“I didn’t fuck her, I am not lying…when I put her on the bed she was clawing at my back and rubbing herself against me but we were fully clothed. I didn’t touch her, I only kissed her and I hated every minute my lips connected to her. I did it to piss you off. It was stupid I know. I just got tired of you closing down while I opened up.”

“I know….I realize that now….”

“What do you mean, Vicky?”

“I didn’t understand my own feelings, it’s been awhile since I have felt anything at all. I came to these parties to numb myself, to drift away into oblivion not to restart my heart. I’ve been burned badly in my past. I guess it’s hard for me to trust not only another man but also myself. I’ve made bad choices that have led to many regrets, one being going home with Scott Wellington. The night he raped me Luc, my mother died. She died and instead of being by her bedside saying good-bye I made a choice that cost me more than I understood at the time. It wasn’t only my ex-Jamie that screwed me over. I felt responsible for what Scott did to me. I felt like I asked for it, and then I couldn’t take what he dished out. Then I lost my mother and my heart went cold. I knew deep down that you were my undoing and I tried to be a bitch. I tried to remain closed because I knew I had to keep my sanity intact. I am falling for you, Luc, and I didn’t understand that until I saw you with another woman. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it one bit.”

Luc moved in closer to me now, so that he’s lying beside me on his side facing me, his hand slowly caressed my arm. “I didn’t like to see you with another guy either. That’s why I followed you into that room. I needed to know what you were doing, only I didn’t have the guts to stop you….then you stormed off and I tried to pull away from the redhead, but she kept on pulling me back to her and rubbing her…” I put up my hand to stop him from speaking; I didn’t want to hear it.

“Sorry,” he said with a shy smile. It made me laugh out loud.

“What’s so funny?” he asked with a silly grin.

“You, Luc, you’re such a contradiction to me…you are this big massive guy. You're strong and powerful and honestly, I think you almost made Scott Wellington pee himself. You are one scary dude. When you said you were raised mafia, I didn’t get it until I saw you threaten Scott. Holy shit, you were fucking scary. I was glad you were on my side,” I giggled.

“I want to always be by your side,” he said, caressing my cheek with the back of his hand. He was like a gentle giant.

“That’s what makes me laugh, Luc. How you can go from scary mafia to soft caring man in less than ten minutes.”

“It’s who I am, Vicky. I was raised to have power. I was raised to control things and garner respect. I never wanted that life, but I know how to use it if need be. If it means I can protect you, then at least I know it wasn’t for nothing. I always want to protect you.”

“I’m broken, Luc, I don’t know what I have to offer you,” I admitted sadly.

“I am a broken man too, Vicky, and I don’t know what I can offer you, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting you.” he said, as he slowly caressed my hair, then my cheek. Then his fingers moved over my lips as if he was tracing my face. “You are so beautiful. Please let me in,” he said with a deep raspy voice.

“I want to, Luc, but you may not like what you see once I do.” It hurt to admit the truth.

“That’s for me to decide,” he said, looking me square in the eyes, it almost sounded like a challenge. “Even though the truth is you may not like what you see once I reveal my truths. I’m a monster. I’m not good for you. I just can’t help myself. I can’t stay away from you,” he said with deep conviction. He really believed it. I don’t understand, he’d been watching out for my wellbeing since the first night we met. Those are not the actions of a monster.

“Explain it to me, Luc, I want to understand. You’ve been kind to me since the moment I met you,” I said as my shoulders deflated.

“I’m no good. I was trying to spare you, but you keep on getting yourself into trouble and I can’t walk away knowing that you do that.”

“I don’t want to be spared. Trust me, I’m a tough girl, I can handle whatever it is you need to say. I don’t know what it is but when I look at you, when I see the sadness in your eyes, the fact that you are alone…I feel the same way… I have no family. I’m alone like you… I’m drawn to you….” I confessed as my desperation for him skyrocketed. I wanted him so badly it hurt.

“I know…” he answered, gazing at me with heated eyes. “I’m drawn to you too…but I don’t know what to do with it, Vicky…you need to understand that I am not a good person. I’ve done bad things….me and you…we aren’t the same. Whatever has made you sad is not something bad that you’ve done. I’ve hurt people. I’m a dangerous man,” he admitted, shaking his head. “I’m sorry I’m giving you mixed signals here.” He got off the bed and walked over to his closet. A moment later he stepped out with a large white t-shirt. “Here put this on,” he said passing it to me. “If we are going to talk, I can’t have you half naked beside me,” he grinned softly.

Watching him contemplate his next words, I realized what an intense man he was. Everything about him was puzzling and contradictory. How could he be bad when he was so good? Even his looks were an enigma. He was big and strong, and tough and rugged on the outside, but inside was something else. He was broken and soft, despite his rough around the edges demeanor.

Luc’s sad green eyes flicked up to mine as he lay back down beside me on the bed. “The fact that we are alone in here makes me nervous,” he admitted with a boyish grin.

“Why? I don’t understand when you say stuff like that. You’ve said you are experienced with women…” I began to say when he cut me off.

“It’s not because I am nervous because I don’t know what to do with you sexually…” he laughed. “Trust me, Vicky, I know I am good in bed,” he said lifting up a hand. His words caused a burst of lust to surge through my body.

“What is it, Luc? I want to understand.”

“I know,” he nodded, looking like he was collecting his thoughts or maybe garnering the courage to speak. “I told you that my family is involved in organized crime. It wasn’t easy for me to leave the family. My father wanted me to take over one day. I was his eldest son,” he paused but I didn’t say anything; I didn’t want to interrupt. He was finally talking. “When I left France I went to Canada, Toronto… a large city there…” he explained but I still don’t speak, even though I know what Toronto is and I’d been there.

“I met a girl, I fell in love with her. I lied to her about who I really was and why I was in Canada. She was a law student and she grew up with an alcoholic for a mother and no father. She was verbally and physically abused her whole life. I found a connection with her and we fell in love and got married. Only it wasn’t so simple, she had no clue that my family was mafia. She got pregnant and I didn’t want to abandon her, like everyone else in her life had. So I married her, without telling her that I was running illegal gambling sites, high stakes poker games, or any other dirty work my father had me do for him,” he paused and turned his head. Our eyes met. I could drown in those eyes, although hearing that his ex-wife was pregnant made my stomach sink for some reason. He was gauging my reaction so far. I bet he was wondering when I would run out the door. I understood that it was hard for him to look at me when he was speaking. He turned his head back down, so that his eyes were focused on his stomach as he lay beside me.

“Go on Luc, it’s okay, I want to hear your story,” I said, urging him forward. Nothing he had said so far seemed horrific. It sounded like his father forced him into a life he never wanted and wouldn’t let him escape. He was clearly ashamed of his position. His story made me sad because he’d been feeling alone a lot longer than I had. It made my heart hurt for him.