Eight

Philip was lying naked beside her, his arm heavy and possessive around her and his alert gaze on her face. Pandora was naked, too, but she couldn't seem to remember how she got that way. Had they been making love?

"Philip . . .?"

"Shh ..." His lips touched hers in a quick, gentle kiss. "Go back to sleep. You need it. You're going to be as sore as hell in the morning."

"Why should I be ..." Her eyes suddenly widened. "Oedipus! Is he all right?"

His lips tightened. "Better than you are. He just went for a midnight run."

"I fell off," she murmured, attempting to remember. "I tried to stop him, he reared, and I fell." Her eyes flew to his face. "Have I done something stupid to myself?"

"You mean like breaking your back?" His eyes flashed in the dim lamplight. "No, but you damn well could have. You're only suffering from shock and bruises. Your father said you were to stay in bed and take it easy for the next week or so."

"My father's been here? I don't remember that." She laughed shakily. "Are you sure I didn't hit my head as well?"

"I'm sure. You've just been sleeping like the dead. Shock, Madchen said." He raised himself on his elbow and the sheet fell to his waist, revealing the soft mat of dark hair that roughened his chest. "Sleep is the best thing for you right now. Your father said that if you woke and had problems I should give you a light sedative."

"I don't want to go back to sleep. I'm wide awake now." Her eyes traveled around the room. "This is your suite. What am I doing here?"

"I wanted you in here. Madchen's assistant is on the premises, but I wasn't about to let you spend the night in the first-aid room." He smiled with such warmth, she felt a momentary dizziness that had nothing to do with her fall. "I decided, very selfishly, that I wouldn't be able to sleep without you tonight."

Her breath stopped in her lungs. "You appear to have been doing fine for the last month."

"I have?" His lips twisted ruefully. "I doubt if I got more than a few hours' sleep a night during the entire month. I've discovered that being in bed with you is very habit-forming." He bent forward and brushed her temple gently with his lips. "I may not ever be able to sleep without you again."

"Don't do this to me, Philip. I'm not a little girl to be given presents because I'm hurt." She glanced significantly at the door that led to the Khadim suite. "You weren't handing out any gifts earlier tonight." Her hand reached up to touch her throat, which felt naked without the medallion. "You were taking them away. Is Miss Lenat still here?"

His face tightened with pain, and she noticed for the first time how pale and haggard he looked. "No, she left almost immediately. Natalie isn't obtuse. She realized I was only using her as a way to hurt you." He removed his arm and rolled away from her. "She congratulated me on my ability to do that. She said that I had hurt you very much." He sat up on the side of the bed, his back turned to her. She couldn't see his face, but every muscle and tendon of his spine was taut with an agonizing tension. "She was right. I did it very well, didn't I?"

"Yes." Her voice was low. "You never do things halfway. I thought I was dying, and then I thought it would be better to die than to hurt that much."

He stood up and walked over to the chest across the room, his movements oddly jerky for a man so well coordinated. "You could have died." His voice was muffled. He took something from the top of the chest and was walking toward her again. His face was drawn, the skin pulled tightly over his high cheekbones. He knelt on the floor beside the bed. "I almost killed you."

"No, I was stupid," she said gently. "I shouldn't have let you drive me away like that. I thought I was so strong, but I seemed to break into a million pieces when you took my medallion away."

"God!" The exclamation was torn from him. He lifted her hand from the bed and laid the back of it against his cheek. "So did I." He rubbed her hand back and forth. His skin was slightly abrasive against the smoother flesh of her hand. "It was like dying or being born." He closed his eyes. "Maybe something like that did happen in the study tonight."

"I don't know what you mean."

"I mean I felt as if everything I'd ever known or believed about myself was suddenly torn away, leaving me naked and alone." He turned her hand over and pressed a kiss into her palm. "I'm going to have to start all over and I don't know how to go about it. Will you help me, Pandora?"

"What are you trying to tell me?" she whispered.

He laughed harshly. "I'm trying to tell you I love you. I'm not doing it very well, am I?"

Her eyes widened in shock. "You love ..."

"I don't know why you're so surprised." His lips curved in a rueful smile. "You always told me that I did."

"I know I did," she said dazedly. "It's just that it's happened so fast. I have to think about it."

"Well, while you're thinking about it"—he raised his hand and slipped the medallion he held around her neck—"wear this. It belongs to you." His fingers fumbled with the catch. "It will always belong to you."

"No." She suddenly put her hand up to stop him. "I don't want to put it back on." She moistened her lips nervously. "Not right now."

He went still. "Why not?"

Her eyes held bewilderment and a hint of pain. "I'm not sure. I don't think I trust you, Philip."

He flinched as if she'd struck him. "I suppose I deserve that," he said hoarsely. "But I don't think I've ever told you anything but the truth." His lips twisted mirthlessly. "Except when I told you I didn't want you. I lied through my teeth about that."

Her gaze was grave. "No, you've never lied to me before, but I don't think you've ever felt this guilty before. You have the idea that you're responsible for what happened to me tonight. It's not true, but I think it's shaken you just the same."

"It was my fault, dammit. And I feel guilty as hell, but that doesn't have anything to do with what I'm telling you."

"Don't you see? I can't be sure of that." Her lips were trembling as she tried to smile. "I want to take you at your word, but I think I found out something tonight too."

His eyes darkened with sudden pain. "That you don't love me after all?"

"No, that will go on forever," she said quietly. "It's too much a part of me to ever stop." She drew a deep breath. "No, it was about myself that I learned something. I found out that loving you wasn't enough, that I had to love myself as well. Ever since I met you I've been trailing you like a shadow. I thought just being close to you would make me happy. But I found out tonight that wasn't true. I need you to love me as much as I love you." She lifted her chin. "I'm pretty damn special. I deserve to be loved."

"I do love you," Philip said with a frown. "What the devil do you think I've been saying?"

"I have to be sure. It would tear me apart if I was fooled into thinking pity and guilt were love. I would rather be without you entirely than have that happen."