I crumpled up a napkin and threw it at Keith. “Where’s Jake?” I said when he turned.

He glanced across the table and shrugged. I stood on my toes and scanned the room, searching for some sign of him, but I didn’t see him.

“Are you looking for Jake?” Clover said. When I nodded, she smiled. “Check outside.”

I didn’t even pause to thank her but turned to push my way through the throngs of people on their feet watching Gavin play. I reached the front door as he began the chorus.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Jake was sitting on the hood of his car when I went outside. His knees were pulled up close to his chest, and he had his head down, his fingers drumming to the faint music coming from the coffee shop.

“They seem to like it,” I said, referring to the small crowd inside the Bookish Bean.

He looked up and bobbed his head, but then he lowered it again.

I cleared my throat. “Do you, um, mind if I join you?”

He didn’t say anything but scooted over. Shadows of moths hovering near the streetlamp overhead danced around him. I climbed onto his car and rested my feet on the fender.

“Ally would freak out if she saw us right now,” I said. “She’d probably yell at us for scratching your paint job or something.”

Jake remained silent. Gavin’s voice began crooning the second verse.

“Look, I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t know.”

That got a reaction from him.

“Didn’t know what?” he said. “That I was madly in love with you?”

My stomach simultaneously flipped and sank. He was madly in love with me, I repeated to myself. But he wasn’t looking at me, and it felt like he didn’t want to be near me. Did that mean it was too late?

I hung my head. “I thought….” It sounded stupid, but I had to say it. “I thought you were going out with Clover.”

Jake stared at me with a look of complete disbelief before he said, “What? Why?”

“Well, I mean….” I swallowed hard. “She’s Clover Davies. And she’s gorgeous, and she’s amazing, and she’s—”

“—incredibly high maintenance,” he finished for me.

That wasn’t at all what I expected him to say. “What?”

He sighed. “She’s really cool, and it’s fun to hang out with her and whatever, but some of the stuff she does, it’s like….” He shuddered. “She’s worse than Ally.”

I fought back a laugh. “No one’s worse than Ally.”

“She likes foie gras,” he said, as if that explained everything.

“So? Lots of people do.”

“No. Lots of people say they like it because you’re supposed to, but no one really does.” He paused. “No one normal, anyway.”

I was still puzzled. “But you and Clover were spending so much time together,” I said. “And Mia told me you went to her house and came home super late one night because you lost track of time.”

“So you thought…?” Jake let out a humorless laugh.

The joke was lost on me. “What’s so funny?”

He shook his head. “Her dad has a complete studio at his house,” he said. “Like three different recording rooms and top-of-the-line mixers and everything. So, yeah, it’s easy to lose yourself when you’re surrounded by all of that.”

I remained silent, letting everything sink in. “You were spending so much time with her,” I said again. I took a deep breath to steady my nerves and slowly let it out. “And then that night when I kissed you….”

“And you ran away.”

“I was scared,” I admitted. “You’re my best friend. You’re my go-to guy.” My voice quivered as I whispered, “You know me better than I know me, and I didn’t want to mess any of that up. I couldn’t….” I swallowed hard again. “I didn’t know what I’d do if you weren’t around anymore.”

“So you ran away?”

“Well, you went out with Clover the next night!”

He looked confused for a moment, but then the creases in his brow relaxed, and he shook his head, smiling.

“I didn’t go out with her.”

“Whatever,” I said. “You made plans with her the day after you….” I couldn’t finish the thought. It was too painful.

“Do you remember that day I came over after your dad called?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“I wanted to tell you Clover was helping me polish some stuff to take to her dad. You know, like maybe he’d buy it. But I wasn’t sure anything would happen, and I didn’t want to look stupid….”

“That’s why you didn’t tell me.”

He shook his head again.

“But you tell me everything! That’s why I thought, maybe….” I looked down at my boots. “I thought Clover was your muse.”

Jake let out an uncomfortable laugh. “No,” he said emphatically. “She’s cool and all, but definitely no.”

The crowd inside the coffee shop cheered as Gavin finished playing. The applause was loud enough for us to hear outside. I nudged Jake with my elbow.

“I think they liked it,” I said.

“Clover’ll be happy.”

“What about you?”

Jake didn’t say anything at first; he just stared at me for a while. “Did you like it?” he finally said, his voice thick with emotion.

“Are you kidding?” I smiled and brushed the hair out of his eyes. “It’s amazing.”

He lowered his lashes, and when he looked at me again, his eyes were brimming with tears.

“You took off again yesterday,” he said. “I poured out my soul, and….” He swallowed hard. “Why?”

Tears leaked from my own eyes, and I hurried to brush them away. “I didn’t know you wrote it for me.” I swiped at my cheeks again. “I mean, you were singing this amazing song that you’d written, and I was so sure you were dating Clover, and—”

He cupped my cheeks in his hands and pressed his lips onto mine, silencing me. There was almost a hunger beyond the tenderness, but if it came from him or from me or from both of us, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t resist him. I didn’t try to escape. And I didn’t stop to think about him and Clover and what any of this meant or if it even meant anything at all. I clung to his shoulders, let myself savor the feel of his mouth on mine, and kissed him as though I’d never have another chance to do it again.

“You drive me crazy, you know that?” he said when he broke away. “But that’s part of why I love you.”

My heart raced as he spoke, and I grabbed both of his hands. “So that song…?”

He pressed his forehead against mine. “You obviously weren’t getting the message with all those ringtones I put on your phone, so I had to do something drastic.”

“I thought you were just trying to annoy me!” I laughed and sniffed and sobbed all at once, and he kissed my cheeks where the tears were coming down.

“No,” he said with a laugh. “I could do far worse things to annoy you.” He lifted my hands and kissed each of my fingertips, his eyes never leaving mine. “I was trying to tell you I love you.”

Jake put his soul into everything he did. If he said it, I knew he meant it. I just had to let myself believe it would all be okay. I had to let myself hope for that happy ending.

I sniffed again and extracted my hand to push a lock of hair out of his face. Sounds from the coffee shop faded into the distance, and the nighttime air seemed to still as we looked into each other’s eyes. In that moment, Jake and I made up our own universe, just the two of us sitting on the hood of his car. I took a shaky breath and pressed my forehead against his.

Maybe it wouldn’t last forever. But I couldn’t think of anyone else I would have wanted to risk it with. Jake would never hurt me. He’d keep my heart safe.

I closed my eyes and gently kissed him, savoring the feel of his lips on mine before I said the words I’d been so afraid to speak aloud.

“I love you, too.”

Acknowledgements

I Love Him, I Love Him Not wouldn’t have happened without the unwavering confidence and gentle guidance of my agent, Julia Weber. She reminded me to breathe after every panicked email (and most were panicked), waited patiently as I tore up countless drafts trying to get the words right, and remained this Zen voice of reason throughout the process. I owe so much to her.