“I need you to promise me you’ll be okay,” he coughs and struggles to breathe. I get up and look at him, telling him to breathe and relax.

“Stop worrying,” I cry, “I’m going to be okay. I promise you I’ll be okay and I’ll be happy. But I need you to stop talking and hold me.”

“I’ll hold you. Always in my heart. Always.” He slowly closes his eyes and opens his eyes again. “There you are,” he smiles and kisses me on my lips. “Please stay here with me. I don’t want to be alone.”

“You have nothing to worry about. I won’t leave you.”

“When I see you again, you’ll have so much to tell me, “ he smiles, “and I’m going to enjoy listening to you talk about your life. You’re going to live to be old and gray, with your great great grandchildren around you. You’ll have the family you’ve always wanted and I’ll get to watch it all happen. When you watch the sunset, please think of me. Please remember our love and remember how strong you are. Even though I’m gone, it doesn’t mean I’m not standing by your side because I promise that’s where I’ll be until it’s your time to come to heaven.”

I sob in his arms, uncontrollable ugly sobs. I can’t be strong for him because I know that soon he’ll be gone. “I love you so much, Ryan. I’m always going to love you. Your memory will live on and it’ll be us. Just us.”

“Good,” he smiles, “I love you so much and I’m sorry I have to leave. I’m in so much pain, and I’m not sure how much more I can hold on. I’m trying for you. I’m sorry I won’t ever get to see you smile or hear your voice. I’m sorry I won’t be here for you. But remember you have so many people who love you. You have Tyler. And that makes me so happy.”

“Ryan,” the sob escapes me and I throw myself on his body and hold on tight. “I love you.”

“I’m never going to leave you. I promise.”

I can hear him struggling to take breaths. This is killing me. I don’t want him to stop talking, but I need him to rest.

“You fought for me when no one else would. Thank you for loving me and staying by my side. Thank you for everything.”

“You never have to thank me, Ryan. This is what I want.”

“It’s time for me to go to sleep. Can you look at me please?” I turn my head and see his blue eyes staring back at me. “There’s my beautiful angel. My angel who gave me life and made me live longer. I love you,” he says and kisses me again. “So much.”

I watch as he closes his eyes and struggles to breathe. I hear the door open and Tyler comes in. He sits on the other side of Ryan and soon his mom is in the room sitting next to me. Tyler gets Ryan comfortable and the three of us hold his hand and say a prayer to God so his soul makes it to Heaven.

The hours go by and I can see his breathing drastically slowing. “Take care of her, Tyler. Take care of her and love her. She’ll forgive you. Just fight.”

“I love you, Ryan,” he cries and holds his hand.

“You can let go now, Son,” Moira adds, “We love you so much. Please don’t worry.”

Tyler rests his head on Ryan’s hand. “Go to Heaven, Ryan. Remember how much we love you.”

“I love you all . . .” he breathes and lets it out, “so much.”

His hand goes limp and his chest stops moving. My world comes to a slow end and there’s nothing else I can do.

Standing in front of my mirror, I press my hands down on my dress and smooth out the wrinkles. But fuck! As hard as I rub, there are still wrinkles. Whipping off my dress, I grab the iron and ironing board and pace my room, waiting for the stupid iron to heat. It’s the twenty first century, wouldn’t you think by now there would be an instant heat iron?

Grabbing the damn thing, I press it on my dress and remember this dress isn’t made of material you can iron. Throwing it across the room, I grab the dress and look at the holes.

“Fuck!” I scream and throw the dress. “Why can’t I fucking get this right?”

Going into my closet, I look for another black dress. Ripping my clothes out, I’m soon on the ground, lying on my side, clinging onto my clothes.

“Bayleigh?” My mom rushes in and takes me in her arms. “Oh baby,” she cries, rubbing my back.

“It hurts so much, Mom. I can’t believe he’s gone. Why?”

“Shhh, I know baby. I know you miss him. But what you did for him was the best thing ever. You spent every day with him and made him comfortable. Baby, he’s at peace because of you.”

This makes me cry harder. I’m holding onto my mom for dear life, refusing to accept Ryan’s gone.

She helps me up and sits me on my bed, while grabbing a dress for me. I feel like a useless child, waiting for her mommy to dress her. Once the dress is on and she brushes my hair, I see Tyler at my door. Our eyes meet and the next thing, I know I’m in his arms.

Breathing him in, feeling his arms around me, is what I need right now. It’s what I’ll always need.

My mom pats my back and kisses Tyler’s cheek, leaving us alone in my room. We stand like this for a while and neither of us move. We cry and comfort each other.

“I need you more than ever,” he tells me, “please no more pushing me away. I love you, Bayleigh. You’re the only person I have right now who I need.”

“I’m not leaving you. Not now. Not ever. It’s us again.” I hear a breath of relief and we finally find the courage to head to the funeral home.

The day is here and it’s killing me. We’re standing by Ryan’s casket, and thanking everyone for coming. The wake yesterday was beautiful. Tyler and I worked together and put the pictures in a slide show. Everyone was at the wake and they said their condolences.

I have no idea how I’m standing. I watch everyone coming in and sitting down. I recognize Serena and a few other people. I keep my eyes on her and hate her for coming. They sit in the back and Tyler is by my side with his mom. There’s another blonde next to her and her eyes meet mine. Who the hell is she and why is she staring at me?

I keep my eyes on her until Moira tells me to have a seat. I look away and my eyes find his casket. I feel the tears again and wipe my eyes. I can’t believe we’re going to say our final goodbyes. It’s hard to accept he’s truly gone. Reality hits me with full force and I have to go on with my life, even though the man I love is gone and I’m not sure how I’m going to function without him next to me. He’s been the light I needed and now I’m not sure if I should turn to Tyler or find my own way.

What do I do?

“See You Again” by Wiz Khalifia and Charlie Puth plays in the background as people take their seats in the church. I look around and see the shedding tears. Tyler puts his arm around me and I cry in his arms. I can’t believe this is happening.

“I miss him,” I tell Tyler. “I can’t believe he’s gone.”

“I know,” he cries, “it sucks. I wish we didn’t fight for so long. How can I be okay with this? My fucking brother is gone.” Tyler quickly gets up and goes to his brother’s casket and rests his head on top. Moira doesn’t know what to do and sobs while the church goes quiet.

“I’m so sorry Ryan. Shit, I’m so sorry. No matter where you are, you’ll always be here with us. You’ll always be my brother. Always, man.”

I get up and pull him off the casket. He turns and wraps his arms around me. “You can’t leave me. Please don’t leave. I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave too.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I told you I’m not going anywhere.”

“You say that now. But I know you’ll leave again.”

I have no idea what Tyler’s talking about and it’s bothering me to no end.

The song ends and the priest stand before us, saying wonderful words about Ryan and his accomplishments. The church cries and no one has the strength to do anything else.

I’m not sure what else happens. I don’t feel like I’m sitting next to Tyler and Moira. When his casket is carried out to the hearse, we gather in the limo as it takes us to the cemetery. No one says anything and I don’t know what we can say.