“If you got rid of this problem before, can you get rid of it again?”

Shad drew another deep breath before responding, and there was hint of resignation in his voice. “Don’t you see? I never truly got rid of it. It could go back into latency but it will always be there. There’s always the chance it will return, again.”

That unpleasant feeling reestablished itself. “But can you get rid of it? Could you actually take therapy this time and make it go away?”

“I don’t know. I obviously can’t tell the difference between eradication and suppression.”

The truth in his words renewed the weight in her heart. And a realization dawned upon Dulsie that made her feel as though a knife had also been plunged there.

She couldn’t believe this was happening. Only a few minutes ago Dulsie had been on top of the world, but now it had just crashed and burned. The love of her life was no longer the same man she’d married. He had changed into something ... repulsive. Dulsie still cared for him, but ... she owed Shad the same truth he had just given her.

“I’m not sure where we can go from here.” A tremor crept into her voice. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, but you’ve got to understand ... we’re talking about children. When you can – even if you don’t ... I just don’t think....”

There was still resignation in Shad’s voice as he offered her the words Dulsie couldn’t speak. “Do you really want to live with a pedophile?”

Dulsie bit her lower lip as her chest tightened and her eyes misted. She drew a deep breath, but her voice was still hoarse. “I don’t know.”

Shad’s gaze lowered to the case on the couch and Dulsie saw him also inhale deeply. Then he nodded, once and slowly, and he turned toward the bedroom.

“You need time to think. I can at least give that to you.”

She wasn’t entirely sure what Shad meant as he strode into the bedroom, but when Dulsie heard him open the closet and then open a suitcase, she realized what he was doing. This felt more like some terrible, awful dream Dulsie should awaken from and discover that everything was still all right. But the truth was, there was a part of her that was relieved Shad was leaving.

Dulsie wasn’t sure how much Shad packed, but it took him less than two minutes to return to the living room with a forest green suitcase in his left hand. Shad slipped the strap of the carrying case back over his right shoulder, and without any word he reached for the knob of their front door.

“Where are you going?” Dulsie impulsively asked even though she wasn’t sure why she cared.

Shad hesitated for a few seconds, and Dulsie could easily believe he hadn’t thought that far ahead yet. His reply was back to the monotone.

“The motel.”

Then Shad stepped through the doorway, and he was gone. Soon thereafter Dulsie heard the engine of the pickup turn over and eventually fade away. He was truly gone. The man she had fallen in love with was gone.

Never before had Dulsie ever felt this alone.

Chapter Thirteen

Force always attracts men of low morality.

--Albert Einstein

When Tuesday morning dawned, Shad found himself skipping several of his usual routines. For one thing he realized he had packed only clothes and no toiletries. That discovery was the least of his worries, except Shad didn’t like how his mouth felt. So he dressed without taking a shower and wet his hands in the sink to run damp fingers through his hair, which luckily being coarse and thick and trimmed fairly short cooperated with his half-hearted efforts. On the way to work Shad swung by the grocery store and bought a toothbrush and toothpaste so he could brush his teeth in the office bathroom in the basement. Shad skipped breakfast.

During the course of the day he kept to himself, which wouldn’t draw the attention of Nolin or Francine because Shad was known to occasionally withdraw whenever he became particularly focused on a case. And since they were familiar with the challenges he was facing in regard to Monica Simms, they could easily assume he was just going through one of those phases. Shad skipped lunch.

Once he got back to the motel room Shad changed into the only non-office clothes he had packed, a plain blue tee shirt and khaki shorts, and did exactly what he did last night after Shad checked in. He skipped the evening meal and lay on the bed in the darkening room while Shad tried to figure out what to do with the mess that had become his life.

Something he hadn’t thought possible was actually happening. His marriage was in jeopardy. Shad knew that Dulsie regarded holy matrimony with the same reverence he did, but the truth was, the deception he had perpetrated upon himself made Shad deceive Dulsie also. He knew her well enough to correctly predict Dulsie’s reaction to the revelation of his affliction. All he could do now was hope she would be able to work through the shock of discovering what he really was.

Prayer was not in his efforts. Last night Shad decided that he was done talking to the One who kept sending plagues. The Almighty seemed to have overestimated how much he was capable of taking on. If Shad had anything left to pray for, it was that he would be struck dead.

He didn’t consider his thoughts to be suicidal, but Shad suspected that if he stepped out onto a street right now and realized a bus was barreling toward him, he wouldn’t try to dodge. And the absence of skid marks would be the only clue to identify Shad’s remains as those of a lawyer and not a skunk.

It would be better for Dulsie if he were dead. That way she would honorably be out of this marriage and free to resume her life without Shad throwing in complications. He had a decent insurance policy that should help keep her supported, and of course Dulsie had both their parents to turn to for any other assistance she might need.

Shad turned his cell phone off for the night because he’d also forgotten to pack the charger.

That Tuesday morning Dulsie took sick leave from work so that she could stay in the quiet of her home and try to decide what the best approach was to handle this crisis.

Years ago, when Mom started warning that Shad posed a threat to her, Dulsie didn’t turn a deaf ear to that insight even though everyone else argued in Shad’s favor. Through quiet contemplation and pensive observation, Dulsie determined her attraction to him was grounded. All of Shad’s good points came to mind: His patience, kindness, humility, generosity, honesty – and humor. It seemed, as Shad said last night, their union was meant to be. What everybody else said must be true, that whatever Shad harbored he would never wield against her. Considering what he’d been through, Shad was amazingly normal.

From what little Dulsie knew about Grandpa Wekenheiser, he had been a more “traditional” abuser who did things like pin Dad down in order to flay his back and behind with a belt that left bloody bruises. What that woman allowed those villains to do to Shad made the term deranged psycho seem like an understatement. Dulsie couldn’t see how Shad could have any chance to avoid harboring something dark and dangerous deep in his psyche. Maybe there was some kind of twisted logic that someone whose innocent youth had been ripped away from him would yearn for the innocent youth of others.

At first glance the threat he posed seemed to be based on the fact Dulsie would be devastated if Shad ever gave in to his grotesque impulse, especially if their own children were involved. But Dulsie doubted that was really what Mom’s warning had been about.

She believed him when Shad denied ever violating a child, and Dulsie honestly believed he would never give in to that baser instinct. Her parents had given her plenty of warning about the male sex drive, which seemed to be otherwise working perfectly well for Shad. Now that she knew his original motivation to court her, probably like that of many men, had been initiated by lust, Dulsie had to credit him on Shad’s conduct during the months before they became engaged. The agony she was wrestling with now involved the fact Shad was cursed with something so vile.