Ryan rubs my back and holds my hair. This is embarrassing. I want to shoot myself in the foot.

A few minutes pass and he helps me inside and we sit on the couch. My parents are out of town tonight, so it’s just us. He hands me a glass of water and I slowly drink it. The cold water feels good down my dry throat.

“Thanks,” I mutter, drinking more water. I turn to face him, needing to know if my feelings are truly how I feel and honestly, I can’t tell. Damn being drunk. “Why are you here?”

“Just making sure you’re okay. Come on, you need to sleep,” he laughs, helping me up from the couch.

“Where’s Tyler?”

He shrugs, “Out with the guys. We had a fight and he got defensive, then left.”

I slump down on the kitchen floor and let out a moan, “I’m never drinking again.” Looking up at Ryan, he’s standing by the counter, with his hands together. “Will you stay with me tonight?”

“Of course.”

Ryan helps me to my room and waits outside while I change into pajamas. Climbing into bed, he sits down next to me, on top of the covers, and looks at me while I lay on my side, staring at the wall. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I trust him, so I know he won’t do anything to me. I wish I wasn’t so drunk so we could talk.

“I like you,” I tell him. There’s hesitation and question in my voice. “I didn’t think I would and I do. I’m not sure what you’re feeling, since you aren’t telling me. We hang out a lot and you’re super sweet to me.”

“Go to sleep, Bayleigh. We’ll talk in the morning.”

“Okay.” Slowly, I close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep.

Watching her sleep, seeing her breathing, is everything to me. I wish I could be with her and make her mine. There’s so much going on in my head and her admitting her feelings makes things real.

Since coming back to town and seeing Bayleigh again, things are easier and I’m falling for her like I’ve never fallen before. Loving her has been the only thing that’s made sense in my life. It killed me to leave her behind, but it was something I needed to do. If I didn’t leave, then I would have caused her more pain.

She’s beautiful and sincere, her heart is big and there’s a sparkle in her that grows each day. I see her getting stronger and I’m glad I’m the one who is helping her.

But there’s a slight distance between us. When she looks at me, I know she sees me, and she sees Tyler. The time we’re spending together is time that I’ll cherish. Without her, I don’t know what would happen to me. I know she’s falling for me and I’ve already fallen for her. It’s not the same type of fall. There are two loves in this world. A person is able to love two people at the same time and hold them in their heart. It’s the strength of their love that’s different. There’s a forever kind and an always kind.

The forever kind of love is when you can’t see tomorrow without that person. You think about them all the time and your heart swells when they’re around. You find this love and cherish it until the day you take your last breath. This is the type of love you grow old with and join again in heaven to go on the next journey.

The always kind of love is when you have breathtaking moments together and cherish the bond. It’s more of a friendship and there isn’t an eternity. You care so deeply for this person and want them in your life. Yet, you can’t bring yourself to say forever or take the next step.

She deserves the best kind of love and that’s her forever love. We have fun together and there’s never a dull moment when we’re together. However, in her eyes and mind, she’s thinking about someone else.

I get up from her bed, walk around, and look at the collage of pictures on her wall. She looks happy with him. There’s a picture of them on the beach. She’s in his arms and the sun is hitting her just right. She’s an angel in that picture, so pure and beautiful. I’ve never met anyone like her. Being a twenty-three year old man, there’s been plenty of women in my life. But no one compares to Bayleigh. Turning around, I watch her. She turns on her other side, tucking her hand under the pillow, with her knee up and her other leg straight. There’s no pain or stress when she’s sleeping.

Finding out about my tumor and the chances of it coming back fucks with my head. I’m too young to die. The mistakes I’ve made in my life are shitty, but I don’t deserve this. How can my life be taken away so soon?

I think about this for a while, turning back and looking at the wall with pictures of my Bayleigh. The tragedy she experienced stopped her from living, and I helped her breathe again. I know what it’s like to want to end your life when you have nothing to live for. I left everyone behind in Rochester. I had one more thing to do on my bucket list and that was to come back home, find Bayleigh and make her understand. I’ve done all that plus some. She’s so strong now and I know it wasn’t all on me.

Bayleigh’s the type of woman who’ll smile when she doesn’t want to. She’ll never tell you that she’s had enough. I knew taking her to the batting cages and admitting the truth would help her. She doesn’t need anyone coddling her or treating her like a child. She needs someone who’ll push her to the limits and catch her if she’s gone too far.

Slowly sitting on her bed, I move strands of her soft blonde hair from her face. Leaning down, I kiss her forehead.

“Tyler,” she mutters, “I love you.”

Stepping out of her room and outside to sit on the swing, my fingers grace the initials. I noticed it the first time I sat here. It makes it easier to let go knowing she’ll be okay with someone else. When that day comes, I’ll live in her heart and she’ll spend the rest of her days with him. I’ll watch over her and send her messages that I’m watching her and protecting her.

The sharp pain on the side of my head grows. I groan and hold back the screaming. I don’t want to scare her. Breathing in through my nose and out through my lips, I think about Bayleigh and her smile. She’s made this whole process bearable. Despite the cold air, I’m sweating and my heart is racing. Sweat drips and tears rush from my eyes. Within a few minutes, the pain subsides and I’m able to sit back up.

“Hold on, Ryan. Hold fucking on. It’s not time yet,” I moan, reaching into my pocket for the medicine.

I need to hold on for a little longer.

Heading back to her room, I slide under the cover and watch my beautiful angel sleep. She looks peaceful and calm. I love how she looks. I can watch her sleep forever. Kissing her forehead, I move down her face until I touch her lips. This moment will always be with me, in my heart and in my mind.

“I love you.”

Ty: I love you

I stare at the message and think about texting him back. I’m feeling like shit this morning and I really don’t want to get out of bed. I know I have a lot to deal with and honestly I don’t have the strength to do that.

Remembering how Ryan stayed with me plays over and over in my head.

Do I love him?

Do I want to be with him?

These questions are on repeat and I can’t shake off these feelings. When Tyler left, I told him I’d wait for him and I love him. So how do I deal with all these feelings? Neither of them are asking me to pick, but I know it’ll come.

Lately my mind is on choices. We’re all here for a purpose and have the ability to choose what we want. Sometimes that’s not possible and obstacles are put in front of us to block our paths. How does someone know what path to go on? Every decision we make will lead us to a different outcome. We can’t take back our decisions. It’s ours to live with, so how will we know if we’re on the right path to the right decision?