So close.

I keep my eyes on her face, though her eyes are closed. I love watching her reactions.

I don’t expect it when she begins to shake her head. Or when she says, “No. No, we can’t.”

Something is wrong. I drop my hand. “What is it?” I step away, worried I’ve upset her. “I’m sorry, Anna—”

“No,” she says in a quaking voice. “I don’t want you to be sorry. I’m not sorry.”

I blink. My skin flushes from fire to ice as she bends and pulls her clothes back on. I’m not at all certain what’s going on. She pulls me into a hug, and I have to remind myself she is prompting this touch, so it’s okay. I let my arms go around her trembling form.

“You’re shaking,” I say, still confused.

“Yeah, well, my body is pretty angry at me right now.” She laughs shortly, without humor. “But I don’t want to take any chances when it comes to the hilt.”

Any remaining fire is put out at the mention of that thing, and my heart gives a lurch. The prophecy says the Neph of light and dark has to be pure of heart, I assume to be able to use the Sword of Righteousness. I hadn’t really thought about what that would entail.

“You think it’s that sensitive?” I ask.

“I don’t know. It’s meant for angels, you know?”

Ugh, damn that stupid sword.

“Are you okay?” she asks me.

Actually, no. I don’t think a moment of pleasure with the man she loves will render her impure, especially if she remains a virgin, but I understand her apprehension. A lot is at stake. I can’t imagine the pressure she must feel.

I hold her face and run my thumb over her cheek. “Don’t worry about me. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t,” she says. “I love you. I want all that with you. Maybe someday?”

I shut my eyes against her hopeful words. I dare not believe there is a someday. There is here and now, and we’re promised nothing more. Especially with the prophecy hanging over us.

She stretches up and kisses me. “I think I need chocolate.”

This gets a laugh from me. Only Anna.

“Will you make me some brownies?”

“Me?” She must’ve misspoken.

“It’s my turn to watch you cook.”

I can’t help but grin. “I assume you actually want to be able to eat these brownies?” But Anna only laughs.

She takes me by the hand, leading me down the hall toward the kitchen. Her defusing tactic has worked, taking my mind off the disappointment of the moment.

And one thing’s for certain—after tonight I’ll never look at brownies the same way again.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Saving Z

“This is our last night, but it’s late and I’m trying not to sleep

’Cause I know when I wake I will have to slip away.”

—“Daylight” by Maroon 5

Tonight was the most extraordinary night of my life, but also the most difficult, psychically. I can’t explain the monster that lives inside me, or the battle I wage against it.

I remember when Father called me a caveman to Anna the night he met her, and he laughed, but not because he was taking the piss. He laughed because he knows what I feel, how constant my longings are, and it’s funny to him. Amusing that I fight for self-control every waking moment, that at any second I could turn into a raging Lust Hulk, never satisfied.

Only not green. Lucky me.

There were times tonight when my fraying willpower was nearly shredded by innocent touches, and it kept me on edge. I know it was beyond stupid to chase her to the airport and beg her to come home with me. The smart move, the safe one, would have been to let her go back to Georgia. But as I hold her in my arms, in my bed, listening to the sound of her soft breathing, I can’t bring myself to regret our one night together.

We’d both finally fallen asleep a bit ago, but I woke during the night, filled with familiar paranoia. It’s worse with her at my side. Even though I know the Dukes and whisperers are in Vegas tonight, I can’t stomach the thought of Anna being in danger. All because of my selfish desire to have her.

She is complex, my lovely Anna. All gentleness. A bleeding heart for injustice. A brilliant capacity for forgiveness. But despite her gentleness, I’ve seen how her hands ball into tiny fists when she’s ticked off. I’ve witnessed the fire in her eyes when she’s lost to the hunger of her demon side. I understand that hunger. That need to lose oneself completely to pure physical sensation with no regard to consequences. That urge to say fuck it all.

The only difference is that she wants to lose herself in drugs and I want to lose myself in skin.

But obsession is obsession. To each his own.

Anna mews next to me like a baby kitten and snuggles closer, her knee rubbing my thigh. And, oh, bugger me . . . her hand lands on my lower stomach. Just a few inches south, and I would be a happy man.

I look over at the Sword of Righteousness hilt lying on the bedside table. It’s mocking me, I swear. I know it keeps her safe, but I kind of hate that thing. I feel like it knows what I’m thinking, all the things I’d like to do to its sweet Anna.

Things I daresay she’s not ready for.

The hilt doesn’t seem to give a shite that I love her. It only sees that I’m a greedy bastard who wants every bit of Anna for myself. I want to savor each moment she looks at me and sees past the lust in my eyes—sees the boy I once was, and the man who now desperately needs her.

I close my eyes and try to rest, but her hand is quite distracting. I lift it to my chest instead. In her sleep she prods her nails into my skin and I think it’s the sexiest and most adorable thing I’ve ever experienced. Then again, I’d thought the same thing when she was cooking earlier. And when my mouth was on her thigh, her hands pulling at my hair. And again when she licked brownie batter. Let’s backtrack to the bit about her thigh . . .

Don’t think about that, mate.

Don’t think about the scent of warm pears that surrounded you like cognac.

Don’t think about the silk of her skin against your tongue, how close you were to that place of hers where nobody else has been.

Don’t think about the sounds of her moans, how you were just about to blow her ever-loving mind, or how you couldn’t wait to catch her when her knees buckled as her whole body trembled with pleasure.

Definitely do not think of that.

I shove the heel of my hand against my eye and will away the images.

Damned hilt.

No, I’m not perfect when I’m with Anna. I still experience thoughts about every filthy, sexy thing imaginable. That’s everyday life for me. But she makes me wonder what it would be like to make love. She makes me want to take my time with every millimeter of her body in the most maddening way until she’s begging for more.

I let out a quiet sigh.

She makes me want more from life. Things I’m not bloody allowed to want. Things I can never give her. I conceded tonight to be her boyfriend. Okay, to be honest, it was my idea because it’s the one thing I can give her—my heart and my loyalty. I asked if we could be together, and the way she lit up about attaching that label to our relationship made me both joyful and sad, because she deserves more.

I took her to band practice with me tonight, which was awesome, aside from that awkward moment when Anna Malone got jealous and stormed out. Otherwise, it felt amazing to be out with Anna, sharing my life with her. But she deserves a boyfriend who can openly claim her on a daily basis, not just when the demons are away. And that is why fury will always live inside me. Anna might be too good, too measured, to be angry about our circumstances, but I’m not.