“I know. But if my memory serves me correctly, something tells me the wait will be worth it.” He raised his eyebrows, his eyes raking over my body in a devious way.

His persistence shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me. It was one of the things that attracted me to him in the beginning. He saw me as a challenge back then. I could only assume he saw me the same way now. Despite wanting to take things slow, it was oddly comforting to have him here with me, to feel his warmth approach behind me as I unlocked my door. I felt more safe and at ease than I had in months.

I stepped through the foyer and into the living area, clicking on the lights. When I sensed Tyler was no longer behind me, I spun around to see him hesitating just past the doorway, eyeing my security alarm panel.

Crossing his arms in front of his chest, his expression turned concerned. “Please tell me the only reason you didn’t arm your system was because you simply forgot.”

I continued into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator, and shrugged. “Everything’s been fine, Tyler. No break-ins.” Taking a sip of my water, I faced him. He took strong, determined steps into my open living area, his presence filling the room in an almost intimidating manner, his gaze unrelenting.

“Anyway…” I sat down on my couch. “It seems you’ve had someone keeping an eye on me, so I don’t really see why it matters.”

“It’s not just yourself you have to worry about now, Mackenzie.” His face softened as his eyes traveled to my stomach. He sat down beside me. “Don’t get me wrong.” He took my water from me and placed it on the coffee table. Clutching both my hands in his, he continued, “I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to you, but there’s a lot more at stake now so, please, do me a favor and arm your system. It’ll make me feel better. Can you do that?” He furrowed his eyebrows, a pleading look on his face. From the beginning, he had always been fiercely protective of me. It was one of the things that drove me crazy and made me all the more attracted to him at the same time. Still, he had a point. It wasn’t just me anymore. What if someone broke in after the baby was born? I didn’t even want to think about that possibility.

A look of resignation crossing my face, I nodded. “Okay. I promise I’ll use the system again.”

“Thank you.” He kissed my temple softly, then got up. “Well, everything here appears safe and secure. Good night, Mackenzie.” Smiling, he retreated from me, pulling the door open.

“Wait!” I followed him. “When can I see you again?”

 “Tomorrow.”

“When tomorrow?”

He reached for my hand and brushed his lips against it, reigniting the longing I felt from his absence. “You’ll find out.” He winked. Just as he was about to close the door and leave me alone with nothing but my thoughts, he popped back into my condo. “I almost forgot.” He pulled a black journal out of his cargo shorts and handed it to me. “I want you to have this.”

Taking it in my hands, I ran my fingers over the leather, lingering over the gold embossed letters T.J.B. “What’s this?”

“Earlier today, you said you thought I forgot about you and that’s why I never wrote or called. I knew this wasn’t something that could be settled with a phone call or letter. I’m pretty sure you would have hung up on me, or tore up whatever I wrote you. But that didn’t stop me from wanting to tell you what I was feeling. That’s what’s in this journal… Four months of heartache.”

I looked up at him, seeing the broken version of Tyler I had seen on occasion, particularly early on in our relationship when he spoke of Melanie. And I knew… I knew the distance between us tore him up more than any other heartache he had suffered in his past.

He grabbed my free hand in his and held it over his heart. “It’s yours, Mackenzie. It always has been. And these pages will prove it.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mackenzie,

I guess it’s better than writing “Dear diary”, as if I were some pre-pubescent girl pouring her heart and soul out to a pretty pink journal. But there are some similarities here, I guess. I am pouring my heart out. It’s been two weeks since I last saw you. Fourteen nights I’ve been forced to fall asleep without listening to your breathing. 336 hours since I last felt your skin on mine. 20,160 minutes since I saw your beautiful, perfect smile.

I don’t expect you to ever forgive me for what I did, but I do hope you might understand one day why I did what I did. There’s really no excuse for it, other than pride, a desire to be accepted, to prove I wasn’t a failure. And you had to pay the ultimate price…as did our love.

It was love, of that I am certain. It was for me anyway. Yes, it was messy, chaotic, and wild, but aren’t the best love affairs just that? I loved you without abandon, with every last cell in my body, with every last beat of my heart. And I still love you.

When I first laid eyes on you, I felt as if I already knew you, and it wasn’t just because I had studied up on who you were. Watching you walk along the shoreline in the moonlight and look at the stars as if they held all the answers to the questions you were too scared to ask, well… Something sparked inside me. Something I thought I gave up on years ago. Hope. You’re my hope, my dream, my light in a world of darkness.

But life isn’t supposed to be easy… Love isn’t supposed to be easy, but it was for us. I loved you fast and hard. You possessed my heart before you even muttered a single word to me. And the hardest thing I ever had to do was watch you walk away from me because I still love you. I wake up each morning with an ache in my chest, a hole in my heart… A piece that I gave to you and don’t want back.

I miss you, Mackenzie. Every hour of every day. I miss you in the morning when I have my coffee. I miss you in the afternoon as I attempt to teach these refugee children how to play one sport or another. I miss you the most at night when the world is quiet, barely a sound to be heard for miles and miles. I stare at the sky, the stars more brilliant than anything I can remember. Silence surrounds me, reminding me you’re not here to fall asleep next to me, and my heart aches a little bit more.

I should have treasured each and every moment I had with you. From the beginning, I knew our time was fleeting and I took it for granted. I was so consumed with trying to protect my heart from what I knew would inevitably happen, I squandered what precious time we had together, and I’ll never do that again.

I know hearing the words “I’m sorry” won’t fix this, but I intend to prove to you that I truly am sorry for what I did. I just pray I eventually have the opportunity to do so.

Until then, I love you, my lightning strike.

Tyler’s words consumed me as I lay in bed long into the early morning hours, surrounding myself with his thoughts, his emotions, his love… It was like a blanket wrapped around me, keeping me safe and secure. With each simple gesture…from being patient as I worked through whether I could learn to trust him again, to his beautiful words, to the bewilderment in his eyes when he felt our baby…I was remembering all the reasons I had allowed him into my heart all those months ago.

The realization washed over me like a wave. It wasn’t the Tyler I originally thought he was whom I had let into my heart, my soul, my life… It was this Tyler. The Tyler who swore he was a broken man. The Tyler who thought he lost me. The Tyler who did lose me because I was too blind with anger to see the truth. His love was as real and pure as anything I had ever experienced, as was mine.