The very horny, and the more intelligent of the male species, masturbate before a first date—to get that tension out of the way, so that he can act normal until the designated hour when acting normal is no longer what the date requires. A normal, healthy young man should, from the age of puberty, have a powerful sex drive—recent studies show that it is normal for them to think about sex every 20 to 30 seconds (the high end) down to a mere few hundred times a day (those with a lower libido). Levels of horniness also fluctuate seasonally, climatically, and according to external stimuli like witnessing the phases of the moon or getting a glimpse of a pair of ladies’ underwear hanging in the bathroom.

“People who are scared of sensuality usually end up as campaigners against all forms of eroticism, so if you like sex, and you are in a relationship with one of those, two words for you: get out.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, January 1988

Masturbation is simply nature’s way of relieving tension; it’s also a healthy exercise and the best way to train your penis. In addition, men last longer the second time around and your more experienced female partners know that. Those ladies expect more than one round, and often a mind-blowing fuck requires more than one round.

But sometimes masturbation isn’t OK. For years, sexual publications (including my own) have been saying there is nothing wrong with masturbation. Wrong! A man who sneaks off to the bathroom to masturbate as an alternative to having sex with a beautiful, intelligent, caring woman who is panting to make love to him is either asshole of the month or seriously disturbed. On the other hand, masturbation is a perfect antidote to living with an ice-queen and many marriages are surviving only because of the willingness of the husband to take matters “in hand.”

One man I knew, who complained that his wife was no longer interested in sex, told me that he took pictures of her while she was sleeping and then slid off to the bathroom and masturbated to those photos. I thought “How marvelous!” because my experience with men tells me that most want to masturbate to fantasies of variety—not to the woman they have easy access to day in and day out. “How cool for her!” I thought, to have a man who kept her front and center of his fantasies. However, one day she caught him, called him a “pervert,” and threw him out. I had to advise him that he was better off.

15

TRAIN YOUR BRAIN

Train your brain through literature and the performing arts. Any man who has not been exposed to these is handicapping himself. Read about love, read the classics—Romeo and Juliet, Love Story, or West Side Story. Have a decent command of your language. More women are seduced by words than by deeds.

But most importantly, develop your listening skills.

Women are conditioned to believe that men never listen to them. Want to tickle her brain clit? Try listening. And then do that one better. Give her back her own words in a surprising moment. What do most great love scenes have besides sex? Great sex dialogue. And by combining clever dialogue with a bit of surprise (surprise—I was listening!), you have unlocked the key to her brain clit.

Here’s an example: In a story she mentions that the waiter accidentally brought her crayfish and she hates crayfish and her story rattles on. You grab at that clue (women drop clues all the time as a result of their chatty nature, you just have to know what to pick up and how to apply it). Hours or days later, you are at a restaurant with her and she goes to the bathroom and when she comes back, you say, “I ordered for you.” And she says, happily (she is happy because men don’t usually have the nerve to do this, so you’ve again surprised her), “What did you order me?” And you say (naturally), “Crayfish.” And watch her face fall and the smile appear as she gets that you are just messing with her. Humor. Intelligence. You were LISTENING! A triple hitter in the clit department.₄₃

CASANOVA’S DOS & DON’TS

16

DON’T EXPECT HER TO COACH YOU

Unless you are a young male hooked up with his Mrs. Robinson, or unless you are on the fringe seeking your dominatrix, you shouldn’t be expecting the woman to coach you. One of the reasons women are so reluctant to share their fantasies is because they think you should already know! They don’t want to have to explain; they want you to take the clues and signals that she is giving, and work with them. Turn her desires over and over in your mind and come up with something special and suitable to her. That’s what she wants. She doesn’t want to be orchestrating, managing, or directing. Most women are seeking to be with a man they can trust to do this for them, so, if you want coaching, fess up, tell her you need a Mrs. Robinson, and you might get lucky. You probably won’t get “mind-blowing” sex right away—or you might and she won’t—but at least you are taking the learning steps.

“Many women may want to be dominated but just don’t know that they do. Be their teacher, but be absolutely sure that you do your teaching gradually. After all, you don’t pick out the handcuffs before you’ve made the girl.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, August 1977

Confidence is everything in the mating game. Instead of fumbling around and trying to feel the person out, be direct, be clear. And don’t be afraid to take the lead. Most women are fascinated by the caveman and his club, much as we bitch about the caveman mentality. It’s because unlike the rest of life, it’s simple. “He’s big, fighting him would be futile, sex will be good anyway, and how fun to not have to think about anything except my pleasure. But he won’t think I’m valued if I go at a crook of his finger, so I’ll make him chase me around the field a bit.”

Women are contrary creatures, but we all have one thing in common—we like to play coy and hard to get. No woman wants to think of herself as “easy,” in any sense of the word. If it turns out she wants to take the lead, then I’d say you are a lucky boy and let her, but my experience tells me that it is far more likely that she is watching you, to see what kind of a leader you can be in the game of sex-play—and the game of life.

17

DO USE IMAGINATION, ANTICIPATION, AND SURPRISE

Out in the wide world of working folk, men tend to be more creative than women. But somehow, that creativity dies in the bedroom. A woman, on the other hand, becomes more creative as she ages, as she passes through menopause. If you don’t have an imagination, get one. If you have one you are not using, start exercising that along with your body and your penis.

Use your imagination to establish the place, the time, and the theme. Do pick a theme, and you should both dress for the occasion. Even if you dress fabulously every day of the week, there still should be something special about how you are each prepared for a date.

“Good sex between good partners always involves some mystery.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, July 1978

Next, build anticipation for sex by teasing your lover during the day with phone calls, e-mails, or text messages. Make them brief, but to the point—“couldn’t wait, had 2 mstrbate 2 thoughts of U,” “don’t wear underwear 2nite,” or, simply, “I can’t wait 2 C U.”

Studies have shown that women who do mental rehearsals of the pending sex, especially if those women have trouble with orgasms, warm up much quicker than without the preparatory pre-thinking. One study found that the same women who normally required significant physical foreplay to get warmed up, required only thirty seconds if they devoted time to the pre-sex thinking. Part of the return on requiring a dress theme is that it puts her thoughts to sex with you during the hours leading up to the actual rendezvous.