t know, Lake.  I do not… “ He squinted like he forgot what he was saying.  But then remembered.  “Know.”

I snorted.  Jesus.  Even back when he smoked weed, he didn’t get high like this.  “Are you really that messed up right now? You weren’t too messed up to fuck with me before.”

“I’ll never be too messed up to fuck with you.”

“From one to ten, how high are you right now?”

Callum paused, in deep thought.  I was sure he was going to say something stupid like “twelve” or “purple,” but he just stared vacantly through me and finally said, “What?”

“What?”

“I spaced out.  Did you ask me something?”

“Oh my God.”  I covered my face and finally laughed at him.  “I could have so much fun with this if I didn’t feel so bad.”

“Why do you feel bad?”

I was instantly pissy again.  “Why do you think I feel bad?”

“Because you think this was your fault but you’re wrong?”

I stared at him, suddenly doubting how loopy he really was.  “I’m not wrong, Callum.”

“Yes, you are.  This isn’t your fault, Lake.  Theo is a shitty person.  Whoever those pricks were in the park – they are shitty people.  It’s their fault.  Not yours.  You’re not the one who kicked my ass.”

“Right, but it never would’ve happened if I didn’t date Theo and break up with him and make you save me if he got scary.”

“Who would’ve saved you then? I have to save you.”

“No, you don’t, Callum.”

“Yes, I do.”

I was losing my patience.  “No,” I enunciated.  “You do not.”

He spaced out again, quiet for a good thirty seconds.  I was sure the conversation was over at that point but then he started up again.  “Yes, I do, Lake.  I love you.”

I stared at him.  He hadn’t been looking at me when he said it – he’d been staring blankly into a wall.  But when he turned to me, he blinked back like a big stupid dog.  A big, stupid, adorable dog that I just wanted to grab by the ears and kiss on the head.  I might’ve taken a full three minutes to process those words out of his mouth because in the twelve or so years that we’d known and loved each other, we’d never said it.  It wasn’t our thing.  We didn’t need it.  At least I didn’t think we did.  “Callum,” I murmured when I saw myself losing him to the haze again.  “Callum, what did you just say?” I whispered, watching him fall actively asleep in front of me.

And then he was out.

I cursed him under my breath.  Did he really just tell me he loved me for the first time in a hospital while on drugs and then fall asleep? I hated him for doing that to me and stewed in silence over the fact that it’d be an asshole move to wake him up and ask for clarification.  I didn’t settle down till I thought about how many times I’d woken him up in the middle of the night because I knew that if I was restless, the warmth of his chest would put me to sleep.  He rarely fell back asleep after waking up and I knew that, but I did it anyway because I was a selfish brat and it felt too good and he never told me to stop.  So I took a deep breath and watched his face relax and drift back into slumber.  I thought about how if he meant it then I loved him too.  Obviously.

And I let him sleep.

* * *

After Callum confirmed his decision to forego college, Caroline grew cold with him in a way I didn’t know she was capable of.

I felt bad because he was freshly out of the hospital and in need of care as he recovered, but she gave it stripped of her signature brand of big, crazy love.  She was stiff, formal around Callum and saved her affection for me – for blocking my ears from what the other parents were saying.  It was the point at which the whispers were all “that Lake child” or “that trashy girl with the nude pictures.”  No one thought about the fact that Theo posted the nude pictures, just that I had posed for them.  My classmate knew he’d done it but there was no bringing down Theo Spencer, so they directed their venom at me, mostly on the school boards.

The Mercer School forums, existing for the purpose of online study and inter-student discussion, were usually dead at this time of year because finals were over.  But now they were flooded with posts about me, the subject lines coded so they weren’t immediately deleted.  Mercer kids, freshmen to seniors, used it to spread rumors that were as colorfully creative as they were gross and hurtful.

“She was a cam girl since before she came to Mercer.  Someone was blackmailing her with old pictures and Callum went to pay them off but they beat the shit out of him.  Sad as fuck he was gonna go to the olympics”

“So not worth it. Like who is she even? Where did she come from? She just waltzed into Mercer in the middle of sophomore year and we were all supposed to worship her because she was friends with Callum and Theo”

“Poor Cal his life sucks.  We all knew since middle school that his mom had mental issues. No one just takes in some random teenage girl unless they’re a fucking basket case.”

“If she was crazy she probably went extra crazy after Lake HAD SEX with her husband.  Before she was even legal. Heard it from a reliable source *cough TS cough*”

“Disgusting.  But not a shocker.”

Caroline told me that as tempting as it was to indulge negative thoughts, I should find the courage not to and take a sabbatical from the Internet for awhile.  “I’ll take a break from the computer with you,” she suggested brightly.  “It’ll be a pact of solidarity.”

“You never even go on the computer.”

“Okay, so I’ll quit something I love.  What do you suggest?”

Well, you’ve kind of quit on your son.  “I don’t know.”  I shrugged, acting bored since I was vaguely pissed at her.  “Coffee?”

“Oh, no, darling.  That wouldn’t bode well for either you or Callum.  Try again.”

“Shopping.”

“Jesus, Lake.  Don’t take it too far.”

I let myself laugh and we brainstormed till we landed on something stupid, like Splenda, at which point I took the soup I reheated for Callum and went to his room.  I stopped at the door because I found it ajar even though I’d closed it tight when I left.  And he was pretty much bed-ridden.  Once I got inside, I saw him wincing with his blankets all messed up despite the fact that I’d tucked him perfectly into bed before.

“Callum! Why the heck did you – ” I wanted to ask in horror why he’d gotten up but I figured it out fast, based on another time this had happened.  He’d opened the door to hear his mom’s voice.  I wasn’t sure if it was because he was curious about what she was saying or if he just missed the sound of her talking and laughing, but the fact that he was willing to hobble in pain to the door made me hurt for him.  But I understood it – all sides of it.  Caroline was recently kicked out of her social circle and just discovered that her only son was going to be merely high school-educated.  She was too angry to bring herself to be fun and sweet with him.

So with love for them both, I was stuck awkwardly in the middle, arguing diplomatically for one if the other started complaining.  But much as I loved Caroline though, and never spoke a bad word about her, I silently boiled at the fact that she had to choose Callum’s most vulnerable time to be crueler to him than ever before.