I’m curious about how I could have made things easier for him. If anything I expect that my presence stirred up a lot of questions. After all, his family and friends admitted they aren’t used to seeing him with anyone.

“No. It’s not that.”

He hesitates and his eyes search mine. It’s usually me with the confessions so my hands instinctively come up to caress his back. I know how hard it can be to bear your soul to someone, unsure of what their reaction might be.

“It’s just that my brothers … well, they’ve always had someone. Tank and Finn grew up together and so did Gabe and Zack.”

“But you were alone,” I finish for him after he pauses. He nods.

Suddenly I understand their strange dynamic better. Luke loves his brothers, I can tell, but there are times when it seems like he’s standing back and observing them, unsure of where he fits in.

He’s told me before how it was being the biracial kid of a single mother. How he felt like an interloper even among his own family at times. Like me, he’s always felt like he’s on the outside looking in.

“You’re not alone anymore,” I promise.

If I hadn’t met Luke, I would have never experienced this closeness. Never known that I could be so comfortable with someone and feel so cherished. I’m not even sure what to do now.

Part of me wants to throw my arms around him and never let him leave this bed but I don’t want him to think I’m needy or get freaked out. For all I know it wasn’t as great for him.  Maybe he has mind-blowing sex all the time and this is just another night.

He lowers himself next to me but still doesn’t let go. Instead, his arm comes around my waist. With one swift tug, he anchors me to him. Cozied up under his arm, I’m enveloped in his body heat from head to toe.

“Do you need anything, baby?”

Is he joking? What would he do, I wonder, if I said I was ready for round three? I can’t even laugh at the idea, I’m too tired. All I can do is muster a satisfied sigh.

“Mmm, I’m good. What about you?”

His deep chuckle rumbles against my hair. “I have what I need.” His arm tightens around me.

We stay just like that, breathing together. Just when I’m on the verge of sleep, he speaks. His voice in the quiet room startles me.

“You know, you can still call on me when you need me, right? You can tell me anything.”

Suddenly I’m wide awake. Now that I’ve burned off all the champagne, it’s so tempting to confess it all. The idea of not having half-truths and outright lies between us would be wonderful but I can’t risk it. The only thing I’ve ever had for sure is Grace and I’ll do anything to protect that.

She’s the only family I have. What if Luke doesn’t understand why I did it? Then I’ll lose him and Grace.

“I know,” I say finally.

That seems to satisfy him because he just squeezes me tighter and dots several sleepy kisses on the back of my neck. I fall asleep wishing I could be satisfied so easily.

†

Later that night, I wake. I’m not used to sleeping in this room so I’m momentarily disoriented. Luke is on the other side of the bed typing on his laptop. At some point he must have gotten up because he’s got on a T-shirt and some boxer shorts. His brow is crinkled as he types, like he’s troubled. It’s surprising how much it bothers me to see him like that. Immediately I want to comfort and help him.

 I sit up and all my muscles protest. That’s when I remember exactly why I’m in this room. And what we were up doing half the night.

He glances over at me. When he sees how slowly I’m moving, he gives me a sheepish smile. “Sore, huh?”

“Yeah. We were a little enthusiastic earlier.”

He puts his laptop on the night table. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”

“I’m a light sleeper. That’s not your fault. I’ve always had trouble sleeping.” You’d think it would be impossible for me to be bashful after the things we did earlier, the places I had my mouth, but somehow I still manage it. I can barely look him in the eye.

“Me too. My mom used to say my mind was too busy.” He moves closer and pulls me against him.

I snuggle up to him, burying my face in his shirt and directly into that perfect Luke smell.

“Busy. I like that. It makes me feel productive instead of defective. Do you mind if I do some work, too? Or are you ready to go back to sleep now?”

“No, go ahead. I rarely sleep regular hours.”

I get out of bed before remembering that I’m completely naked. His eyes roam over me hungrily as I hastily snatch the sheet from the end of the bed and wrap it around me. His eyes follow my movements as I edge out of the room.

My laptop bag is in the living room next to the couch. I grab my laptop and carry it back to bed with me. Luke is absorbed in whatever he’s working on so I open my email and start deleting all the junk mail.

Then I see a message from an unfamiliar address. When I look closer, I realize that it’s an FBI email address. The subject simply says status update.

I freeze, my eyes darting over to Luke. His eyes are still glued to his screen so I open the email.

ETA on project. Please respond.

There’s no signature but I don’t need one to know who it’s from. Agent Walker has been completely quiet over the past week but did I seriously think he was going to give me an unlimited timeframe to get the job done? He was explicit in his instructions. Get him a way into Luke’s computer and he would take care of the rest.

In exchange, I would get immunity for all my past indiscretions and he’d ensure that my petition for custody of Grace would go through.

But I should have known that there would be unforeseen repercussions of this Faustian bargain. I never thought it would be easy to betray a friend but Agent Walker had assured me that Luke wasn’t their target. They just wanted to get intel on his father.

It hadn’t seemed like such a bad exchange at the time. After all, I knew that Luke didn’t even know his father.

But after meeting his brothers and their wives and girlfriends, it doesn’t seem like such a simple exchange. What if something they find out has repercussions for one of his brothers? I have no way of knowing if something on his computer could implicate one of them. Everything that seemed so crystal clear a week ago is suddenly complicated as hell.

I delete the email and then clear my trash. I’m really good at putting my head in the sand and for once I don’t berate myself for it. This night with Luke has been one of the best in my life and I don’t want to let anything intrude on that. Tomorrow is soon enough to face the consequences of my actions.

Luke closes his laptop and puts it back on his nightstand.

I look up and force a smile. “Are you ready to sleep? I’m done.” I close my computer too and set it gently on the floor.

When I turn back around, I notice my sheet is slipping. I grab at it but it keeps moving downward. That’s when I realize it’s not slipping.

Luke is pulling it off.

He yanks harder and the sheet slides off completely. My nipples pebble in the cool air. Desire returns so swiftly I’m left light-headed. His head descends and goosebumps spread everywhere his lips touch.

As he kisses his way up my leg, I finally gather my voice enough to ask, “Aren’t we going to sleep now?”

He looks up from the cradle of my thighs. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

chapter eleven