Chapter Twelve

My God, My God, why have you abandoned me; why so far from delivering me and from my anguished groaning?

--Psalm 22:2

Monday morning Dulsie left earlier than usual for work, and Shad decided to go in earlier as well. Although his impending discussion with Dulsie was largely what simmered in the back of Shad’s mind, another matter he had been delaying over occasionally surfaced in his thoughts. Wally was still out there. And Shad had been a little too willing to focus on his other problems instead of how to handle this dilemma.

Wally also wasn’t trying to contact him. Shad wasn’t sure if he should find this recalcitrance on Wally’s part unusual or not. But that fact did keep popping up occasionally in his thoughts, so Shad figured even he had been able to assign some kind of meaning to it.

Despite the fact it was a typical Monday at the office when everything seemed to not work out the way it was supposed to, Shad was able to head home by four-thirty. Upon arriving at the house he saw Dulsie had beaten him there, which she often did. He was still going to wait to broach the topic about their family plans until after they had eaten and were ready to start settling in for the evening.

When Shad walked into the living room, Dulsie walked out from their bedroom. She was still wearing the purple blouse and green skirt she had worn to work this morning, so Dulsie apparently hadn’t been home very long.

She greeted him with a sparkling grin. “Hey there, stud.”

“Hey there.” Shad placed his hands on her hips as Dulsie stepped up to him and gave him a kiss. Then she clasped her hands behind his neck and beamed up at him.

“I have a little surprise for you.”

There was no telling what she’d come up with this time. “And what’s that?”

“I’ll give you a clue. Right now it’s smaller than a breadbox.”

Her clue only mystified him more. “Right now?”

“And in about nine months, actually less, it’s gonna be a little bigger than a breadbox.”

Ninemonths. The significance of those two words weighed heavily in his mind. No, surely not. Not now.

“You mean you can’t guess?” Dulsie smirked when Shad hadn’t responded for several seconds.

“I don’t dare.” His voice was almost a hoarse whisper.

Dulsie chuckled. “Then I’ll end the suspense for you. Before work today I swung by the store to get a pregnancy test. And according to it, we’re having a baby.”

Shad stared at her. The entire world seemed to have fallen away and all that was left was the two of them ... and the truth.

The truth was staring Shad in the face as intently as Dulsie was smiling up at him. Why did this have to happen now? Why were all these things happening to him now, piling upon him as though trying to crush Shad under their weight? Why couldn’t he have more time to take care of each crisis in its turn? Why did time seem to be so rapidly running out on him?

“When?” Shad croaked.

“Oh, in more like eight and a half months.” Dulsie’s smile was almost smug. “I’ve never been more than two days late before, so I had a pretty darn good idea what was going on.”

“Is there ... a chance the test could be wrong?”

“Not when the result is positive.” Dulsie leaned against him while continuing to hang from his neck. “Stop acting so surprised, Daddy. It’s not like we don’t know how it happened.”

As Shad stared at Dulsie the numbness that started in the pit of his stomach crept into his torso and limbs. The world seemed to have fallen away because his world was falling apart. What if Dulsie had a daughter? Actually, the way his life had been going lately, Shad was inclined to be convinced they were going to have a daughter. And that could only mean he was going to have to choose the path that would make him hurt Dulsie more.

Dulsie was still smiling, but it had faded slightly and her brow furrowed. “Shad? This is the part where you’re supposed to say how happy you are.”

Shad could only stare at her. Words evaded him as though he were trying to grasp fluffy cottonwood seeds that darted about just out of reach on the breeze. The happiness he was supposed to experience had been stolen from him by the accursed demon which lurked inside.

Dulsie stopped leaning against him but left her hands clasped behind Shad’s neck as she peered up at him. “What’s going on with you?”

This wasn’t fair. This was supposed to be one of the brightest moments of Shad’s life, and yet all he could feel was dismay and remorse and lots and lots of guilt. His time had run out. Shad’s plans lay in ruins on a scorched plain, no longer protected or concealed. But worst of all he was going to have to drag Dulsie into this devastation he’d created.

Dulsie took half a step back as she moved her hands to his shoulders. “You’re starting to freak me out a little here.”

“I’m sorry,” Shad murmured.

Dulsie cocked her head to one side as she studied his face. “I think we qualify as co-conspirators.”

“I can’t....” The words he needed to say were so awful that Shad couldn’t bear to speak them.

Dulsie frowned. “You already did.”

“I don’t ... want to do this.”

Dulsie stared at him as though Shad had sprouted antenna. “It’s a little late to change your mind about this.”

“It’s not....” Shad reached up and clasped Dulsie’s wrists in his hands. As he took a step back Shad lowered her arms and released them. “I haven’t changed my mind ... exactly. Something else changed.”

Dulsie stood with her arms at her sides and was momentarily the one at loss for words. Years ago Shad would occasionally drop an emotional mask over his face, making him inscrutable even to her. Usually he did this whenever Shad was undergoing extreme personal duress, and she could see that mask settling over him now. Dulsie focused on the ripple of pain in his eyes because she knew it would be the last flicker of his personality before Shad completely shut her out.

Pain? Why?

“What change?” Dulsie could feel her stomach twinge. His last emotional flat line had been before they were even married, but this one somehow seemed to loom as threatening.

“I thought it was gone. I never told you about it because I thought I would never have to deal with it again.”

“It? What’s it? What are you talking about?”

“There was ... there is ... I have this....” Shad’s eyes became dull as his gaze drifted downward and to the side like a wrecked ship being swallowed by the depths of the ocean. Dulsie knew she’d lost him.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” Dulsie made sure her demeanor remained calm even though an unknown panic had been sparked inside her.

As Shad spoke again his voice was monotone and completely devoid of emotion. “I have issues with pedophilia.”

Dulsie could practically feel the weight of his statement settle on her chest. Was she hearing him correctly? Surely Shad didn’t really just say that?

“What do you mean?” Dulsie’s own voice seemed to be scarcely more than a whisper, as though the wind had been knocked out of her.

“I mean ... I experience the symptoms of pedophilia. Again. I thought it was gone. I haven’t felt this way for years. But last week.... It’s happened more than once. It’s back. Definitely.”

Some sort of eerie sensation began spreading through her, starting in the marrow of Dulsie’s bones and working its way to her skin. How could this be? How could Shad actually be attracted to children? Then her panic flared.

What exactly did “It’s happened more than once” mean?

“Have you ever ... touched a child like that?” Dulsie heard the words come from her mouth in a hoarse whisper but they seemed to arise by their own accord. A very unpleasant sensation prickled through her as she braced to hear an answer Dulsie almost feared.