“I didn’t mean to treat you like that,” I stated. “You’re the furthest thing from a whore, Lyla, so don’t ever call yourself that.”

“I’m just telling you how you made me feel, Kace. Did you think I would be okay with how you treated me? Do you think I enjoyed telling you my secrets and having you be repulsed?”

A lone tear ran down her cheek, but she pulled her hand out of my grasp and quickly wiped it away.

I gripped the back of my neck, a nervous tick of mine, as I tried to figure out how to fix this. No easy solution struck me, and that made me nervous. Even though I knew I couldn’t give her what she wanted, I still didn’t want to lose her.

There’d been a time in my life when I would have taken a woman like Lyla and never let her go. I would have instantly claimed her as mine and made sure every fucking penis in the locality knew it. It was a time in my life I would do anything to go back to. To just have a moment in time where I wasn’t wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders, where I could be the Kace I once was, the Kace who knew what it was like to live, to enjoy life.

I wasn’t that man anymore.

Taking a deep breath, I gave a little piece of my heart to her. “I wasn’t repulsed by you, Lyla. I was repulsed by myself.”

“Because you had sex with me?” she asked, getting in my face and ignoring the passing crowd.

I was about to answer when someone bumped my shoulder, sending my weight into Lyla. We both stumbled backward for a second before I was able to right our balance. I turned to see who’d bumped us and was greeted by an apologetic-looking man.

“Dude, sorry about that. This ‘gator jerky line is out of control.”

“No problem,” I said gruffly.

 “Hey, you’re Kace Haywood.”

I prayed he would just move on, forget he’d ever seen me. I didn’t need this right now.

“Dude, you were the shit. You had the sickest uppercuts I’ve ever seen.” The man threw a couple of fake punches my way. Little did he know, I had an uppercut that could end a life.

“Thanks,” I said, trying to give the guy a hint that I wasn’t interested in talking about my boxing career.

“Did you hear the trainer you were using—Jono—was nailed for slipping his athletes supplements? You should look into that because honestly, I didn’t think you would ever do steroids. This just proves that.”

“Yup, I’ll check into that. Thanks, man.” I shook the guy’s hand and pulled Lyla behind a pillar so we could have an ounce of privacy.

“That was kind of rude,” Lyla said. “That guy was being nice to you.”

“I don’t want to talk about my boxing career.”

“But he was clearly a fan—”

“Of a has-been,” I interrupted her. “There is no need for me to save face with fans. That career is long gone.”

“Still, you could have been a little nicer. You walk around on this earth like people owe you something.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” I said, pinning her against the pillar. “I walk around on this earth owing everything to someone else.”

Lyla searched my eyes, and when I tried to turn away, she gripped my jaw tightly and forced me to look at her. “There’s more to it, isn’t there?”

“More to what?” I asked, loving the way her hand felt against my skin.

“More to your pain. It’s not just about losing your boxing career. There is something darker, something deeper.” She paused. “Who is the present for? Who are you shopping for, Kace?”

The way her eyes cut through me, the feel of her skin on mine, her proximity that had always made me feel so safe were breaking down my walls. The answer rested on the tip of my tongue.

“Tell me, Kace. Who are you shopping for?”

I danced with the possibility of telling her when Pepper joined us, holding a bag.

“Got the gift….” She trailed off when she saw how close Lyla and I were. “Oh, sorry, was I interrupting something?”

The concerned look on Lyla’s face soured.

“No, I was just leaving,” Lyla said while separating herself from me. “Pepper, give me a call for a girls’ night.” Lyla looked at me. “See you around, Kace.”

With sorrow in her eyes, Lyla walked away, leaving Pepper and me alone with a bustling market behind us.

Tourists and locals flowed in and around the pillars that held up the roof of the French Market, but like a parting in the sea, I had a clear view of her retreating beauty, reminding me I wasn’t privileged enough to hang on to such a life-altering woman.

“You love her, don’t you?” Pepper asked, tilting my whole world upside down.

Love was a foreign concept. Love wasn’t on my radar. That was what I’d convinced myself. “No,” I answered, even though the thought had crossed my mind.

“Bullshit,” Pepper responded.

“Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t know what love is, Pepper.” Taking a deep breath, I nodded at the bag in her hand. “What did you get?”

Letting the moment pass, Pepper reached into the bag and pulled out a green voodoo doll that was sporting a purple and pink dress. The twisted-looking doll was hideous.

“I’m not fucking giving her that,” I stated, not even letting Pepper explain her reasoning for getting it.

Laughing, Pepper said, “This is for me.” She handed a small locket to me. “This is for your friend. There’s a gray stone inside.”

I opened the locket and saw the small polished stone nestled inside. It was simple but beautiful. Simplicity went a long way at times.

“Gray?” I asked.

Pepper grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “It’s the color of repentance. I don’t know what you’re searching for or trying to accomplish, but maybe someday you will be able to forgive yourself, Kace.”

If she was looking to hammer a stake through my bleeding heart, she’d fucking nailed it on the head.

Forgiveness was something you earned; it wasn’t granted to you. It took a strong person not only to forgive but to accept forgiveness. I would like to say I would be strong enough to accept Linda’s mercy, but I knew I was a weak, broken, and battered man. Her mercy wouldn’t be enough to set me free.

Chapter Twenty

My present…

“Rough day?” Blane asked as he sat next to me.

“You could say that,” I said, lifting my beer bottle to my lips.

We sat off to the side as Diego practiced an act with one of the girl performers he’d just hired. Watching the whole thing made me realize Diego was nowhere near being ready for his club to open.

Cirque du Diable had an appealing vintage circus feel to it with a touch of erotic flair. It was a novel concept I was excited about but nervous at the same time for the time constraints Diego was in, given how quickly he wanted to open the club.

The main ring, where all the acts took place, was scattered with strong ribbons hanging from the ceiling as well as hoop apparatuses. The room circled in its shape while chairs and tables surrounded the edge. In the back were raised seats that mirrored the feel of stadium seating, and lifted highboy tables were strategically placed near the bar. Behind the main section of the club, themed rooms were available for couples to take advantage of.

When I’d talked to Diego about his club during the early stages of construction, he’d told me he wanted to establish a safe haven for those living the same erotic lifestyle as him, a place where they could practice their craft, their love, and find solace. It was a great idea, he just needed to work out some kinks.

“What was so rough about today?” Blane asked, leaning back in his chair and eyeing the new girl on stage. He was not very subtle when it came to the female form.

“Nothing,” I said, trying to brush it off.

“You know, we all have our problems, Kace. It’s how you handle them that defines you as a man.”

“Are you saying I’m not a man?” I asked, growing defensive, remembering all the times my father had thrown those words at me.