She pictured him pleading with her in his car, saying it was all a mistake, that he hadn’t been doing anything. She saw Libby sticking the scissors into her dad’s stomach, then Sam planting them in his neck. Then herself strangling him as he tried to escape.

‘He said he was sorry,’ Ellie said.

Alison was crying again. ‘How could he?’

‘He won’t come back. Ever.’

‘Where did he go?’

Ellie shook her head.

‘He must’ve said something.’

‘Forget about Jack,’ Ellie said.

Alison stared at her. ‘After what you’ve just told me?’ Something hardened in her face. ‘Why should I trust you, who the fuck are you anyway? Why are you even in our lives?’

Ellie sighed and ran her fingers down her neck. She leaned in towards the middle of the table and lowered her voice, like a conspiracy.

‘I found your son on the bridge.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Sam. I met him the morning he stabbed Jack. He was on the Forth Road Bridge. He was going to jump.’

‘No.’

Ellie nodded. ‘He was over the railing, looking down. He was about to step off when I stopped him. I spoke to him. If I hadn’t been there, your son would be dead. Just like mine.’

Alison lifted her wine glass and finished the dregs in the bottom. Both her hands shook on the glass. She looked like a drowning woman clutching at a piece of driftwood.

Ellie pushed her chair back and stood up.

‘You’re lucky,’ she said.

Alison shook her head. ‘I don’t feel lucky.’

‘You’ve got a second chance. Both your children are tucked up in bed and you’ve got a chance to live a new life with them. You’ve got a chance to make their lives better, make it up to them. To talk to them, and listen to them when they want to talk. Don’t you know how precious that is? I would give anything to have that. Anything.’

Alison stared at Ellie, her head nodding as she tried to get her crying under control.

‘Don’t waste it,’ Ellie said.

44

Ellie stood at her kitchen window watching the sunrise. From here you could see the light bleeding over the water before you saw the sun, hidden by the rocky outcrop to the east. The rays splayed up the Forth, diffracted through the criss-cross grid of the rail bridge, reaching across the amber surface of the firth to the road bridge. Cars and vans glinted as they caught the light, bouncing the energy outwards, dispersing the power of the sun to everyone.

There was a knock at the door.

She sighed. Alison had called the police after all. It was a risk, Ellie knew. She’d hoped Alison would take this opportunity to start again, but no, they were going to get dragged through the squalor of what they’d done. She would protect the children, though, would never involve them, even if it meant going to prison for the rest of her life. She didn’t care about that. She thought of Ben upstairs in bed. She would protect him too if she could. If anyone took the blame for all this, please let it be her alone.

She went to the door and opened it.

Sam stood there with a Tesco carrier bag under his arm.

‘I brought Logan’s clothes back,’ he said.

Ellie looked down the street and ushered him inside.

‘You shouldn’t have come.’

His face fell and she touched his arm.

‘But I’m glad you did,’ she said. ‘Come through.’

Sam stood in the middle of the kitchen just like that first time, the start of this. The boy she saved from the bridge.

‘Sit down,’ she said.

He handed her the bag.

‘You didn’t have to return these,’ she said.

He pulled out a chair and sat down. ‘I wanted to. They’re too small for me anyway.’

She made tea and placed a mug in front of him. He was sitting with his back to the window, looking away from her, eyes flitting round the room. He wasn’t distressed, like that first time, more in control. But he was still shy, still felt awkward around a middle-aged woman who wasn’t his mother.

‘You really shouldn’t be here,’ she said. ‘If the police find out.’

Sam smiled. ‘The police don’t give a shit.’

‘We can’t be complacent. What if they followed you, or were watching the house?’

Sam shook his head. ‘They don’t want to find him. He was up to all sorts of shit, apparently. Taking protection money, misplacing evidence, selling drugs. The young cop told me on the sly. He enjoyed it, thought he was shocking me, telling me bad things about my dad, like I gave a shit. He even suggested Dad had been sexually assaulting women in custody.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Ellie said.

‘Don’t be.’

Ellie examined his face. ‘He’s still your dad.’

Sam gave her a look. ‘He was, you mean.’

Ellie shook her head. ‘Don’t ever feel proud about what we did. Don’t turn into that person.’

‘But he was evil.’

Ellie thought about that. ‘I’m not sure evil exists, not like you mean.’

‘Of course it does.’

‘He did bad things,’ Ellie said. ‘Very bad things. But we all make mistakes.’

Sam frowned. ‘Don’t make excuses for him.’

‘I’m not,’ Ellie said.

She blew on her tea. Maybe it was easier if they thought of Jack as evil, it justified what they did. But she couldn’t swallow that, she couldn’t believe it was right to take someone’s life. She couldn’t accept it was impossible for him to change. Given the right circumstances, Jack might’ve turned his life around. But Sam didn’t need to hear that. He was seventeen and he’d helped to kill his own dad, the last thing he needed was Ellie throwing moral ambiguity around. It was easier to think they killed an evil man, then maybe at least some of them could get to sleep at night without pills.

Sam gulped at his tea like he had a thirst.

‘How’s Libby?’ Ellie said.

He lowered his mug. ‘OK, I think.’

‘She’s been through the most,’ Ellie said. ‘Don’t forget that. She’ll need her big brother more than ever.’

‘We had a chat a few hours ago,’ Sam said, nodding. ‘I think she’s going to be OK.’

‘You were chatting in the middle of the night?’

Sam nodded. ‘It was weird, Mum woke us both up. Said she wanted to let us know she loved us very much, that she was going to take care of us, all that guff. Kept hugging. Especially Libby.’

‘How did Libby take that?’

‘Not great.’ Sam rolled some stiffness out his neck. ‘Mum seems different somehow.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Like she knows Dad isn’t coming back. She kept talking about a new life, the three of us, a fresh start, all that rubbish.’

Ellie smiled. ‘They’re clichés because they’re true.’

‘I suppose.’ Sam took a final gulp of tea and stood up. ‘I better go.’

It was too soon. Ellie didn’t want him to leave, she was getting used to having him around.

He shuffled on the spot, looked out the window, at the cooker, down at the table.

‘Thank you,’ he said, raising his face. ‘For saving my life.’

‘There’s no need.’

‘But I want to say it.’

Ellie looked at him, this beautiful boy who belonged to someone else. She got up and put her arms round him, felt his long, thin arms go around her waist. She rubbed at his back and placed her cheek against his chest so she could hear his heart. Just a human heartbeat, there were billions of them on the planet, but this one meant everything to her.

After a few moments she felt him squirming free. She released him and placed a hand on his face. She went on tiptoes and kissed him on the lips. She registered the look of surprise on his face but didn’t care, then stepped back, raising a hand as if to say he was free to go, to get on with his life.

‘Take care, Sam,’ she said.

He nodded and smiled, taking a step towards the door.

‘I will.’

She saw him to the door and watched him walk down the path, on to the street, his loping gait, rolling shoulders, typical teenage boy. He didn’t look back.

She closed the door and turned.