Standing, I decided to go downstairs and belt out a couple of repetitions on the bags. That, if nothing else, would curb my anxiety until the morning when I’d start calling every hospital in the city.

As I clattered down the stairs into the dark gym, I felt his presence before I saw him. My skin prickled like it was charged with some kind of static electricity. It zinged through my veins, making my heart beat double-time.

Across the floor, I saw Ash’s bulky form in the half-light, his stance solid and his shoulders hunched. He wore nothing but a pair of shorts, and his hands were wrapped much like the way he used to do them when we fought at The Underground. No gloves or protection, just a piece of material between his knuckles and his target.

He was attacking a bag with so much force I knew something wasn’t right. The smack of his fists against leather was loud in the silence as each punch landed. A set of three, then four, a single, then three. A sharp exhale of breath pierced the air, matching his punches beat for beat.

Weaving through the weights, I approached him through the darkness. He was right at the back of the gym like he was trying to hide, attacking the bag that hardly anyone ever used because it was so darn heavy. Only fools like Ash dared go as hard as he currently was on a bag holding that much weight.

Something was bothering him. Something big.

“Ash?”

My voice echoed in the empty gym, and he glanced at me before attacking the bag once more. His torso was glistening with sweat, and his hair was damp, making me wonder how long he’d been here. At least before nine when the place closed for the night, which meant I’d been waiting upstairs all this time like a chump.

“Ash, it’s after ten,” I said, edging closer.

“So?” he replied, starting another set of punches.

I reached out and curled my hand around his forearm. “Come and take a shower with me.”

“I’m not done.”

“Ash—”

He wrenched his arm away. “I said, I’m not done.”

I jerked backward like I’d been slapped, winding my arms around my middle. He’d never spoken to me like that since… Well, since before we were together, and look at all the shit he’d been hiding then.

He ran a wrapped hand over his face before sucking in a deep breath. The only sound in the silence was the creak of leather as the bag swung back and forth like a pendulum.

“Where were you today?” I asked gently, dread well and truly settling into my bones.

He shook his head, his gaze never meeting mine. He looked like he was fighting an internal battle with himself, and all it did was make my heart ache.

With the way he was hedging around the question, I was beginning to think he meant to go back to The Underground. It was like I’d been propelled back a couple of years to when he was pulling the same crap when he’d turn up at Beat late at night with cuts and bruises on his face.

“I tried calling you, but your phone was off,” I said, watching him carefully.

“I had something to do.”

Not good enough. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“Ren, I can’t,” he snapped.

“Secrets were what tore us apart in the first place,” I cried. “What’s yours is mine, remember?”

He was looking at me, but it felt like he wasn’t even there.

“Where did you go today?” I asked.

He was silent for so long, I almost walked away then and there. Finally, he said, “Some things I can’t share with you.”

Instantly, my expression crumpled, and my limbs began to feel heavy. My heart stopped beating for a split second as everything slowed down.

“What?” I asked, my voice ragged.

“I can’t,” he said more quietly, his eyes on the floor. My heart split in two. It was so forceful, I actually stumbled back a step.

No. Not again.

“You can’t?” I asked, my voice sounding far away.

I don’t love you, Ren. I can’t love you. I’m already lost. Get the fuck out, and don’t come back. He’d said those words right before he’d forced me to run the night Hammer attacked me at Beat. Now, all they did was echo through my mind like a warning. They repeated over and over until all I could think about was the fact that he was going to leave me again. That’s what this was, wasn’t it? All the edginess, the distance, the secrets? Ash was going to abandon me again. That’s what the words ‘I can’t’ meant.

I was frozen to the spot with tears welling in my eyes, my throat tight with restrained emotion. Do something, Ren. Do something.

Swallowing hard, my lip curled into a sneer. Fuck him. I wasn’t going to give him the chance to break me, not this time.

Without a word, I spun on my heel and stalked across the mats, my hands beginning to shake. With each painful step, I felt a void of emptiness open between us, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t be in this place anymore. This home and life he’d built for us was beginning to look a lot like an elaborate lie. A motherfucking game at my expense.

“Ren!”

I heard his shout behind me as I bounded up the stairs. My footsteps echoed in the enclosed space like a replacement for my cold dead heart as I ran down the hall and shoved into the apartment. If I let it in and really felt what was happening, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to survive the pain. If this was really the end, then I doubted I’d ever be the same again even if I could get over him.

“Ren, stop.”

He’d chased after me, but it was already too late.

Grabbing my arm, he pulled me around to face him. “Ren.”

“Don’t,” I snapped, and he immediately let go. I couldn’t take this bullshit again. Not after everything we’d been through to get here.

Shoving away from him, I strode down the hall and into the bedroom. I couldn’t be here.

Not anymore.

Twelve

Ash

My father was right.

In that moment, when my hand was wrapped around Ren’s arm and her anger toward me was an inferno, a switch was flipped in my head. I was crossing a line I vowed never to toe.

I let her go, and she shoved me away, making a break for the bedroom.

Desperation began to creep through my veins, and I followed her. I needed to fix this. I was pissed at my dad, I was pissed at myself, and I was afraid of the things I was capable of, but I still needed her.

She was in the walk-in closet, pulling clothes off hangers and opening drawers, leaving things strewn all over the place. In the two seconds she’d been in here, it looked like a bomb had gone off, and I clutched the doorjamb with a trembling hand. She was shoving clothes haphazardly into her bag, not even slowing to fold them.

“What are you doing?” I asked, watching her with mounting anxiety.

“What does it look like?” she snapped, not even glancing up at me.

“You’re leaving?”

“I’ve told you time and time again secrets are a deal breaker. That, downstairs…” She shook her head, clearly disappointed and hurt. “I remember that. You’ve done it to me before.”

The night Hammer attacked her. She thought I was going to leave her? I wasn’t, but it was inevitable that our road would lead us there if I couldn’t control the monster inside me. Selfishly, I still didn’t want her to go.

“No, no, no,” I wailed. “Ren, please.”

“Fucked if I let you do it to me again.” If she felt at least a little upset at the fact that I was here on the verge of delirium, she didn’t show it.

“Where are you going?” I asked, knowing she’d probably go straight to Beat.

She ignored my question and zipped up her bag, the rasp of the zipper sounding very final in the quiet room.

I reached out for her as she weaved past me, desperate to feel her skin against mine, and she jerked backward like I was poison.