“Jordy.” Roger reached out and took both of my hands in his. “Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. You have no idea how special you are. Being different is hard, I know, but don’t ever let anyone convince you it’s better to change and to be like everyone else. You’re smart, funny, and you have a core of natural kindness within you that most people don’t have.” He scowled. “Most people only pretend to be kind, you know, because they want something from you—and as soon as they get whatever it is they want, they can’t be bothered with you anymore. The reason why people don’t necessarily open up to you is because you’re not like everyone else and they don’t know how to handle that. But what it means is you’ll never have to deal with all the superficial nonsense. When you make real friends, they’ll be real friends.” He smiled. “I’m your friend, Jordy.”

I bit my lip. “Really?” I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I felt a lot more emotional than usual; it must’ve been the pot.

“Really.” He waved a hand. “I don’t fit in here, either. Oh, sure, everyone’s nice to me on a basic level because I’m a brother, but I don’t have any real friends in the house. Nobody really makes an effort to get to know me. That first night when I saw you at Rush, I knew you were one of the special people. Like me.”

“I don’t understand.” My head felt hollow. It was kind of nice—I could almost hear air rushing through my head. “Why did you join Beta Kappa in the first place? I’ve wondered about that for a while. You don’t seem happy here.”

“I’m not unhappy here.” He picked up the joint and relit it. “This sure as hell beats living in the dorms. As you know, I’m an anthropology major. I kind of study the group dynamics around here. It’s fascinating, to tell you the truth.” He grinned. “Take Chad York, for example.” His face darkened. “He is the personification of evil.”

“Chad?” I was puzzled. “But he’s so nice, and he’s so good looking.”

“Stay away from Chad York,” Roger insisted. “You have to trust me on this, Jordy. Listen to your big brother. Chad is not attractive at all.”

“Yes, he is,” I insisted. “He’s even better looking than Jeff Morgan.”

“Don’t be fooled.” Roger took a big hit from the joint. “The outward exterior is just the packaging. Inside, he has a dark and twisted soul.”

“May I have another hit?” I asked. Roger laughed a bit and passed me the joint. This time it didn’t burn so much, but I did cough again. I passed it back to him. The hollow, empty feeling inside my head was getting stronger. It was nice. “Why do you hate Chad so much, Roger?”

“I hate all three of them—Chad, Brandon, and Rees. Brandon and Rees aren’t as bad as Chad—no one is—and maybe if they got away from him they could turn from the dark side. But Chad—” He shook his head. “There’s no chance for redemption from him.”

“You’re wrong.” The empty feeling was going away. Now it was like my mind was kicking into overdrive. Thought after thought tumbled through my mind, a new one springing from the previous one. “It’s just like Star Wars. No matter what anyone’s done, no matter how beyond redemption they may seem, they can always change and save themselves. Darth Vader was able to.”

“Chad makes Darth Vader look like a pussy,” Roger spat out. “Besides, that’s a movie. It isn’t reality.” He peered at me. “You have a crush on him, don’t you.”

Even stoned, I knew better than to tell the truth. “I just think he’s sexy.”

“Don’t ever go there. Trust me.”

“Why? What aren’t you telling me?”

“Maybe someday. But not now.” Roger crushed the joint out. All that was left was a tiny bit, which he placed inside a jar. “Just listen to your big brother. It’s my job to take care of you during your pledge semester. And I will always, always watch out for you.”

I was touched. I looked at him and felt overwhelmed by emotion. Roger is my first real friend, I realized. He actually cares about me and wants to take care of me. I bit my lip to stop myself from crying. “Can we get some fresh air?” I asked. I was feeling a little woozy.

“Sure.” I followed him out of the room, down the hall, and out into the parking lot. He led me around to the backyard, and we sat down at the picnic table. We could hear the shouting and cheering coming from inside the party room. I smiled. It was a beautiful night. There were no clouds, and the sky looked like dark blue velvet. The stars winked at me, and I smiled back up at them—until I heard a loud moan coming from the direction of the house. “What’s that?” I got up and walked over to the bushes just outside the downstairs windows. All of the rooms were dark except one, and the curtains were open.

I got closer and caught my breath. It was Chad moaning. He was bent over his bed, naked. My eyes widened. I wanted to look away but couldn’t—and looked at the guy behind him. It was Jacob. He was holding onto Chad’s hips, driving deep inside him. His own eyes were closed. I stood there, in shock, and wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

My eyes filled with tears.

He’ll never want a loser like you. Not when he can have guys like Jacob.

“Stupid Jacob,” Roger said bitterly from beside me. I hadn’t heard him come up. “He’s going to regret that for the rest of his life.”

Chapter 5

“Hey,” Roger said as he stepped out of his room, “there you are. I haven’t seen much of you lately.” He frowned. “I’m beginning to think you’re avoiding me.”

“Oh, I’ve been around,” I replied guiltily. “I haven’t been avoiding you.” It wasn’t completely a lie—I just hadn’t been looking for him when I came to the house. I hadn’t even given him much thought, honestly, since Big Brother Night.

After seeing Chad getting fucked, I’d gotten sick again. Roger had been great—he led me back to the bathroom and washed my face, got me some more bottled water, apologizing over and over for pressuring me to get high. I finally told him to stop, and we’d gone back to his room. I curled up on the floor with a pillow and a blanket and pretended to fall asleep. He left the room shortly after, and I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. Alone, I allowed myself to cry from the bitter disappointment the night had turned into. Just get over it, I finally said to myself, wiping my face on the blanket. You need to just accept the fact that Chad doesn’t want you and is never going to want you. And finally I’d fallen asleep on the hard floor.

When I woke up, it was morning. Roger was in his bed, snoring. I folded the blanket and stood up. I felt like crap. My head hurt and my teeth were all fuzzy. I got a piece of paper out of his desk drawer and wrote him a brief note, thanking him for taking care of me. All I wanted to do was go home and go back to sleep in my own bed. I walked out of his room, closing the door as silently as I could, and walked into the bathroom. I washed my face and used a paper towel to wipe off my teeth. It didn’t help much. With a sigh, I pushed my way out through the saloon doors just as a door opened down the hall. For a split second, I debated running down the hall and out through the parking lot door, but my pledge training kicked in. I had to greet the brother, whoever it was, and shake his hand. As I started to turn around I heard Chad say, “Jordy? Is that you?”

I wished I had the ability to teleport. He was the last person I wanted to see—and of all times to run into him! I knew I looked like hell—but on the other hand what difference did it make? He didn’t care about me. I was just glad Jacob wasn’t with him. I was still in Roger’s sweats, and my hair was undoubtedly sticking out in all directions. “Good morning, Brother Chad. How’s your day going?” I stuck out my right hand. I forced a completely neutral expression on my face.