Every decision we make changes the course of our life, every choice leading to a predestined fate chosen for us. We don’t have control of what will happen, nor can we stop the inevitable.

So when you love someone, it means so much more when they love you back. You start your lives together and go through all the monumental events every couple goes through. You make the decision to become his and you take him as yours. The both of you decide everything together and soon the future is slowly coming into view. When life gets too perfect, that’s when things unravel. Right before my eyes, I lost myself and I lost Tyler. I’m still trying to figure out what the best thing to do is, because every decision I make doesn’t sit well with me.

When you love someone, you’re supposed to be with them. Only in my situation, I can’t. My stomach sinks thinking about intimacy and feeling the pleasure of sex. When I think about sex, even making love, I think about that night. When people have sex, they aren’t thinking about getting hurt or being taken advantage of. Hopefully they’re thinking about how good it feels, and when you’re having sex with someone you love, you’re thinking about the way your bodies are connecting. That’s what sex is about.

Only now, I associate sex with force, pain, and dying.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go to Cabo with us?” My best friend, Mandy Scarlata, asks while we’re having dinner at Umi.

“Yes,” I tell her, “I am positive!”

She groans and stabs her shrimp with a fork and I smile, picking up a piece of my sushi and dipping the roll in soy sauce. “Seriously, how are you turning down a free trip?”

“Because I’m not ready to go out and party, Mandy.” And it’s the truth. Going out scares the shit out of me. Parties and Bayleigh don’t mix very well. Drinking and Bayleigh don’t mix either. Pretty much I’m the girl who likes to be home before dark and in her jammies, watching The Vampire Diaries or One Tree Hill. Seriously, I am okay with this life.

“Whatever,” she rolls her eyes, “I think you’re being ridiculous.”

“And I love you so much,” I blow her a kiss and make her laugh. “Trust me, you don’t want to deal with me.”

“Still having the nightmares?” I nod my head. “Have you thought about seeing Jean again? She helped you so much and then you stopped seeing her. What’s up with that?”

Jean was my therapist. She was great and helped me a lot, but when she brought up Tyler and pushed me to talk about our relationship and the breakup, I had to stop seeing her. She was pushing too hard and I couldn’t handle it. She’s tried reaching out to me and I’ve ignored every phone call and email.

Thinking about Tyler hurts. Not because we aren’t together, but knowing that if we got back together, he would treat me differently. When I look at him, I don’t see us as a couple. In his eyes, I see myself as a project. I’m broken and he wants to fix me. Only, he doesn’t understand that I don’t need him to fix me. I need him to push me and take me out of this funk.

He feels like that night was his fault. That’s one of the reasons why Tyler won’t move and get on with his life. I know he’s been offered positions in California and Chicago, yet he stays in Rochester to be near me. It should make me feel good knowing he’s choosing to stay with me. But is it what he wants? That question stays on my mind. Letting him go, hoping he’d move on with his life and do better things, is my hope. Only it’s not going the way I want.

He’s slowly coming to terms with our friendship. It’s hard for him not to touch me or tell me he loves me the way he used to. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him and I miss him. I think about him all the time and going each day without Tyler is hard. The last time we were together, last Christmas, wasn’t what either of us needed. I remember the day and it stings.

I feel his hand on mine. “I’m going to wait for you.”

“Then you can’t come over anymore, Ty.”

“Why are you doing this? I can’t give up what we have. That’s my whole life, Bay,” he yells, getting up from the couch, pacing the living room. “I don’t give a shit what you think. You are it for me. Don’t you see that?”

“I am doing what I know is best. You’re too overprotective. I can’t breathe around you. Even now, you keep tabs on me and make sure I’m okay.”

“I’m sorry, am I not supposed to do that?”

“No!”

“That’s what people do when they love someone, Bay. They do everything they can to protect them from pain and suffering. I wasn’t there that night to protect you and I know you blame me.”

“How dare you say that?”

“Look into my eyes.” I do as he says. “Tell me you don’t blame me.”

“I don’t blame you, Tyler. It’s not your fault.”

“Then why can’t we be together?”

“Because we can’t.”

“You still think about him a lot?” Mandy asks, breaking me out of my Tyler trance.

“Yeah. Here and there. I guess he’s coming back home soon. That’s what his mom said, so we’ll see what happens.”

“Do you think you’ll hang out?” I shrug and finish my sushi. “You might as well. The both of you are too good of friends, or whatever you are now, to not talk. Ever think maybe, just maybe, it might help you?”

I shrug again. “Of course I do. But I don’t want to hold him back.”

“You should let him make that decision.” She chucks a piece of broccoli at my face.

“You’re a pain in my ass, you know that?” I laugh, picking up the vegetable and placing it on my plate.

“And yet,” she smiles, “you love me so much. That’s why I’m your best friend.”

She’s right. Mandy’s been my best friend since freshmen year of high school. We cheered together and played lacrosse. She was there for everything and when she was accepted to college in Chicago and I stayed back and attended Fisher, it hurt to say goodbye to my best friend. We stayed in touch and she was there for me when I needed her.

When she moved into her apartment in Webster over by the lake, she begged me to move in. I wanted to, still do. I hate living at home with my parents. With no money and zero job prospects, well I’m sure my parents would have to pay for my part of the rent. I just couldn’t do it.

On top of that, I couldn’t have her go through the night worrying about me. I wake up far too often on account of the nightmares.

Mandy’s phone rings. She reaches into her purse to get it. When she looks at her phone, excitement and giddiness are all over her face.

“Mystery man?” She nods and hurries to message him back. For the past year, she’s been seeing someone and won’t tell me or anyone who it is. Sure it bothers me and I ask her all the time if he’s some kind of serial killer who has warped her mind. Obviously I’ve been watching too much Criminal Minds.

“He wants me to come over tonight and spend time with him.” There’s a hint of sadness to her voice. I’m not sure what’s going on with her. The topic of Mystery Man is touchy. She gets in a sad and funky mood when we talk about him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Ugh. Everything about him is a secret. We’ve been dating, or fucking, whatever,” she brushes off her words, “and still nothing. We can’t be seen together and I can’t talk about him.”

“Wait,” I laugh, “Did you sign some type of contract?” She glares at me and looks away. “Holy shit. He’s a dominant right?”

“Shut up! And stop reading your dumb books. He’s not Christian Grey, you twatfacehooch.”

We burst out laughing and quickly change the topic to her Cabo trip, which Mystery Man is paying for. She’s totally dating a Christian Grey.

Later on, when I’m home and in my room, lying in bed with a good book, I come across a scene about the exes getting back together. It’s so intense and he’s telling her the reasons why he loves her. I reach over for tissues and blow my nose. Stupid sweet guy.