He bleakly looked at me. “Can we talk now?” His voice sounded rusted.

Nodding, I took the seat on the opposite end of the couch.

“You know nothing happened, right?”

“I guess—”

“You guess?” He sounded so incredulous that I had to look at him.

“What do you want me to say, Phil? You blew me off to have lunch with your ex. Why would you do that to me?”

“It wasn’t like I set out to hurt you. You can’t honestly believe that. She fuckin’ ambushed me, and I saw the opportunity to make amends for dumpin’ her the way I had while also lettin’ her know that I didn’t like the shit she had said about you.”

“Yeah? Did she apologize?”

He contemplated that for a minute. “You know, I don’t think she actually did. She made up some excuses. Damn.”

“So, what did you two talk about then?” I wasn’t really bothered that she hadn’t apologized. Her opinion of me didn’t hold water in any case.

“Well, I know I talked about you. I told her how we met and that you were the love of my life. She said somethin’ along the lines of me not rememberin’ what it was like between her and me and that maybe all I needed was a reminder. I told her that I never planned on bein’ with her for very long because I was in love with you then, too…”

I groaned. “You didn’t.”

“Fuck yeah, I did. Why wouldn’t I? It’s the truth!”

“At one point, she opened her home to you, shared her life with you, and for you to say something like that kind of blows.”

“So, what? Now, you’re mad at me for hurtin’ her feelings?”

“No, I’m not mad about that. It’s just…I don’t even know.”

“What did you and Devon talk about?”

“A lot of things actually. We were out in the open where everyone could see how incredibly platonic our conversation was, leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind that there was absolutely nothing going on between us.”

“Oh, ha-ha.”

“I wouldn’t let him on our bus because I knew it would upset you. Instead, I chose a public place to engage in conversation—”

“Yeah, I get it. Look, I’m sorry about that. I wasn’t even on his bus for more than ten minutes. She changed into decent jeans and grabbed some stuff, and then we headed out. That’s it.”

“Did you watch her change?” That thought had me feeling ill and angry.

“Fuck no! Now, what did Devon say to you?”

“You’re going to have to talk with him about that. I’m not at liberty to say.”

“What? What the fuck does that even mean?”

“It means, you need to talk to him. I think you’ll find that what he has to say, at the very least, is interesting. Maybe it’ll change how you see him, how you feel about him.”

Something flashed in Phil’s eyes, a mix of sadness and anger. It hit me that he had loved Devon just as much as Devon loved him. Phil’s decision to cut ties with the guitarist had not been easy for him. It had hurt.

“Just talk to him.”

Phil closed his eyes and shook his head. “I can’t.”

Last night, I’d done something that I found to be more heartbreaking than anything I’d ever done. I’d taken off the engagement ring. Digging into my pocket, I pulled it out, and the shock on Phil’s face as I did so shattered my heart all over again.

“Phil, there are things in your past that you need to address before we move forward and have any sort of future together. I think, once you speak with Devon, you’ll be able to heal. Until then…I’m putting my promise on hold—”

“You can’t!” he choked.

Placing the ring on the table, I slid it over to him where he stared at it in horror.

“I am. I love you, Phil. My feelings for you haven’t changed. But until you put aside your pride and hear Devon out—”

“Pride?” he echoed. “You think it’s pride that is keeping me from talking to him?”

“Yes. I think you are too stubborn to sit down with him and have a rational conversation. He’s been reaching out to you for a while now. Things aren’t what they seem. I need you to find it in your heart to just hear him out. Until then, our engagement is on hold. Maybe our whole relationship. The only thing I can promise you right now is that I’m hurting just as much as you are, and I want it to stop. So, you need to make a choice—”

“You’re puttin’ him between us?”

“I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.”

“You believe him? Whatever bullshit he said got to you then.”

“It’s not bullshit. It makes sense. Yes, I believe him, and when you speak to him, you will, too. He’s clean and sober, Phil. He doesn’t share the tour bus with the rest of the band. You need to talk to him.”

“I can’t.”

“Then, it looks like we’ll be sleeping apart.”

Reaching out, his fingers brushed over the ring I’d hardly ever taken off. My finger ached to have it back on. I fought and lost the battle with the tears filling my eyes. Phil’s eyes were brimming, too.

“Kenna…” He swallowed thickly. “Why does it feel like my soul is bein’ crushed here? There’s no way we’re finished.”

“Like you said, we’ll never be finished. But that doesn’t mean this is supposed to be easy. I told you what I need from you for us to continue. Once you do that…I think you’ll see that I am right.”

“Please put it back on,” he whispered.

“One day soon…I hope I can.”

Phil

I can’t even…

She’s hurtin’, and I feel it on top of the hurt I already feel.

Kenna stood up and headed to the back of the bus. All I could do was stare at the ring she’d given back to me. My chest felt as though it were shrinking in on itself. I couldn’t breathe. My throat had closed up.

Jason came out and stared at me staring at the ring.

“Hey,” he said.

I saw his pity. Right then, I didn’t even care.

“You know this is gonna work itself out, right? It’s gonna be okay.”

“Then, why does it feel like I’ve just lost my reason for livin’?”

“Because it sucks, man. But maybe it’ll help you see Kenna for what she really is.”

That got me fired up. “Oh, yeah? And what is she really?”

“Human,” he replied simply. “You want some coffee?”

I nodded, and he went and made a pot before bringing me a cup. It wasn’t as good as when Alys or Kenna made it.

“She’s just hurtin’, Phil. We all know that you would never do anythin’ with another woman. She knows it, too. But…I think she’s onto somethin’ with the whole Devon thing. There’s shit between you two that needs to be hashed out. I think you blame yourself as much as you blame him.”

“You didn’t see what he did, Jace.”

“Not many people did. Camryn should’ve taken it to the police. She chose not to. She ran away from you the second you suggested it. She was on a plane back to California with a chunk of your cash before you even had the chance to say good-bye. You don’t think that was weird?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I know much of anythin’ anymore. My whole life feels…fucked.”

“Just think about it though. You know Kenna will come back even if you can’t bring yourself to talk to him. She loves you as hard as you love her. But I also think that the shit that happened in the hotel with Devon and Brigid, combined with you goin’ to lunch with the bitch, left Kenna feelin’ insecure. Havin’ you talk it out with Devon just might be a diversion tactic to let her lick her fuckin’ wounds.”

“Maybe,” I said, taking her ring and slipping it into my pocket. It wasn’t leaving my side. I was gonna keep it on me at all times until it was back where it belonged.

“You know…this might be a good thing,” Jason said, keeping his voice low.

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“Because, when the two of you finally hooked up, it was all wham, bam, commitment, ma’am. You really didn’t have to do anythin’ to win her heart. She sort of just handed it over to you. You should take the time now to build up her confidence, show her that you think about her in ways she never expected.”