The crack of the bat brought me back to the present and I shot up, jumping up and down. “You did it! Run! Run!” I shouted, darting past home plate toward first to show him how to run the bases. “Keep going until I tell you to stop!”

“See! I’m Big Papi!”

I beamed, my smile reaching my eyes. It was the happiest I could remember being for months. Moments like these made me feel as if I had some purpose. “Yes, you are!”

As he rounded the bases, the opposite team cheering along with his own, I glanced at my watch.

Clapping as everyone congratulated the little boy, I gestured to them. “Come on. Bring it in, everyone!” They all ran toward me, throwing their second-hand baseball gloves in a mound. “That’s it for today,” I said and they all groaned. “We’ll pick it up sometime after your classes this week.”

“Can we watch a real baseball game one day?” a little girl, who couldn’t have been more than eight, asked.

“I’ll see what I can do,” I said, wishing there was a way for me to share the joy of a live baseball game with these kids. They probably would never be able to savor the smell of popcorn and hot dogs as they listened to the crack of the bat echo through the ballpark, thousands of people cheering. It was one of the things that always excited me, even as I neared my thirties. There was something timeless about sitting in Fenway Park watching the Red Sox play. It was something I believed everyone should experience at least once in their lives. Knowing these kids were lucky to even be alive reinvigorated why I was here, despite the nagging doubt finding me at odd times.

After getting hugs from nearly all the children, Eli and I packed up the equipment and locked it in the storage shed. We hopped in our armored truck and left the refugee camp, beginning the three hour journey to the communications center for my weekly check-in with my brother.

“We missed Fourth of July,” Eli commented during our drive.

“It seems like we’ve missed a lot, doesn’t it?”

“Is Griffin still with your mom?”

“Yeah. She loves that dog. I’m sure she’s going to have a hard time parting with him when I get back home.”

“And when do you think that will be?” Eli asked, never missing an opportunity to convince me it was time we leave, with or without my brother’s permission.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I’m ready to walk away now. These kids… I feel like I’d be abandoning them if I just go. Maybe it’s been a blessing in disguise that Alexander keeps insisting we stay over here.”

“And what about your life back home?” Eli countered. “What about your family? Your responsibilities?” He lowered his voice. “What about Mackenzie? Don’t you think you’re abandoning her?”

I sighed. “That ship may have sailed. It’s been almost four months. I’m not sure she’ll want to see me again. I had a window of opportunity and it’s probably closed.”

“So you’re just going to dismiss her and pretend none of it happened? If you ask me, seems like an easy way out.”

“I’m not looking for a way out, Eli,” I countered. I turned my head away from him and stared at the barren desert, the vehicle kicking up dust as we drove, but I couldn’t ignore the truth in his words. Was giving her space just an excuse to not have to face my problems? I wronged her and the guilt ate away at me. But staring into her eyes again would just remind me that I failed her…and myself.

“I’m doubtful she’ll want to see me after everything,” I added, my voice low.

“Or maybe she’s worried because she doesn’t know where you are.” I could feel his eyes studying me. “Maybe she needs some sort of closure and your being over here, trying to run from your responsibility, has left her more confused than ever. How would you feel if you were in her shoes? You find out everything you believed was a lie, but the one person who could answer all your questions mysteriously disappears?”

“She’s the one who told me to let her go,” I explained.

“And you didn’t,” Eli shot back. “Do you think she was able to let you go?”

“I don’t know,” I said dismissively, the uneasy feeling that had begun to form in the pit of my stomach growing stronger and stronger. Over the past month, something had seemed off to me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. At least once a week, I briefly entertained the notion of disobeying my brother’s orders, but that was as far as it had ever gotten. In truth, I liked the bubble I had been living in, regardless of the fact I was all too aware that I was ignoring my duties and responsibilities back home. Over here, it was as if none of my problems would find me, as if I wouldn’t have to be faced with a reminder of what I had done.

“At some point, you have to stop running and face this. You both need closure so you can move on with your lives. You owe that much to each other.” He paused and lowered his voice. “You owe that much to her.”

I closed my eyes and leaned against the window. “She got the closure she needed when she found out who I was…a monster who used her. She deserves to be happy, but that can’t be with me. She’s probably already moved on and is dating someone else.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure, Ty.”

“What makes you say that?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just a feeling.”

I simply nodded, not responding. As much as I wanted to believe Mackenzie hadn’t moved on, I knew it would never work out between us. How could she trust me again when, for the short period of time we were together, it was based on duty, an obligation? When it all fell apart, I blindly followed my brother’s instructions that I leave the country, at least until any potential threat had been neutralized. I should have picked up the phone or sent an email, despite my brother’s warning that I not communicate with her at all. Now, so much time had passed – too much really – I was sure I had ruined any chance that I was still on her mind.

Sighing, I pulled my dog tags out from under my t-shirt and stared at the diamond ring hanging on the chain. It was now a reminder that all actions have consequences, that I didn’t deserve to be happy, that I didn’t deserve anything except to live with the lonely again, as I had been doing since I watched Mackenzie disappear into the back seat of a taxi. It was the penance I deserved to pay.

We passed the remainder of the drive in a strained silence. Around mid-afternoon, we finally pulled up to the remote communications center. It was in the middle of nowhere, no other civilization visible. To the outside world, it appeared as a small military base, tall metal walls enclosing the compound, barbed wire surrounding the area, but it was really a CIA outpost we were granted permission to use to communicate with people back home.

Pulling up to a dark gray armored door, Eli punched a secure access code into a keypad and we were granted entry. Eli parked the truck in our usual spot in front of a small white brick building that looked like it had seen better days.

Nodding a greeting to the guard at the front door, I proceeded past him and unlocked what had become my office. Eli waited outside, making small talk with a few of the agents on duty.

I checked the clocks on the wall, seeing it was roughly nine in the morning on Sunday in Boston. Opening up my laptop, I connected to the secure satellite, giving me internet access. I was about to launch a video chat with Alexander when my email caught my eye. I had ignored all my emails, per my brother’s instructions, but when I saw the sender of the latest one, there was a lightness in my chest, an unexpected rush of adrenaline coursing through me.

I could hear my brother’s voice in my head, urging me to delete it, not to read it. But why? So much time had passed. I doubted anyone would take notice of any communication between us. Just seeing her name forced thousands of feelings I had fought to bury over the past few months to rush to the surface.