“What’s wrong?”

He pulls out a bottle of tequila and downs it. Wiping his mouth he looks at me, “Bad appointment and I’m drunk. I don’t want to go back to the house and I don’t know where else to go,” he looks down and takes another drink. I grab the bottle and toss it in the bushes. “Hey! What the fuck?” he yells.

“No! You don’t need that,” I yell back. “I’m sorry you had a bad appointment. What happened?”

“Nothing. Just a physical. I’m fine,” he says looking at me. “You know,” he lowers his voice, “seeing you and your smile makes it worth it.”

“Come on. You can sleep at my house.”

He nods and gets up. I help him to my car and send a quick text to my parents letting them know about Ryan. When we get to my house and into the living room, I grab a glass of water and crackers and place them on the nightstand. The couch has blankets and pillows.

“Lie down here,” I tell him. Easing him down, I take a seat on the other couch and watch him pull the blanket over his body. “Will you tell me what today was about?”

“No.”

“Well, you’ve been gone for a few days and I have to pick you up from the hospital. Are you okay? Should I be worried? Does your mom know?”

“Just stop talking. I don’t want to talk about me.”

Neither of us talk. I think Ryan needs the calm and quiet right now. My eyes dart around the room to see if my parents will come out and talk to us. They don’t.

“I had a bad dream,” I tell him, “and I’m afraid to go to sleep. I’m not sure how to handle these dreams. I know it’ll come and I know I have to deal with what happened. It’s just hard.” I break the silence after a few minutes.

“Can you come here and sit next to me?”

“Sure.” I get up and sit by his hip and his hand rests on my thigh. “Can I get you anything?”

“Not right now,” he whispers, closing his eyes. “Just need you next to me.” He rests his hand on mine, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you had a dream. Are you okay?

His soothing voice is making me feel a little better. “You need to know he can’t hurt you. I know it’s hard, but let that shit go and remember you only have one life to live. Don’t live in fear or else you’ll miss everything.”

“I guess so,” I answer. “So I’m going to head upstairs. Let me know if you need anything.”

“I need you to stay with me tonight. Please.”

I look at him and smile. “Okay.”

My parents are out of town for the weekend and Ryan is on his way over. Taking the cookies I’m baking out of the oven, I set the tray down and look at my phone.

Ty: Hey. Are you okay?

I roll my eyes. It’s been days and now he wants to text me.

Ty: I’m sorry, I had to get a new phone and I’ve been busy with work . . . Talk to me, are you okay?

Me: You seem pretty tight with Serena . . . Going out and having fun . . . I mean, you’re single so you can do that.

Ty: Please don’t do this . . . I am sorry . . . Are you okay?

Me: Yep. Fine. Ryan was over the other night and we talked . . . And yes, I am busy . . . Ryan’s coming over and we’re gonna watch movies . . .

Ty: I’m glad you have my brother there to help you . . . I should get to the point of this text . . . I have to stay in Cali a little longer . . . I’m not sure when I’ll be home, maybe in another week or something . . . They’re having me start a project here and then once it’s been set up, I can bring it back to Rochester and finish it.

Whatever. I really don’t care and I really shouldn’t be mad. We’re both single and he’s doing his thing in California while I’m here doing what I need to. This is my idea. This is what I wanted.

Me: That’s awesome, Ty . . . I’m proud of you . . . Of course, I wish you were coming home sooner.

Ty: I know . . . I miss you . . . So, what’s going on with you and my brother? The both of you seem cozy . . .

Me: Like you and Serena? You still haven’t answered what I asked earlier

Ty: Serena’s my friend

Me: And Ryan’s mine

Ty: And you don’t like him or anything?

Guilt spills over my guts. I wish there was a time machine I could get into and reverse time. This is not what I need right now.

Ty: You’ve never lied to me, so please don’t lie to me now.

Me: I’m confused . . . I love you, but there’s something about Ryan . . . It’s easier with him.

Ty: I’ve been trying to get you back and trying to get you to do things . . . Anything . . . And shit, you push me away. So wtf Bay, what am I?

Me: You are my best friend and I’m sorry you feel this way . . . IDK what else you want me to say . . .

Ty: Fine, whatever. I already know how this is gonna play out.

Me: Enlighten me!

I wait for Tyler to text back and he doesn’t. I call him and the call goes straight to voicemail. This isn’t good. We never end a conversation like this. I sit on a chair in the kitchen and rest my head in my hands. Is this possible? I mean, what exactly am I doing?

The doorbell rings, bringing me back to the present. I get up and put my phone in my back pocket, not wanting to think about Tyler and his nonsense. Opening the door to let Ryan in, he gives me a hug and follows me into the kitchen.

“Oh, chocolate chip cookies,” he laughs, taking one off the tray and taking a bite. “What the . . .” he runs to the sink and spits out the cookie, turning on the faucet and drinking the water.

“What?”

“Why are these so damn salty?”

“Huh?” I take a small bite and nearly hurl. “How’d I do that?” I go through the ingredients and realize I mixed up the sugar and salt. “Oh, I’m sorry,” I hold in my laughter.

“Way to go. You seriously failed at making chocolate chip cookies. Who does that?”

“Apparently me,” I laugh again.

“New nickname. Instead of calling you silly, I’ll call you Chip so we can remember this day.”

“Chip? Isn’t that a boy name?”

“So? Ryan is unisex. I declare Chip a unisex name too!”

“Whatever you say. Come on, let’s watch The Fault in Our Stars.” There’s a groan from Ryan and I laugh. I’m not going to let Tyler ruin today. He asked me a question and I’ve never lied to him, so I didn’t want to start. He needs to know the truth and what’s going on.

So then why do I feel like my heart’s breaking and there’s a heavy weight resting on my chest?

Taking my phone out of my pocket, I check it again and see nothing from Tyler. I have to ignore him and maybe he’s letting out steam before we talk. Who knows?

“Go ahead and get set up, I’ll be in soon.” I nod and turn out of the kitchen to start the movie. Looking for my phone, I realize it’s in the kitchen. When I get back, Ryan’s looking through it.

“Ahhh, hello?” I snatch the phone from him. “Seriously?”

“Why are you and Tyler fighting?”

“Just drop it, okay?”

“Not until we talk about this.” He takes my hand and we sit across from each other in the living room. I don’t know what to say or where to start. As I feel his eyes on me, I close my own and think about what I want to say. Life is a mystery and we have to make it our own. I can’t bottle in my emotions all the time.

“I’m confused about what’s going on between us. I mean, I know we’re best friends and I know you love me and the times we’ve spent together have been really fun. You do something to me and I can’t explain it.” He smiles and takes my hand. “I’m afraid to not have you.”

Ryan puts his head down and stands up. I follow suit. “I do love you, but I think you’re misunderstanding me. We’re best friends. That’s all I can give you right now. Don’t take it the wrong way or anything. I don’t like anyone,” he laughs, holding my shoulders.

“Why didn’t you fight for me?”