“My lunch was thrown on the floor,” I remind him.

“By thrown you mean you dropped it, right?”

“So Logan’s surprise party,” I say in a obvious way to change the subject.

We decide that we’re going to rent out Logan’s favorite restaurant and have his party the weekend of his birthday on July 12. Connor will take Logan out all day so that Jax and I can make sure everything is set up perfectly since I don’t see the need to hire someone to do something that we are more than capable of doing. Jax, of course, objects but I don’t care. This is my brother’s birthday and I want to do everything. Jax doesn’t have to try too hard to talk me into making Logan’s favorite cake from one of my mom’s recipes for us four and then a bigger one for the party. I’ll use any excuse to bake.

This year the “after party” will be at Connor’s which is perfect since Connor’s place is closest to the bakery. Every year for anyone’s birthday we always celebrate an “after party” of just the four of us. Of course mine is the only exception to the rule since I refuse to celebrate my mine.

A knock on the door causes us to look in the direction of the hallway.

“Are you expecting someone?” he asks with a hint of unease in his voice.

I shake my head and before I can get up, Jax strides down the hallway. He beats me to the door. I just love how he makes himself at home and feels the need to answer my door. I give him a mock glare that he ignores. He’s squeezing the life out of my poor door. Confused I focus my gaze away from Jax and to the delivery man.

There are a million and one things that the delivery man could have brought up. The vase in his hands does not fit into the million and one category . . . at all. I gape at the flowers, unable to move, let alone breathe. My head spins. I’m getting lightheaded just standing here.

Who would be so cruel to send me Stargazer Lilies? I ignore the delivery guy as every memory I try to repress comes crashing down.

Hadley twirls around in our dance studio while our mom plays the piano . . . Hadley spins in her favorite yellow dress with the biggest smile on her face . . . Hadley’s first recital . . . Everyone in our family giving her Stargazer Lilies . . . Hadley . . .

Hadley sprawled lifeless on the stretcher while the paramedics try to bring her back . . . Stargazer Lilies engraved on her headstone . . . All because of me.

Blinking back tears that threaten to spill over, I notice that I’m no longer standing in the doorway but sitting on the couch with a worried Jax crouched in front of me. I can’t believe I just lost it in front of Jax. Again! I must have blacked out because, for the life of me, I can’t remember how I got to the couch.

Great, now Jax is going to realize how crazy I actually am. Crap, Logan! If Jax called my brother and told him what happened, Logan should be bursting through my door any minute now. So not what I need!

“Ads, it’s okay. You’re here, you’re fine. Just breathe for me, baby,” Jax says in a calming voice I have only heard from him once. The funeral. The memories start to come back, but I fight them off. I won’t lose it in front of Jax. Not again.

Watching him closely, I mimic Jax’s breathing because I’m unable to perform the most basic task in the world.

“Sorry.” I have to clear my dry throat so that I can talk above a pained whisper. “Sorry, Jax, you didn’t need to see that.” Much better. I almost have full strength in my vocal cords again. “I’m fine, I promise. I just wasn’t expecting to see those . . . st-star . . . flowers.” I choke up. I can’t even say the name of the stupid flowers.

“Shut up,” Jax says calmly but with an edge still to his voice.

Startled by his outburst, my head snaps up to see Jax steaming.

Venom drips from my voice. “Excuse me?” I can’t believe he just told me to shut up.

“You heard me, Ads, I said shut up.” Before I even have a chance to open my mouth, Jax drags me off the couch and pulls me on top of his lap. “I don’t need to hear any explanations. I know why you just completely shut down on me, I get it. So stop. If you open that sexy mouth of yours, it better not be to explain or to apologize, do you understand?”

I can only nod because I’m shocked that Jax knows why I broke down and gets it. Not that I should be surprised, Jax knows a lot more then he lets on. Right when I start to lean into his embrace, I shove his arms away and stand up.

“Thanks, Jax, but I need to be alone right now.” I hastily retreat to my room and I hear a faint, “Shit,” from Jax. I slam my door, hoping that he takes the hint and leaves.

Sinking to the floor, I try to shut it all off. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think that I could change, that I could be me again. That I was dancing around my apartment without a care in the world, as if I hadn’t killed my family. I can’t do this, I need to shut it off. It hurts too much.

I rise and make my way to my closet until a crippling pain from the guilt brings me to my knees. The memories start flooding back full-force. I can hear Hadley’s laughter as if she’s sitting right next to me. God, I can’t do this. I need to get out of here, away from Jax, away from everything.

Forcing my legs to cooperate, I open my walk-in closet. After blindly changing into the first work-out clothes my hands touch, I’m out the door. I jump from foot-to-foot as I put my socks on while walking. Not an easy task for someone like me. I snatch up Logan’s Columbia sweater I stole from him and then my Nikes that are still by the front door where I left them. I’m about to leave, but then I remember my phone is still in the living room. Ugh!

I’m relieved when I find my living room empty. I collect my phone from the coffee table and slide it into my armband. Before I can even leave the living room, Jax blocks my path. Great. I study my bright pink Nikes because I can’t face him right now. Why couldn’t he just leave? Was me telling him I need to be alone not a big enough hint?

“Where do you think you’re going, Ads? You can’t just go out and run right now in your condition.”

It would have been better for Jax to slap me across my face. Anything would have been better than saying “my condition” as if I have some contagious disease.

I’m no longer staring intently at the floor. I’m glaring at Jax. “MY CONDITION? WHAT CONDITION WOULD THAT BE EXACTLY, JAX?” I yell. Taking a deep breath, I try to calm down. I’m anything but calm as I say, “I am going for a run. I can’t be here right now, Jax.” I shove past him towards my escape.

Jax follows, closing on my heels to the door. This would have been so much easier if he just left.

Turning around, I whisper, “Please don’t tell Logan.” I leave without another word.

As I wait for the elevators to escape to Central Park, I try desperately to forget Jax’s expression. I wish that I was strong enough to turn around and reassure him that I’m okay, but I’m not. Instead I step into the elevator, and as the doors close, I feel like I’m making a mistake, but I can’t go back in there. I can’t face Jax right now even though everything in me is telling me that I need to be with him.

I’m so distracted that I don’t even realize that I’m not alone until I see movement to my left. I ignore the person behind me and concentrate on the emptiness inside of me.

“Well, this is a pleasant surprise. How are you Adalynn?” a deep husky voice asks, startling me. I know who that voice belongs to.

Putting my mask perfectly into place, I swing around toward Kohen. “Hey, I’m doing great!” Too cheerful, I need to take it down a notch or it will be obvious that I’m anything but great. “How are you?” God, I couldn’t be more awkward if I tried.