While Andy slept, Jill came over. “I figured you were hungry,” she said, handing me a large covered dish.

I waved the dish under my nose. “Smells good. Lasagna?”

“Baked spaghetti.” She shrugged her shoulders and laughed. “Same thing, I guess.”

I took the dish into the kitchen and put it in the refrigerator. I quickly returned to the porch, where Jill sat, waiting for me to sit before talking.

“Don’t you ever get tired of sitting out here?” She crossed her short legs at the ankle and clasped her hands over her belly. She rested her head on the back of the chair and fell deep into thought.

It always amazed me how every time she came over and sat on my porch, she appeared to be on vacation. It was like my porch slowed down time for her. She even looked as though she were on vacation. She had on white canvas shoes, green socks that matched her green shorts and green blouse, and a white hat with her ponytail pulled through the hole in the back. She had tourist written all over her.

I knew what she was thinking. It’s what she was always thinking and I didn’t want to talk about it. I knew I needed to talk about it with someone, and Jill would probably be the one when the time came. But I just didn’t feel that now was the time.

“Owen?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said quietly, dreading where this was heading.

“You don’t deserve what she’s done to you. No matter what happened between you two, you don’t deserve this.”

I decided to open up a little and test the waters, see if I was ready to talk about it yet. “That’s the part that kills me, Jill. Nothing happened between us. One day, everything was great, and the next day, everything was gone. In the blink of an eye.” I did my best to hide the pain from my voice, but I knew it was there. I heard it. I felt it as I spoke, and I knew she hadn’t missed it. She never missed it.

“Everything isn’t gone, Owen. Only she’s gone. And if she could do this to you, then it’s better that she left. How could she put you through this? She had to know what it would do to you. I’m going to say this, but I don’t want you to take it the wrong way.” She hesitated, probably thinking about keeping it to herself. “I’d rather you were alone than with someone who could hurt you so deeply, so easily. Does that sound horrible?”

I shook my head. I knew what she meant. And she was right. But why did it still hurt so badly after all this time? I closed my eyes and wished the hurt would stop. I wished I could either rewind my life to a time when Holly was still with me, or fast forward my life to a time when Holly’s absence meant little to me. I wondered if there would ever be such a time.

“How long will the pain last?” I asked, fighting the lump in my throat for the ability to speak.

“Until you find something to fill the hole she left.”

I looked at her unable to hide the doubt in my eyes.

“Think about it,” she said. “If your boat leaks, it’ll leak until you plug the hole, right? In this case, the boat is your heart.”

I thought about what she said. She was right. She was more than right. She was spot-on. But then again, she always was.

“How’d you get to be so smart?” I asked, smiling to lighten the mood.

“Well, I’ve been around. I’ve seen some things, done some stuff. Are you surprised that I’m good for more than filling your trough?”

I laughed. “No. It’s just that you knew exactly what I needed to hear.”

She smiled. “And I knew when to say it.” I could tell by the look on her face that there was a reason we were having this talk. When I saw her glance at the house down the street, it was clear.

“Andy told you about the girl down the street, didn’t he?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“Of course. But he was right to tell me. We’ve been talking about this for a while. It was just complete coincidence that she showed up like this.”

“Good,” I said. “I was starting to think you two had killed Elaine so her niece would move here and you could unleash your plan on me.” She laughed. “You should consider using your powers to do good,” I suggested.

She stood. “I’ll consider it. I better go. It’s almost dark. How long do you stay out here?”

I shrugged. “Until I get tired of it.”

She left, bidding me a good night.

I looked at the house down the street. Maybe they were right. What was the harm in my moving on? Holly was gone. I couldn’t expect myself to continue to mope after her forever. It wasn’t fair to expect that of myself.

3 Bernie

My head felt like it was splitting open. I stumbled into the bathroom and threw open the door to the medicine cabinet. Bottles tumbled out and fell loudly into the sink. I said some bad words as I fumbled through the bottles until I found what I was looking for.

I thumped a couple of pills into my hand and set the bottle on the counter without replacing the lid. Who cared? I turned on the water. I threw the pills in my mouth and bent over, drinking water straight from the faucet.

I kicked some dirty clothes out of the way and walked to the toilet. Without lifting the lid, I pissed, getting some on the seat. I knew as I was doing it, I wasn’t going to wipe it off. Hell, I couldn’t even remember the last time the toilet had been cleaned. But who cared?

I went to the kitchen to grab something to eat. My gut was growling.

I stood at the sink, holding a slice of pizza left over from a couple of days ago. I flicked a cockroach off it and took a bite. It wasn’t bad. Kind of stale. It didn’t matter to me. I didn’t care what it tasted like. I could’ve been eating cardboard and I wouldn’t have cared. Food had long ago lost all flavor and appeal to me.

I looked out the window at the broad next door. I’d watched her make a few trips in and out of her house yesterday, and even watched her go down the street to that loser Owen’s house. I wanted her. It was just a matter of time until I had her.

I picked up a can from the counter and shook it to see if it was empty. I heard liquid sloshing inside so I drank it. It was a very flat, warm soda. As I drank, I felt a floating roach brush against my lips. It must’ve drowned in the soda. I made sure not to swallow it as I drank, but I wouldn’t have cared much if I had.

I watched the broad pushing her brats on the swing set in the back yard. Noisy little bastards, they were. But I could put up with it if it meant getting some of the mother. I’d crawl through burning embers on my gut, naked, if it meant I could get some of her. She wasn’t like the women I usually brought home. They were just bar whores, used up and past their prime. She was in her prime, and didn’t appear to be used up. Yet. It was only a matter of time until I had her.

Of course, if things worked out between us, I don’t know what I’d do about those stupid kids. Maybe their father would take them. The last thing I needed or wanted was a couple of snot-nosed heathens running around my house. I didn’t have the patience for that sort of thing. All I wanted was her. I wanted to do things to her that you couldn’t tell other people about even if you were in prison. Things that I’d been dreaming of doing to somebody, anybody. Her moving in next door was meant to be. It was almost like she was asking me to do it to her.

Watching her now, I was pretty sure she was inviting me over. Her shorts were short. Her top was tight. Yeah, she was asking for it, alright.

I decided that perhaps later tonight, after all the nosy bastards on this street went to sleep, I’d slip over to her place and give her a little bit of ol’ Bernie Bear.