"I-I guess."

"Look." He dropped the cigarette into an empty Coke can on my nightstand, and grabbed me by the shoulders. "You're my friend, okay? I don't know if you're gay, straight, whatever you are-that doesn't matter. What matters to me is you're cool, and a nice guy, and a lot of fun to hang out with, okay? I want you to join Beta Kappa because I think you'll have a good time there. The guys are pretty cool for the most part, and we have the best parties. Just because you sucked Rory Armagh's dick when you were wasted one night doesn't mean anything, you got that? All it means was you were curious about it ... and sexual curiosity is not a bad thing or a big deal."

"I don't like girls, Blair," I said in a small voice. I couldn't look at him as I said it; I'd never said it out loud before.

He lit another cigarette. "Yeah? So what?"

"I think I might be gay." I said the words, and let out a big sigh of relief. I'd been fighting it for so long, denying it for as long as I could remember. So what if it meant I couldn't join Beta Kappa? So what if it meant losing Blair as a friend?

But he kissed you, he sat on top of you and rubbed on you ...

"Like I said, Jeff, so fucking what?" He laughed again. "I grew up around the film industry, for God's sake. You have any idea how many gays and lesbians I know? Hell, my mom is bisexual-she has a girlfriend right now over in London! You need to get past this idea that it's a bad thing to be gay, honey. It's not." He took my hand. "Look at me." I met his eyes. "I am sure growing up in Kansas-and your parents are nice enough people, but they don't seem to be the most open-minded people in the world, no offensewas pretty hard on you. I can't even imagine it. But being gay is not a sin or wrong or whatever you think it is, my friend. It's just who you are. Do you really, deep down, think you're a bad person?"

"No," I said slowly. "No, I don't."

"Because you aren't, you big dope. You're still Jeff. That hasn't changed at all. You understand? You are still Jeff to me, and you're still Jeff to everyone-and anyone who wants to not like you or think there's something wrong with you-well, that's their problem, not yours. Am I making sense here?" He puffed on the cigarette. "Am I?"

"Some." I did feel relieved that Blair didn't turn on mebut then again, that night in his room, he had been the one to initiate things between us, even though he'd also been the one to stop. "Blair, are you gay?"

He shook his head. "You are something else, you know that, Kansas boy?" He leaned over and kissed my cheek. "Yes, yes, I am gay. I don't like girls either." He shuddered. "Blech. Those big old boobs? Them big old hips? And don't even get me started on vaginas." He grinned at me. "Nope, I'm a big old fairy."

"Then why"-I hesitated, then plunged forward-"why didn't you want to be with me that time? I mean. . ." my voice trailed off.

"Oh, you big dope." He started laughing again. "Don't tell me-oh, this is priceless." He leaned over and brushed my cheek with his lips. "Jeff, I am very attracted to you. Are you kidding me? Have you looked in a fucking mirror lately? Let's see, hmmm. Okay. You're about what, six two? Blond, blue-eyed, and tan. You have an amazing body, and you have this seductively innocent look about you ... porn directors would drool over you. You could be an escort and pay your way through school-if you only knew what you were doing."

"Then why didn't you want me?" I couldn't help myself, I knew I was pouting like a little kid.

"Oh, God in heaven." He threw his arms up in the air. "Jeff." He took my face in both hands. "You're the kind of guy I could fall in love with," he whispered. "Don't you get it? The last thing in the world I wanted to be was just one of those ... oh, shit." He laughed and bit his lips. "I wanted it to be special for us, if it was meant to be, does that make sense? If you were one of those horny fucked up straight boys who just wanted to get off with whoever happened to be handy-I didn't want that, and you said yourself you'd never been with a guy before."

"That wasn't true." I admitted, my heart singing, He wants me! He wants me!

An eyebrow went up. "What do you mean it wasn't true? You lied to me?"

I nodded. "I-I didn't want to admit it, even to you. But I've been with a guy before."

There was a park in Emporia, near the campus of the university there. One night, Kevin and I and the girls we were going steady with at the time were driving around, aimlessly looking for something to do, some place to park and maybe make out or something. The movie was over, we'd eaten, and there was nothing else for us to do. The girls didn't have to be home until midnight, and we had some time to kill. I started to pull the Flying Couch over at the park when the girl I was dating-Lisa Driscollshrieked, "We can't park here!"

"Why not?" I looked over at her.

"This is a park where the queers go." She curled her lip. "You know ... to do whatever it is they do."

"How do you know that?"

"My sister goes to E-State, and she told me to never come here at night. Everyone knows about it. Get us out of here!"

So, I'd driven off. But a week later, when I didn't have a date, I came back by myself. I parked my car a few blocks away from the park-in case someone I knew drove byand walked over. My hands were sweating, my stomach churning, and I was scared to death. What if the cops are there? What if someone I know sees me? What if ... what if... what if... the thoughts kept swirling around in my head as I approached the park. It was dark and cloudy; there was very little light once you got away from the street lamps. I crossed the street and walked into the park. I couldn't see anyone around, and wondered if Lisa had been wrong, if I was wasting my time. What if I was too early? What if I was too late? Were there really other queers in Emporia? I walked through the park in my tight jeans and my T-shirt, my eyes darting around to try to see signs of life, of anyone, of anything. I kept walking, around trees and over grass, and after about a half an hour I was pretty certain I was wasting my time.

"Okay, just go home." I said to myself as I walked into a small clearing where the restrooms were located. I glanced at my watch. 11:15. I had forty-five minutes to get back home before curfew. I sighed. I'd wasted my night. All those nerves, everything-all for nothing.

Hey.

I jumped, and looked as a man emerged from the bushes to my right. He was short, maybe about five six, with a mustache and longish blond hair. He was wearing a tank top and a ratty looking pair of jeans, and his body was lean and tight. "Hey." I said, wondering if he was a serial killer or something worse.

"How ya doin?" He lit a cigarette, and in the flare of his lighter I saw that he was unshaven, and there was a Marine tattoo on his right arm.

"Okay."

He walked over closer to me, and smiled at me. He was maybe thirty years old. "What ya lookin for, kid?"

I swallowed, and fought the urge to turn and run. "I'm looking for a man," I said, hoping against hope he wasn't going to beat me up-but then again, I was taller and heavier.

"You've found one." He stepped up close to me, and put his hand on my crotch. He grinned up at me. "Nice." He made a head gesture. "I'm parked over there."

"Okay."