I force my eyes to stay closed. I’m not going to wake up because once I wake up, I have to come to the realization he’s leaving soon and I’m going to say goodbye again. We went a year without seeing each other, and I know it’s my fault. I’m selfish and want the best of both worlds. I’m not sure how to not be selfish. I can’t get enough of Tyler. He’s become my addiction and I’m not ready to let go cold turkey.

Only, I can’t tell him that. I can’t ask anything of him. I lost that right when I let him go. If I tell him I love him and beg him to stay, he’ll expect us to be together and I’m not ready for that. It’ll only cause confusion and anger, and for once, I don’t want to argue with him.

He’s holding me tightly in his arms and I don’t want to leave. I don’t want either of us to wake up and have our hearts torn from the reality that we’ll be facing.

His grip around my body gets tighter and I feel his breathing on my neck. I place my hand on his and the burning flames erupt when I hear his sigh. Relaxation spreads through our bodies and it feels so real and so right. But that’ll disappear when we get out of bed and leave our perfect world. I’ll wake up alone, in a sweat, screaming for someone to help me and he’ll be thousands of miles away.

Who will I run to when I feel sad and alone? Do I have the right to ask him to stay? Or should I ask him if I can come?

Honestly, I’m a little upset he didn’t ask me to. I know that doesn’t make sense and it’s really selfish. I can’t help it. Of course I’d say no, but at least I thought he would ask me.

Silently I groan. As much as I want that to happen, I know it won’t. I’m not ready for that stage. Even what we’re doing right now is wrong. All we’re doing is leading our hearts to a pile of brokenness and sadness because the more we try to make it work, the more we crash and burn. There are still so many things I have to work on and obstacles I have to climb over.

Slowly turning around in his arms, I open my eyes and stare at him for a while. I memorize his face, every line, the way he has a slight smile when he’s sleeping and how peaceful he looks. I’ve never been this happy before now and once he wakes up, that happiness will disappear.

Resting my head on his chest, I listen to the beating of his heart. Thump, thump, thump and say a silent prayer, begging God to watch over him while he’s in California and asking him to give me the strength I need to find my way again.

Moving my hand up to his face, I trace the lines and absorb the softness of his skin to my fingertips. He’s beautiful. Last night stays on my mind. I’m glad I did something I normally wouldn’t do. Dancing with him and laughing without worrying if I’ll get hurt felt good.

“Good morning,” he whispers, kissing the top of my head. When his eyes meet mine, there’s something different. He seems happier and full of life again; like he should look. There’s no hesitation to his touch or the way he’s looking at me. And I’m letting him.

“Hi. Thanks for convincing me to go out last night. I had a lot of fun and I hope you did too.”

“Of course I did. All you have to do is ask and tell me what you want. That’s all. And now that you’re up, I think it’s time we head outside. Want to go for a walk?” I sit up, stretching my arms and moaning from the relief of waking up. “Ah, I’m going to change and I’ll be back in twenty, ok?” I nod and walk him to the door.

“See you soon,” I tell him. I head to the bathroom and get ready for the day with Tyler. Seeing myself in the mirror, it hits me that I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me. There’s something about the expression I’m wearing and the emptiness I don’t feel.

Was last night a turning point?

My face heats up thinking about the way we danced last night and how much he made me laugh. At first I was upset that he’d ask me to go out, and then as I was getting ready, it felt good to dress up and not be in yoga pants all day. He’s making me feel good and now I have to say goodbye to him. I won’t be a road block in his life and ask him to stay.

I grip the sink and inhale through my nose and exhale through my lips. I can do this. He needs to do this and I have to be strong. I feel my chest tighten and my breathing becomes fast and unsteady. All I can think about is Tyler in California seeing hot girls in beautiful clothes. He’ll fall for a Kim Kardashian look-alike and have pretty babies. He’ll forget about me.

Not wanting to dwell on the what-ifs, I get dressed and head downstairs. Sitting in the kitchen with a banana and water, I think about how I’m going to spend the last days with him.

A knock breaks me away and I hear the door open. Tyler soon appears and hands me a single yellow rose.

“Thank you,” I take the rose and get up from the barstool. “I’m ready to go.”

“Sounds good.”

Standing beside him, the urge to feel his strong arms around me takes over. Wrapping my arms around him, I breathe him in, hating to admit I’m going to miss this. “You better not fall in love with Cali and move there.”

“Oh yeah and if I do, what’ll happen?”

I laugh and slap his back, “I’ll follow you out there.” Did I just say that? Did those words come out of my mouth? I blush and bury my head in his chest.

“Say you’ll miss me,” he teases me and holds me tighter, resting his head on my head. “Say it.”

“I’ll miss you. So much,” I mumble.

“I wanted to ask you to come with me. But I know you can’t.” I smile and nudge his stomach, taking his hand and walking outside to his car.

We get to the park and start our walk. It’s really nice outside today. There are no clouds and the sun is out. Feeling the warmth on my skin feels good. We walk in silence for a little bit and that’s what I love about Tyler. We can be with each other and not talk for hours and it would still be the best conversation.

I look at him and memorize every line and every expression. Right now, he’s thinking and he’s struggling. This isn’t easy for us.

“So, are you ready for California?”

He looks at me and that struggling expression tugs at my heart. “I don’t want to talk about that. I want to spend the day with you and memorize your smile because that’s what’s keeping me going. Knowing that you’re getting stronger. And you are, Bay. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks, Ty.”

Part of me wants to cry. I hold it in and enjoy the time we have together. After walking a few miles, we take a break under a tree. We’re lying down, looking at one another, and neither of us knows what to say. He traces small circles on my hand. It’s comforting to have him close to me. Tyler’s the best and always knows what to say.

“You’re beautiful,” his eyes travel from my eyes down my body. My face heats up. I miss that look of want and desire. I want to feel his hands all over my body and the pleasure I know he’ll bring. I’m scared to get to that level with him. What if I freak out and cry? What if it’s too much for me to handle?

Love means showing and expressing, and I can’t give him my body like before.

“I can’t believe how nice it is today.” I have to change the subject so I’m not thinking about sex. “So, how are you feeling?”

“Great. Because of you Bay. These last few days have been fun,” he touches my hand, “seeing you get out of your comfort zone is pretty damn good.”

The only thing I can do is smile. Everything is going well, minus a few arguments. I’m having a good time, and for once I’m not smiling or pretending I’m happy. Right now, I’m in this moment and it’s a good place to be.

“Want to head back and swim at my house?”

“Sure,” I answer, and take his hand, feeling the immediate spark he causes when our skin touches.

When we get back from the park, I rush inside and change into a swimsuit. Standing in front of the mirror, I hold in my breath and look at my reflection. This isn’t going to work. How do I only own bikinis and nothing else? I rummage through my drawers, hoping to find a one piece of something a little more conservative. Maybe I should text him and ask to come and watch a movie. Movies are safe because movies require wearing clothes. Or maybe we can go to the gym and workout. Working out requires clothes too.