Beta Kappa had meant everything to me when I'd been going through my pledge semester. I'd wanted so desperately to join, to belong. Part of it was Blair, but with only a few exceptions, I'd liked the brothers and wanted to be a part of the house.

The notion that they would hate me if they knew the truth about me, that they would throw me out on my ass, turn their backs on me and drum me out of the Brotherhood if they knew was against everything about Beta Kappa that I'd loved and wanted to be a part of.

Chapter 13

re you completely insane?" Blair stared at me. He .was wearing a pair of red sweatpants and a white tank top, sitting at his desk with his laptop open. I was sitting on his bed, taking a hit out of the dragon. He shook his head. "I mean, really, Jeff, what is wrong with you?" He shook his head. "What purpose would it serve?"

I blew out the smoke. "There's nothing wrong with me at all." I coughed for a few minutes-the pot was really harsh-and wiped the tears out of my eyes. "For the first time in a long time, I'm right, if you know what I mean." I handed the dragon back to him. "I just can't keep hiding who I am. It's wrong." And I am not going to do it anymore, I added to myself.

Blair just sat there, staring at me with his mouth open. It was the Sunday after Big Brother Night. It had taken me two days to steal my nerve to come down and talk to him. I'd rehearsed what I was going to say over and over again, trying to think of a calm, rational way to convince him that I was right, to get him to realize that it was the right thing to do. I'd avoided the other brothers, staying in my room and studying, working on a story for my fiction writing class, but I couldn't stay focused. Different options kept coming to me. What if Blairsays no, you can'tconvince him, are you willing to stand alone in front of the brotherhood and be honest? How am Igoingto tellMom and Dad? But I couldn't do anything without talking to him, without trying to make things right between the two of us. I loved him, and I wasn't sure that would ever change. I missed him. I wanted to be with him again. He'd changed my life, helped me to face up to who I really was, and I owed him. I missed the feel of his body against mine, his kisses, those wonderful moments after we had both just came and lay there, panting and sweating in each other's arms. If there was no future for us, so be itbut I had to make the attempt.

What will you do if he refuses to come out to the brothers? How can you be together then?

I figured I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.

My hands were sweating as I walked down to his room, going over what I planned to say to him one more time.

Of course, once I finally knocked on the door and was in his room, I'd just blurted it out. Blair, I think we need to come out to the Brotherhood.

"I admire you for your courage, Jeff," he finally said. "If you think you need to, for yourself, that's fine. But it's not something I'm ready to do." His hands shook slightly as he took a hit off the dragon. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to." His eyes looked a little wet. "I just don't know."

"Aren't you tired of lying?" I asked, my heart sinking. I felt like crying myself. I knew I wasn't going to be able to convince him. "Aren't you tired of pretending to be something you aren't? We're not supposed to lie to the brothers, you know" I pleaded with him. "Remember? `A brother never lies to another brother.' It was one of our pledge lessons."

"Exactly." Blair put the bong down on his desk. "They won't drum us out of the Brotherhood for being gay, Jeff. They'll drum us out for lying about it. We've committed an honor code violation, and that's what they'll use to throw us out."

I opened my mouth, and then closed it again. I couldn't think of anything else to say to him.

"The ideals of the Brotherhood, Jeff, are just thatideals. Something to strive for." He shook his head again. "But ideals aren't reality, and you know that-deep down, you know it. Not all of the brothers are that open-minded, you know. Some of them wouldn't care about us being gay, but more of them then you think would ... and they'd use the lying to throw us right out of here." He gave a hollow laugh. "They would have never pledged either one of us if they'd known-but then they'll drum us out for not telling."

"I don't believe that," I replied stubbornly. "And besides, if that's the case, they aren't maybe the kind of brothers I'd want to have anyway."

"So, Jeff, are you willing to risk the Brotherhood for this?" he asked. "Because that's the bottom line. You could lose everything you have here."

"If it's based on a lie, Blair, what exactly do I have here?" I sighed. "Blair, I just-fuck, I don't know."

"I've missed you," he went on, reaching over and placing his hand on my knee. "I knew something changed for you in Palm Springs, and so I gave you your space, thinking you just needed some time, and you'd get over whatever it was that was bothering you, and you'd come back to me. It killed me, you know." He swallowed, and wiped tears out of his eyes. "It killed me knowing you were just upstairs and I couldn't be with you." He sighed, "And this is what it was all about, right?"

I nodded, and placed my own hand over his, squeezing it. "Blair, I-I've always loved you. That's not ever going to stop."

Blair started laughing.. "God, I am such a fucking drama queen. I thought you were pissed about doing the movie, and you blamed me for getting you into it. And I was so pissed at myself, you know, for risking what we had by-"

I rolled my eyes and started laughing. "No, I'm GLAD I made the movie-it was making the movie that started all this-it was while making the movie I felt free, and then when we went back to your dad's, it was like I was, I don't know. It just didn't feel right anymore to keep everything a secret. I mean, I knew something in me had changed-and it wasn't a bad thing, Blair, you have to believe that. But to be honest, I didn't even figure it out myself until the other night, when Mike was passed out in my bed." I rubbed my eyes. "I just feel like a fraud, Blair. I mean, how can I teach Mike about what it means to be a brother when I'm not a good brother? And I had to ask myself, would Mike have chosen me as his big brother had he known the truth? I can't keep this up. It's driving me crazy."

"You take this stuff too seriously." Blair answered. "Don't get me wrong, I think it's great-maybe it's the creative writer in you, I don't know. But you need to stop worrying about this kind of stuff. It's stuff you can't control. Like I said before, the brotherhood has wonderful ideals, but what you need to understand is that ideals are something to strive for, and they're not necessarily reality." He reloaded the bong. "People aren't perfect-not that any of us ever claimed to be, God knows I'm not, but we need ideals so that we can try to be better people."

"Yeah, but-"

"No buts." He cut me off. "The Brotherhood is only as strong as its weakest link, remember that? There are plenty of weak links around here. And don't think brothers don't suspect about you and me. There's been plenty of talk around here about us, don't ever think there isn't. Or wasn't, I don't know if there still is or not. And nobody cared, Jeff, that's the important thing. They didn't care enough to say anything to either of us, to keep you from being initiated, or to bring us up in front of the Brotherhood."