‘I’m sorry, Dad.’

Henry shrugged, still with no words to say.

‘Do you want jam on your crumpets?’ he finally said, hoping with everything he had that would be the end of it.

Penny knocked softly on the connecting door, which felt a bit weird considering what she had got up to the night before with her friendly neighbour. There was no answer so she popped her head around the door. There was a noise in the kitchen so she followed it. She smiled when she saw Daisy dancing around as she tidied up, listening to her iPod and singing along, by the sounds of it, to Ed Sheeran.

She walked in and tapped her on the shoulder. Daisy smiled at her and removed her headphones.

‘Hey, I just wanted to wish you good luck today at school. They are going to love you, I promise you that.’

‘Aw thanks,’ Daisy said, throwing her arms around her and hugging her tight. Penny smiled with love for her and hugged her back. ‘I am a bit nervous, but I’m only there for a few hours. I think the worst day will be the first one after Christmas, when they’ll all be staring at me like I’m an animal in a zoo.’

‘You should totally learn to balance a ball on your nose then, that will give them something to talk about.’

Daisy laughed. ‘I’m so excited that Mr Cartwright is going to be my form teacher too, he is so cool.’

‘You will love him, but I bet all the children are going to be cool too.’

Daisy moved back to the table as she wiped it down with a cloth, capturing the crumbs with her hand.

‘So… good date last night?’

Penny stared at her in confusion for a second before she realised what Daisy meant. She felt bad for leading her to believe she was going out with Fabio when she had only been joking with Henry about going out with him.

‘Oh honey, I was only messing around. I didn’t really go out with Fabio. I went for dinner round my friend Maggie’s place. Weirdly, her husband Daniel had invited your dad too and we didn’t know the other was going…’ She trailed off as Henry appeared in the doorway behind Daisy and started gesturing frantically.

‘You went to dinner with Dad?’ Daisy asked in confusion.

Henry was still waving his arms around but Penny had no idea what he was trying to say. ‘Erm, yes.’

‘He didn’t say when I saw him this morning.’

‘Maybe your dad thought that you might think it was a double date, when it definitely wasn’t. It was just weird that Maggie invited me and Daniel invited your dad and they didn’t know.’

‘But… I heard you last night.’

‘You heard me?’

Daisy blushed. ‘Having sex.’

Oh god. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no.

‘I told Dad I heard you and Fabio… at it last night and he seemed really upset.’

Henry had given up gesturing now.

What could she say to rescue this scenario? That Fabio had come round for a late-night booty call? That she’d had incredible sex with Daisy’s dad and all the grunts and moans were in fact him? There was nothing that she could say that would make this horrible situation any better. Suddenly she had a brainwave. It wasn’t the best idea, hell it was probably the worst idea in the history of all ideas, but it was the only thing she had.

‘I wasn’t having sex, Daisy.’

‘But I heard you.’

Penny worked her tongue around her mouth trying to create some moisture. ‘I was watching porn.’

Daisy stared at her in horror. Henry stumbled out of the room, backwards, gripping his mouth really hard so Daisy wouldn’t hear him laugh. The clock ticked on the kitchen wall and no one said anything. Penny hadn’t wanted Daisy to think that she was sleeping around, especially if she and Henry were going to come out the couple closet in a week or so. She wanted Daisy to know that she was serious about her dad and that he wasn’t just a fling to her. But surely this was worse than Fabio coming round for a late-night booty call and now any respect that Daisy had for her had gone.

‘You were watching porn?’

‘Well no, not really. I put the telly on in the bedroom and fell asleep. I woke up an hour later and this couple were at it like rabbits on the screen, shouting and moaning and he was grabbing her breasts. They were sweaty and oily and…’ Oh god, she was talking about porn with a sixteen year old. ‘It was quite disgusting.’ No, not disgusting, she didn’t want Daisy to think that there was anything wrong or dirty about sex. ‘I mean, not disgusting, sex isn’t disgusting with two people that love each other, it’s beautiful.’ Penny heard a whimper of laughter from the other room. ‘But the oily couples were a bit disgusting, couple, just one couple, it wasn’t an orgy. Porn films always seem to grease their couples up to make them look all shiny, I don’t know how sex is possible when they are so slippery, surely the man would just slip straight off the woman and the sheets must be covered in it afterwards. The oil I mean not…it.’ She had to stop talking but the nerves had completely disengaged her mouth from her brain now. ‘I just don’t get why porn films think that’s attractive but they all seem to have these glossed, shiny bodies. Not that I’ve watched a lot of porn, you understand. I mean I haven’t watched any. I never watch it. But I’ve seen it. Accidentally. Late at night it’s been on. The soft stuff, not hard core porn obviously. Just, you know, a lot of moaning and repair men turning up to fix a leaky washing machine and the couple end up doing it on the kitchen floor. That kind of stuff. That I never watch. Ever. But yes, it was on when I woke up and I turned it off immediately because it was disgusting, erm, the oiliness that is.’

Silence again, punctuated by tiny whimpers coming from the other room.

‘So, I need to go and walk Bernard.’

Daisy nodded, numbly.

‘Good luck for, erm…later.’

Still no words from Daisy and Henry clearly wasn’t going to help her out.

‘I thought perhaps we could go Christmas tree shopping later, you guys need a tree and we could go and pick one and then you and your dad can decorate it.’

Daisy nodded again and Penny walked out, flashing an evil glare at Henry as she left who was biting into a cushion to try to stop the laughter from spilling out.

Penny saw Henry pull back up onto the drive later, after he had dropped Daisy off at school. She hadn’t seen him all morning, which she was thankful for. She had never been more embarrassed in her life.

He walked round the back of the house and grinned when he saw her, letting himself into her kitchen.

‘Hi,’ he said.

‘I hate you.’

He burst out laughing. ‘What did you want me to do?’

‘You could have helped me.’

‘You were doing fine on your own.’

She laughed with embarrassment. ‘I talked to your daughter about porn.’

‘Well yes, probably not your finest moment, but I haven’t laughed like that in forever.’

‘I’ve probably scarred her for life.’

‘I doubt it, she’s a hardy sort. Besides, she does know about sex, it’s not like she leads a sheltered existence. I’ve made sure I’ve talked to her about all that. I don’t want her to end up pregnant at sixteen like her mum did.’

‘She thinks I watch porn.’

‘Oh no, I think she’s very clear that you find porn disgusting.’

She couldn’t stop laughing. ‘Did she say anything to you after?’

‘No, she was probably too traumatised to say anything.’

Penny took a swipe at him and he ducked out the way, laughing loudly.

‘It’s not funny.’

‘It really is.’ He caught her by the waist and tried to kiss her on the forehead but he was laughing too much.

‘Stop laughing.’ Though Penny was laughing so hard, tears were running down her cheeks. ‘You do realise we’ll never be able to have sex again whilst she’s in the house.’

‘Oh, I don’t know about that, you’re just going to have to work really hard at being extra quiet.’