The irony of the shot made me grin and look over at Blair, who was trying very hard not to laugh. We were mimicking the famous scene where his father came out of the water and became a superstar.

Although by the time we were finished with it, I had a lot more sympathy for Steve Blanchard than ever before. It took half an hour and multiple takes before Bianca had one she was pleased with.

The same with the blow job sequence, and when I started fucking Chad on the chaise lounge out there. Between takes, Chad would just chain smoke and talk on his phone. I didn't know what I was expecting from him, but it wasn't that. But once the camera was on, you'd never know he was so indifferent to me. With the camera rolling, you'd think he was madly in lust with me, couldn't get enough of my cock, and just wanted me to fuck him forever. He was really good, even though I knew he was probably planning out the rest of his weekend or something in his head.

Fortunately, we got my come shot in one take.

My screen debut took just over four hours to film.

It was hard work, but I'd loved every minute of it.

It was after six o'clock when we finally made it back over to Blair's. I had to fill out reams of paperwork, have my picture taken holding up my driver's license, and then finally, just when I thought I was going to be filling out forms for the rest of my life, Bianca wrote me a check. She handed it over to me with a big smile. "You did great, kid," she said. "I definitely will use you again. I think you're going to go over real big. Do we have your contact information?"

Considering that was all on the first form I'd filled out, I nodded.

"Terrific. We'll be in touch." She waved her hand in dismissal.

Blair opened a bottle of champagne when we got back over to his father's house, and poured us both a glass. "I'm just going to order pizza, is that okay with you?"

I nodded, sipping the champagne. I was exhausted, and all I wanted to do was lie down. My butt was a little tender from being exposed to the sun for the first time ever, and my lower back ached from fucking Chad for a few hours. "I can't believe I did that."

"It's a long way from Kansas, isn't it?" he said as he dialed the number for Pizza Hut.

"Yeah."

"You okay?" he asked after he'd placed the order and hung up the phone.

"Just tired ..."

He kissed me. "I love you."

"I love you, Blair."

But somehow, I felt like I'd changed somehow. Maybe I was just tired, but something inside of me was different. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I just felt wrong.

"I think I'm gonna take a nap," I said, standing up. "Wake me when the pizza gets here, okay?"

PART FOUR

SPRING

Chapter 12

_I sat there, watching him for a minute. He's so damned sexy, I thought.

I'd first met him at the New Year's Eve party.

I'd driven up from Palm Springs on December 30th, Blair was going to come up the next day. The feeling I'd had that day after the porn video shoot hadn't left me. I couldn't quite figure out what was different, but something about me was changed. I didn't know if it was from having sex on camera, or being photographed in the nude with a hard-on, but I didn't feel the same anymore. I wrote about it extensively in my journal, trying to work my way through it, but I never could quite put my finger on it.

I just felt like a different person. I didn't feel like Jeff anymore.

And the worst part about it was my feelings for Blair had changed.

I still loved him, but somehow when I looked at him I didn't feel as intensely as I had. It was like I'd gone numb somehow, which didn't make any kind of sense. We'd had sex several times before we came back to Polk-in the shower, in the pool even, as well as a couple of times in the bed-and once in the living room on the marble floor under the gaze of his father's picture-but somehow things were different. It still was great sex, I still got into it, but now it was like I wasn't really a part of it. It felt sometimes like I was watching and completely detached from the whole thing. I couldn't really explain it any better than that.

I think Blair sensed it, too. He didn't say anything, but as those few days passed I noticed he wasn't as talkative as he usually was. He didn't laugh or joke as much. Instead of having fun like we always had before, the silences between us seemed to last forever, and longer.

It was like a wall had come up between us. And I didn't know how to tear it down, no matter how badly I wanted to.

So, it was kind of a relief when I got into the Flying Couch and drove back up to Polk.

I decided I was going to get royally fucked up on New Year's Eve.

It might not make things any better, but at least I wouldn't have to think about it at all. And that couldn't be a bad thing.

I bought a bag of coke from Marc Kearney, and spent the day smoking pot-I had my first bong hit in the morning after brushing my teeth. I just put a bunch of CD's in my stereo and hit shuffle, lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling. I wasn't exactly sure when Blair was going to show up, and I'd wanted to have a really good buzz going before he did. And even as I got stoned, I knew there was something wrong with us. I didn't know what it was, but the thing to do was talk it through. I wasn't being fair to Blair, I wasn't being fair to myself, but I didn't give a flying fuck about that.

So I got just really stoned.

It was around seven o'clock when Chris and Eric came by my room with a friend of theirs from high school who was thinking about going through Rush.

My first thought was Oh my God, what a stud.

His name was Mike Van Zale. He was only about five foot six, with light brown curly hair and freckles over his cute little snub nose. He was wearing a yellow short-sleeved pullover tucked into a tight pair of jeans, and he was muscular. Make that almost unbelievably muscular, like something out of a fitness magazine. His biceps were huge, and the shirt was pulled tight across a thick chest. "Nice to meet you," he said shyly, shaking my hand. "Chris and Eric talk about you all the time."

I opened my refrigerator and got out a can of Pepsi. I was still a little drunk from the evening's festivities. It was my first Big Brother night as a brother-and my first time getting a little brother. It'd seemed weird standing directly behind Mike, trying not to look at his muscular thick ass, and pressing a two liter bottle of Old English 800 into his hands, listening as the brothers screamed at him and the others as they stood there in their underwear trying to finish their bottles. I kept wondering Is this what it was like for Blair last semester? But there was a difference. Mike and I hadn't slept together, Mike and I weren't in love the way Blair and I had been. Sure, I was attracted to Mike, but I was also pretty certain that wasn't going to go anywhere. Unlike me, Mike hadn't lasted long. He'd hurried to the bathroom in the middle of Beer Relays and thrown up. Fortunately, he wasn't the first-Blair's new little brother, Jeremy Whitehead, had thrown up right after the family beer guzzling. After Mike had puked, I took pity on him and led him up to my room. He was weaving-he was a lightweight when it came to drinking. He'd been a star jock in high school, and Chris had told me that New Year's Eve was the first time he'd ever seen Mike take a drink. I was afraid that if he kept drinking, he might wind up in the emergency room, and as his big brother, it was my job to take care of him.