All of his worst fears had been confirmed. Darnell was gone; but they weren’t finished yet. He knew there was nothing he could do about it. And with that knowledge, James’s heart shattered.

For the past year while James had been off winning medals, breaking records, and falling in love, Darnell had been breaking his own set of records. He broke the record for the number of times he’d cheated death. James had watched him as he deteriorated from a chubby old man to someone who could hide behind a signpost. Now he was gone and James felt more lost and more alone than he ever imagined possible.

Nobody knew what to do or say. Anna watched helplessly as James’s heart broke. James didn’t speak; the shock had completely overwhelmed him. His body was numb and heavy. He just sat at the table, staring out the window.

After a few minutes of painful, stifling silence, James began to babble incoherently. Nothing he said made sense. Yet they all listened carefully, trying desperately to piece it together. James was lost in a sea of emotion. Although he pretended to be tough, it was all fake. James was as soft as a marshmallow. He’d always hoped for the best, hoped that he would get better but James couldn’t help but do everything he could to ignore reality. Diana had never seen James like this before. And for the first time everyone could see just how much his grandfather really meant to him.

When Anna and James arrived hand in hand at the funeral two days later, James was battling fatigue and exhaustion. In the past few months James had ridden an emotional roller coaster. He had endured the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. He had faced and overcome every possible emotion life had thrown at him. Joy and sadness; pain and suffering; loss and heartache. Now he stood in silence trapped by his own thoughts. Despite the warmth of the sun shining down, James had donned his black suit and shirt. Anna wore a shapeless black dress as she stood dutifully beside James. Anna clung to James’s hand supportively and never once looked like she would let go. It was a small, intimate gathering of close friends and family. That was until the press arrived.

James saw one man jump from his truck and grab his camera. “The nerve of those bastards. How dare they come here! Don’t they have any respect?” James bellowed. Anna recognised the pure hatred in his eyes and knew he was moments away from committing murder. Anna was forced to hold him back before he said or did something that would jeopardise everything he had worked so hard for.

“Let them go. They’re just trying to get under your skin. Don’t let them win. Just forget about them and let’s get out of here,” Anna persuaded him, half dragging him toward the awaiting car. The drive home took forever. Maybe it was the eerie silence that dragged it out or perhaps it was the day’s events replaying over and over.

***

Anna

The day after Darnell’s funeral, James threw himself back into full training. Even in death Darnell inspired James to train harder, race faster, and love more ferociously. James was training for six hours a day. He was swimming further, lifting more weights, and had even started taking yoga classes to increase his already superhuman flexibility. Anna had never seen James this dedicated. And as impressed as she was she couldn’t help but be nervous that he would overdo it and burn himself out before he even got to Manchester in six months. If Anna had gotten any say, James would have taken at least a few days’ break to mourn Darnell, to give him time to emotionally recover. But with so many people with hopes riding on him, weighing him down, Anna wasn’t delusional enough to believe James would ever agree. She couldn’t tell him how to cope with such an enormous loss. All she could do was be there for him.

Days passed and James’s grief got worse. He kept regurgitating to Anna over and over that it was his fault. He should have done something to help him. He should have been there to look after him; to talk to him. James’s guilt was all-consuming and it was eating him alive. It didn’t matter what Anna said or did, nothing was getting through to him. James still couldn’t accept it. Maybe it was his pride that wouldn’t let him. Or maybe it was the pain that he had convinced himself that he deserved.

“James, you couldn’t be there all the time. He didn’t want that for you. You know he didn’t.” Anna watched as James sobbed aimlessly. It broke Anna’s heart.

“But…I…should have been there, to look after him.”

“James, you did look after him. And you looked after me when I needed you. You did a great job. Look at me. I’m walking with no cast and no crutches. You can’t even tell that I was all banged up and broken. But James, you can’t feel guilty. It will eat you alive. Not about this. There is no cure for Alzheimer’s. You know that. And until there is there is nothing anyone can do. Not even you.” Anna apologized as she watched James crumple into a ball in her lap. Ever since the news of Darnell’s death, James had ended every day like this—crying on Anna’s shoulder. It was the only place where he felt totally safe, free to fall apart and not be judged, to not be made to feel like a fool, free to be himself.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Anna turned to James. “I know this is the worst possible time to tell you this, but I’m going to move back into my flat tomorrow. I really am grateful to your parents for putting up with me, especially for this long, but its time I went home. You have to concentrate on your training. You have the World Championships coming up in a few months that you need to focus on.” Anna felt like the biggest bitch in the world. Here James was distraught over the loss of his grandfather and she drops a bomb on him that she is moving out. Nice one, Anna scolded herself silently.

“Is that what you really want?” James eyes were full of unshed tears. Anna couldn’t believe that she had found yet another way to hurt the man she loved.

“It’s what’s best. I’ll still see you every day. Promise. Things will be just like they were before. It won’t really make that much difference…”

James snapped, “It will. Can’t you see that? Are you really that naïve that you don’t think this will change everything? Everything, Anna.” Anna had never seen James so angry. His gaze pierced her skin and burned her soul.

Anna couldn’t wrap her head around his overly dramatic reaction. “What will it change? Besides my address, it won’t change anything. We’re still us.”

“It will. I can’t believe you are being so stupid. Right now I get to come home from training every night and find you here waiting for me. I love knowing that when I get home there’s someone there for me, someone who’s looking forward to seeing me and someone I can’t wait to see. Once you’re back at your place I won’t have that. I know I’m being a selfish prick but that’s the truth. I want you to stay. I want you to stay for me. What is it that you don’t like? Don’t you like being here when I get home?”

Guilt was a bitch. It was eating away at her. “You know I do, it’s just…we always knew that this was temporary. It was always just until I got myself back together. Now I feel better, and it’s time for me to go home, to sleep in my own bed. Please, try and understand. James, I love you and I love being here, but sleeping in your parents’ guest room isn’t the same as sleeping in my own bed. Your parents have been amazing and you know that I love them, but it’s time. Besides,” Anna said, throwing her arms around his neck dramatically, “once we’re married you will be so sick of me you’ll be packing my bags for me and begging me to move out.” Anna let out a sigh of relief. She had done it. Somehow she’d managed to make him smile. Something she hadn’t seen in a while. And it took her breath away.

“Don’t bet on it, Princess,” James mumbled incoherently as he wrapped his arms around her waist.