I clamp a hand over my mouth, pivoting my head to the side. I can’t look at him.

Oh my God. I am the biggest bitch on the planet.

I let the tears fall freely now, wiping them from my face. I still can’t look at him. “I am so sorry, Tomas,” I whisper.

He nods in acknowledgment. “After I left, I wandered. Found work where I could. I picked grapes on a vineyard in New Zealand. Learned how to shear sheep in Australia. I travelled the world running away from my past. Then, when I lived in Kiev, I catalogued CDs and albums at a radio station that played classical music. I liked it there since the Czech and Ukrainian languages are both Slavic in nature, and I knew the Cyrillic alphabet already from learning Russian in school, so I got along fine.”

I leaned in closer to him. I didn’t know where this was going, but he captured my attention, and I wanted to hear more.

“One day, this older woman came in to be interviewed. She was a famous soprano back in the thirties and forties. Katerina reminded me of my grandmother, and she said I looked like her son who died from cancer. She took me under her wing. I lived in her house rent free and in return, I’d run errands for her, do some repair work around the house. Then one morning, she was playing a Puccini record and I started humming along with it when I was changing a lightbulb in her chandelier. She made me sing something, and I amazed myself when I heard how powerful my voice was. Then she had some professors from Kiev Conservatory train me, and when they thought I was ready, they helped me with my application to the Gotham Conservatory, and that’s how I ended up in New York City.”

I lean back on the bed, a bit calmer, but still anxious to hear what was next. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate it. But why did you leave me like that without any explanation?”

Tomas pulls my desk chair closer to me. “The reason I went back home was to give myself closure with Petra and Oksana. It’s been so many years and I just felt before I could move on with you, I needed to say good-bye to my past.”

I clench my fists, fighting the desire to be mad after what he’s just said to me. “I understand that. I just wish you’d told me all this. I didn’t know what to think. You never called or emailed. I was a fucking wreck.”

Suddenly, Tomas shoots up from the chair and falls to the floor at my knees, taking my hands in his. “Luciana, I am so sorry. I just needed to keep you separate from everything that was going on with me back home. I put you away in a box and kept you safe. I know that probably sounds ridiculous…”

I shake my head. “It doesn’t. In a weird way, it kind of makes sense. But would an email have killed you?”

He smiles briefly at my admonition. “I know. Please tell me you forgive me, because I want to be with you for the rest of my life.”

I pull my hands from his so I can caress his face, running my fingertips softly over his eyebrows, his aquiline nose, his chiseled lips. He holds his head up to me in offering, allowing me to continue with my ministrations, reveling in the feel of my hands on him again after so long.

I can’t believe he’d been carrying all this pain. Tears form again in the corners of my eyes.

This man…and all I did, berating him for keeping things from me. I wouldn’t know where to start imagining what he’s been through.

And I was so selfish, thinking it was about me, my weight, the way I talk.

It’s not always about you, idiot.

He is so lovely. He is my home, and he’s come back to me.

I smile back at him so widely, his face now mirroring mine.

He opens his mouth to speak, his voice raw and rough. “I love you, Luciana.”

I let the tears fall freely now. “That’s good because I love you too, Prague Boy.”

Tomas envelops my face in his hands and kisses me softly and deeply.

When we finally come up for air, he caresses my face with both hands, his eyes roaming over me. “Thank you for giving me another chance. I can’t wait to start my life with you. We’re going to have beautiful babies.”

He gets a distant look in his eyes, imagining our future children.

I clear my throat. “Yeah…about that…”

“What?”

“We kind of put the cart before the horse.”

“What does that mean?”

I shake my head. “It means that we kind of did things out of order. You know the standard protocol is first you get married, then you pop out the kids.”

“Yes.”

“Well…” I take his hand and place it over my belly.

His eyes pop out of my head. “Are you pregnant?”

A huge grin takes over my face. “Yup.”

He starts to tremble. “But…but…when did you find out?”

“Right before you left. Well, I suspected, but I wasn’t sure. You bailed on me—”

A confused look crosses his eyes.

Oh right. Idiom. “It means you left me behind, and then I found out for sure.”

A look of horror crosses his face. He takes a step back, running his right hand over his face and his hair. “Oh.”

He’s kidding, right? That’s all I get?

“’Oh?’ All I get is ‘oh’?”

“I just…it’s just,” he stumbles, “…a lot.”

“Yeah, I would say so,” I reply, my voice rising in frustration. “You do want this baby, don’t you?”

Tomas looks at me directly, his eyes blank, his face pale. “I have to go,” he mumbles.

What the fuck…

I quickly take two steps toward him, grabbing his arm. “Please don’t go,” I beg him. “I’m sorry, I know this was a shock, and after everything you just told me…we need to talk. Please stay, baby.”

“I need some time, Luciana,” he whispers.

Well, that’s pretty clear. He’s done with me and I’ll be a single parent.

But no way in hell am I letting him see me break down because of him.

“Go then,” I whisper in return.

He gives me one last glance before walking out the door. I stand paralyzed as I hear him exchange words with my parents, the front door slamming behind him.

Within a minute, my father is standing in my room.

“Are you all right, love?”

Not by a fucking long shot.

I rush toward him, a fresh set of tears streaming down my cheeks. “Get out of my way, Daddy. I’m going to throw up.”

*  *  * Lucy

Babies “R” Us

Union Square

One week later

I stare mesmerized at the electric double breast pump.

“That is one scary motherfucker.”

My mother looks around me. “Luciana! There are children here,” she hisses at me in admonition.

Fuck, she’s right.

I pick up the breast pump, taking it all in.

“I love you, sweetheart, foul mouth and everything. But once you have a child, you need to be more mindful of your preferred vocabulary,” she informs me.

“I know, Mom. I still can’t believe this is happening.” I gesture to the machine in my hand. “Put this one down.”

We’re walking around making a list of things to put on my baby registry. I mindlessly pick up a variety pack of pacifiers, letting it drop just as quickly back onto the shelf out of my hands.

I sigh to myself. This is something I should be doing with Tomas.

A warm arm encircles my shoulder. “He’ll come around, sweetheart,” my mother reassures me.

I lean into my mother’s side, taking in the comforting scent of her favorite Estee Lauder perfume.

“I know, Mom. I just wish he would understand that we’re okay now. I’m not going anywhere and he can trust me with his feelings. I can help him, but he’s still holding back from me. I love him so much.”

“I know you do. You just need to be patient. And he’s the perfect man for you.”

I smile to myself. “Yeah, he is.” I pull back from my mother, glancing around the store. “I’ve decided I want to know the sex of the baby beforehand,” I mention casually. “I need to know so I can decorate the nursery with the right colors.”