“You’re right,” I said, and Ryan’s eyebrows rose even higher. “The mark of a good fighter is knowing his strengths and weaknesses. A big part of that is being able to acknowledge them.” I cast my gaze out over the gym and saw Cole blowing off steam by talking to a pretty girl by the weight machines. “I’m pissed off,” I went on, “and I shouldn’t bring that in here.”

Ryan slapped me on the shoulder and grinned. “That’s why you’re the coach.”

I grimaced.

“So,” he began with a wicked grin. “When do you think I’ll be ready to give a qualifier a shot?”

I rolled my eyes, my thoughts still firmly on the gaping wound Ren’s absence had left in my heart and soul.

“Talk to me about it next week.”

His eyes widened. “Next week?”

“Yeah,” I shot back, gesturing for Cole to get his ass back in the cage.

I’d never get over Ren Miller, but the world didn’t wait for heartbroken fools to get back on their feet.

**

I felt focused for about five minutes, but when everyone went home and I was alone in the apartment, everything came back with shocking clarity.

I was alone, and it was all my fault. Shoving my head into the sand and focusing on the goings on at the gym wasn’t enough to fill the gaping hole. It would never be enough.

Through the windows, I could see the Melbourne skyline all lit up with yellow and orange lights, the tiny glowing windows on the multitude of skyscrapers home to thousands of people I’d never meet. People who didn’t give two stuffs about a heartbroken asshole alone in a posh apartment in Abbotsford.

I didn’t have anyone else to call, so I picked up the phone and pressed my sister’s name.

“Ash?” She sounded sleepy like I’d woken her.

“Hey,” I replied. “Did I wake you?”

“It’s okay,” she said. “I was just drifting off, but if something’s the matter…”

Rubbing my eyes with my free hand, I said, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll call you back tomorrow.”

“Ash,” she scolded. “I’m totally awake now, so spit it out.”

I sighed heavily, the darkness in the apartment echoing how I felt on the inside. “Something’s happened.”

“What do you mean? Are you okay? Is Ren okay?”

“She left me.”

Violet gasped audibly, and it didn’t help my psyche one iota.

“What do you mean?” she asked, the disbelief plain in her voice.

“It means exactly what it sounds like,” I retorted.

“What happened?” She sounded distraught, echoing what was happening below the surface of my passive exterior.

“I went to see Mum and Dad.”

“You what?” she shrieked, making me hold the phone away from my ear. “Why would you even consider it?”

“I guess I wanted to know if…” I trailed off, not even knowing why I’d gone there in the first place. Everything was so fucked up, I couldn’t tell up from down.

“What?” Vee asked.

I sighed heavily, really beginning to feel both her and Ren’s absence.

“Ash.”

“I guess I wanted to know if I was still like him,” I spat.

“Like him?” she scoffed. “Not a chance.”

“I am, Vee.” I stood and began to pace the length of the lounge room. “I am like him. A monster.”

“A monster? Shit, Ash, you get angry sometimes, but you’re not a monster.”

“I get so fucking angry I lose all control, Vee. I can still feel it inside me—” I cut off abruptly as I came face to face with the empty spot where I’d hung the photo of Ren and me. The hole was still there from when I’d ripped the hook out of the wall. A broken, jagged hole.

“Ash?”

“What if I hurt her?” I whispered. “Of all the things I’ve done… Hammer, The Underground… What if I hurt her by accident, Vee?”

“Is that why she left?”

“No, I never touched her like that. Never.”

“Then you kept all of this from her. Is that it?”

I grunted. That’s exactly what it was. Keeping secrets like this from Ren was pretty much the same thing as cheating. Her dad had cheated when she was a baby and left her for a new family, and she’d been lied to about that by her mum her entire life. Her whole childhood was based on secrets. Of course she felt like I’d ripped her heart out.

“Ash, you know—”

“Vee.”

“She brought you back, remember? You told me all about that day at Beat, and she was the only one who took that chance.”

She was right. That day was one of many that were burned into my brain. I’d gotten a threatening phone call from Hammer trying to put me off my game so he could edge me out of the Championship at The Underground. After he and I both got kicked from the AUFC, I’d gone to prison and he’d gone straight to cage fighting. He’d been king until I was invited along for the ride, and I inadvertently took what was his yet again. He’d threatened Violet that day, and he’d had his sights set on Ren even though she and I weren’t together at that point. I vaguely remembered smashing glass and her hands on my face. That was all. Being apart was just as dangerous as being together, so I gave in and fell in fucking love.

Everything was different now because this time, I was the one who was dangerous. I was a ticking time bomb without a countdown. That shit could go off at any time.

“It doesn’t matter,” I spat. “She’s gone.”

“Then you need to go and get her the fuck back!” she exclaimed. “Do I have to come and get her again?”

I remembered when I’d been under house arrest, I’d sunk into depression so badly, it had forced my then reclusive sister to go out into the world and find Ren. I’d been so stuck in my own darkness that I’d forced an agoraphobe to go do what I couldn’t. How was that being the right man for Ren? It wasn’t.

“You need to tell her everything, Ash,” Violet said. “You need to let her in all the way. She wants to be strong with you and for you, just like you do for her. You need to let her.”

“She’s already split, so why make it more painful than it already is?”

“You need to tell her the truth.”

“I broke it,” I snapped. “I broke it in the worst possible way.”

“Love conquers all.”

“Fuck, Violet,” I exclaimed. “This is not one of your romance novels.”

“Asshole,” she spat. “You and Ren are soul mates, Ash.”

Soul mates. It seemed like a dream and a million years since I stood in that jewelry shop and bought her that ring. Pausing by the side table, I slid open the drawer, the phone still pressed up against my ear.

“Ash? Are you still there?”

“Yeah.” The little black box was still there, sitting fuckin’ pretty against the coffee colored finish of the side table.

“You need to listen to me,” she said calmly. “If I hadn’t believed in this thing between Lincoln and me, then I’d still be wasting away in that house. At some point you’ve just gotta give it all up and believe, Ash. Believe in Ren because she’s the real deal. You and her. You need to trust her with your fear.”

I was going to ask Ren to marry me, but if I couldn’t do this, then what was the point? Marriage was all about for better or for worse, and if we couldn’t hack the worse part… We’d been through some pretty heavy stuff and for this to break us apart? What a downer.

“I have to go,” I said and hung up the call.

Violet was right as per usual. There was only one thing I could do and that was put everything on the table and let Ren decide.

Without another thought, I pocketed the ring, locked up the gym, got in the car, and drove to Beat.

All or nothing.

**

It was past ten p.m. by the time I parked down the street from Beat.

Lingering on the footpath, I could see the dim glow from a light someplace inside the studio. She was there. She had to be.

It harkened back to a time before Ren and I got together. She’d train in the dead of night, and I’d come and join in as an excuse to get closer to her. After spending the night dishing out pain at The Underground, she was the thing that kept me on my feet…even if she didn’t realize it.