Dr. Umbra was a middle-aged woman who seemed kind and friendly. “So, you’re a doctor, too?” she asked, smiling.

“I am,” I replied, hopping up on the table and lying back.

She had me lift my shirt and scoot down my pants. Then, she squirted cold gel on my belly. My heart was tripping, and no matter what I told myself, I was near sick with excitement and fear. The sonogram roamed along until it picked up the sound of the fetus’s heart.

Swish, swish-swish, swish…

Dr. Umbra’s eyes clashed with mine, and she knew she couldn’t give me the regular spiel she’d be firing off at another patient. She moved the sonogram around more, and still, it was the same.

Swish, swish-swish, swish-swish, swish…

There was something wrong with it. She knew it, and I certainly knew it. That heartbeat was weak, without proper rhythm, an arrhythmia of fatalistic proportions. How it was even still alive was a total mystery.

“Dr. MacGregor,” she said quietly.

“It’s okay,” I told her. “I…I had a feeling that something wasn’t right.”

Turning off the sonogram and wiping my abdomen free of the gel, she didn’t question my feeling. Sitting up, I pulled up my underwear and jeans, noticing how loose they’d become. I should’ve been putting on weight. Instead, I had been dropping pounds.

“These sort of things happen all the time,” she was saying. “Chances are, you will miscarry.”

Nodding, I’d been thinking along the same lines. Carrying to full-term wouldn’t be happening. That didn’t surprise me. It was as though I’d already prepared myself for this, expected it.

“There’s the option of terminating the pregnancy,” she gently told me. “It would be easier on you physically. Unless there are some religious beliefs?”

I shook my head. “No, but I need to think about it.”

“Of course. If you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to come see me.”

“Thank you.”

Instead of going back and dealing with Phil, King of the Grumps, I went to the hotel and got a room for myself. Grabbing my stuff from the room I shared with Connor, I went to my own and simply sat there in silence, searching for some peace in the world of turmoil surrounding me.

This was a new low for me. I had dealt with the loss of loved ones, had grieved deeply for long stretches of time.

But this…

“I love you already, and I don’t even know you,” I told it, placing my hand over my womb. “Even though I had a feeling that something wasn’t right, I still want you.”

Not even consciously aware of what I was doing, I stripped down to my underwear and tank top before fixing myself into lotus pose. Weary, bruised soul deep, I sank into myself, into the soft darkness that was the most comfortable place in my world.

A tiny flicker, a flame with the life force of its father.

I see it, and I head for it. Pulsing with light, it mimics its fragile heartbeat.

Swish, swish-swish, swish.

For some minutes, we simply acknowledge each other, passing back and forth waves of love, a most basic exchange between beings. This little pulsar, weak and unwell as it is, loves me, for I’m its mother, it’s my child, and it was created by the great love Phil and I bear for one another. It knows how much Phil loves because it’s half of him. It knows how strong I am, which is why it’s strong enough to ask me to hold on to it. I have to hold on to it for as long as it’s meant to be within me.

“I will lose you no matter what, won’t I?”

“Yes.” Its voice is not really a voice, so much as a feeling.

But I understand. Somehow, a mother always can, if she listens hard enough.

Seeing it, feeling it, the abnormal pulse of it, I’m both grateful and sad. More than anything, I want to fight to save it, bring it forth into the world and place it in Phil’s arms. It’s why I can never tell him. Phil will fall in love so hard with this spark, that to lose it, especially now, will destroy him.

“Can you help me to be strong?” I ask my pulsar, flickering in the zephyr created by its swish, swish-swish, swish. “Until I have to let you go, will you help me stay strong for him? You love him, too. He’s going to need us.”

“Yes!” it replies, pulsing a little brighter.

Good.

Then, I can be that much stronger, too.

When I finally opened my eyes, some three hours had passed. Though I was beyond exhausted, I felt better, stronger in my head. Knowing what I was facing, I was no longer terrified. Alone, heartbroken, and soul-weary, yes, I was, but I was not afraid.

The thought of having to go back to the hospital and deal with Phil’s shit attitude had me stressed out and feeling sick. I jumped in the shower, scrubbing myself and soaking in the hot water for at least thirty more minutes. When I got out, I was done.

Crawling beneath the covers, I was asleep within minutes.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Fuck me, is someone trying to break down the damn door?

Groggy and uncoordinated, I located a pair of sweatpants and went to answer it.

“What?” I asked, irritated.

Connor stood there, angrier than I’d ever seen him before. “What do you mean, what?” he snarled. He shoved his way inside.

“What are you doing, banging on the door like that?” I snarled right back.

“You packed up your shit and fuckin’ disappeared, told no one where you were or what you were doing! You made me track your ass down at the front desk! Phil’s going apeshit because you won’t answer your phone—”

“Enough!” I roared. “I needed some fucking privacy and decent fucking sleep! And Phil has been a right little bitch! He can go without me for a few hours—”

“Few hours?” Connor raged. “No one has seen you for a whole fucking day, Kenna!”

“Say what?”

“You left Phil yesterday at two p.m. It’s now the next day at four in the afternoon! No one has heard from or seen you in twenty-six fucking hours!”

Grabbing the Burlap Beast, I dug out my phone. Phil had called sixty-three times, leaving almost as many text messages. “Holy shit! I’m so sorry. I didn’t…”

Hit suddenly with a wave of nausea, I threw myself into the bathroom and dry-heaved up some bile.

“Fuck, Kenna! Are you sick?” Connor asked, barging into the bathroom, holding back my hair for me.

“Just stress,” I replied.

“When was the last time you ate anything?”

“I honestly don’t remember,” I told him, reaching up and flushing the bile down the toilet. “I think I went to bed around seven last night. I was only going to take a nap, but I guess my body didn’t agree with that.”

Getting back to my feet, Connor handed me a cup of water, and I rinsed out my mouth. Since I was there, I decided to scrub my teeth, too. He gave me some privacy to pee, and when I came back out, he was on the phone.

“Yeah, she’s right here,” he said before handing it to me.

I knew who it was, and I was in trouble. “Hello?” I said, sounding deflated.

“Baby Girrrl,” Phil growled.

“What? I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to freak everyone out. I just needed to be alone, and I guess I was desperate for more than a couple of hours of sleep.”

He sucked in a deep breath. “I just don’t understand how you could do that to us, given what we’ve all just been through.”

“It wasn’t on purpose!” I defended hotly. “I needed some fucking peace and quiet!”

“You should have told us you got a room! You fuckin’ scared us all half to death! We had no idea—”