Stepping into the steaming shower I welcome the pain from the scalding water and my throbbing ankle. The water burns my skin, turning it a nice shade of red, to the point that I want to yelp, but I hold it in. Instead I force my muscles to relax, enjoying the pain the hot water brings. It’s easier to deal with the physical pain right now than the emotional pain from my memories.

No, I’m not that girl anymore! Disgusted with myself and my thoughts, I quickly adjust the water to a much more normal temperature. I tilt my head back and let the water stream down my back while rubbing my hands through my long hair. I lather shampoo and right as I start to lean into the water again, there’s a knock on the door. I could bang my head against the wall right now. I pretend that I don’t hear him come into the bathroom and continue to shower like he isn’t here. I’m not ready to face him, let alone talk to him yet. What are the chances that he will just go away? Not big.

Once the shampoo is washed out, I squeeze conditioner into my hand and massage it into my scalp. The shower is made of glass, I know he can see me even with all the steam. I’m tempted to ask him to make me forget about everything, but instead I remain silent.

“I got you a cupcake so hurry up or it might be missing by the time you get out.” With that, the bathroom door swings open and he leaves before I can ask him if he knows who sent the flowers.

I rush through the rest of my shower, not because of the cupcake, but because I know it’s time to face Jax. The cupcake is a bonus, of course. I dress in leggings, a cami, and my favorite rose colored sweater of my mom’s. Lifting the soft material to my nose, I inhale deeply. I can almost smell the fresh floral scent my mom always smelled like. For a split second I pretend that she’s here with me and not in a box six-feet under. I’m happy, then the second is gone and I’m back to reality.

Jax is back to pacing my living room again. I clear my throat, ready to explain myself, but Jax’s utterly lost expression stops me. He takes two long strides and then suddenly I’m in his arms. He hugs me tightly. I struggle against his hold; I can’t handle the way he always makes me feel like we have more than friendship. It’s not fair that it can never happen. I keep struggling a pointless battle against his iron-like grip.

Very slowly, about the speed that ice melts off of glaciers, I fall lax into Jax. He never loosens his hold on me; if anything it gets tighter the more I relax into him. He rubs my back in a soothing manner. When I finally mold to him, he picks me up and sits on my couch. He drapes my legs over him in a way that has me practically sitting in his lap.

A few minutes go by in a comfortable silence before I murmur, “I’m sorry Jax. I lost it when I saw those stupid flowers and I just—”

Jax’s large hand covers my mouth.

“I already told you not to apologize. YOU. DID. NOTHING. WRONG.” Sighing Jax runs a hand through his hair. Collecting himself, he says in a much calmer voice, “I get it more than you can possibly understand, Ads. I know who Stargazer Lilies remind you of. I know all of this is too much for you on most days . . . but being blindsided with something like Had’s flowers . . .” His voice trails off as he gets a distant look in his eyes. I know that look, he’s remembering something. I wonder if he’s picturing me setting the flowers onto her grave.

“I didn’t throw them away. They’re in your room . . . where they belong.” He continues to say something to me, but I don’t hear him. I’m somewhere else.

“Stay with me, Ads. I’m here. Talk to me,” Jax begs quietly before pressing his lips to mine. All of my senses come to life, everything disappears but Jax. He brings me back before I’m gone.

“Thank you,” I mumble against his lips. Jax winks. My face heats up. “Not for that. You’re always here for me. So thanks, Jax, for knowing what I need more than I do.” I kiss his cheek. “Thank you for not throwing them away like I would have done,” I whisper into his ear.

Jax holds my hand in his. “I’ll always be here for you, Ads.”

“I know,” I agree because I don’t doubt him. Whenever I needed him most, Jax has always been here. I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it.

“Did you know when Hadley was two, that’s when she first fell in love with Stargazer Lilies?” I ask even though I already know the answer.

“She would always go to such lengths to get her way.”

“That’s putting it mildly.” I surprise us both by jumping off the couch. “I’ll be right back.”

“Take your time.” Jax knows exactly what I’m going to do.

I need to see the flowers that remind me of my dead baby sister. I need to do this. Each step closer to my bedroom, brings me closer to everything I chose to forget. When I finally reach my doorknob, my breathing is rapid. I wish my brother was here. I don’t think I can do this by myself. I’m not strong enough. I can’t move. My knuckles whiten as I firmly squeeze the doorknob.

Jax comes up behind me, his hand covers mine. “You ready?”

He didn’t leave me. “Yes,” I say with a shaky breath.

Together we open the door. Jax holds my hand again. The warmth from his fingers helps center me. As usual, Jax is right. Hadley wouldn’t want me to act like her favorite flowers are a bomb ready to explode. No matter how painful this is, I need to do this. I can do this. I chant in my head.

My gaze instantly goes to the flowers sitting on my nightstand. I have no idea how I missed them when I took a shower. I feel them pulling me toward them. Jax doesn’t let go of my hand while we approach my nightstand.

The pink petals are vibrant against the white backdrop of the walls of my bedroom. Some of them haven’t fully bloomed yet. Hadley’s favorite thing, she would love to watch them grow, to open up. She thought it was magical. The way she view the world was extraordinary. She saw the beauty in everything.

I rub the yellow tentacles in the center of the bulbs, dyeing my finger tips yellow. It’s exactly what Hads would do, just to one of them. Their powerful scent already fills my room with their fragrance. I used to hate that, I always thought these were the type of flowers that needed to be outside. Now it’s as if I have a piece of my little sister back, I don’t want to part without them, without Hadley.

“I’m so proud of you, Ads,” Jax says, breaking the silence.

Without taking my gaze off them, I attempt to lighten the mood. “Now that you got your way and pretty much forced me to face my fears, you can go now. I know you need to get up early for your meeting, and besides, I’m getting kinda sick of seeing your ugly face.”

“Ugly? Me? Come on, Ads, we both know I’m the hottest man on the planet. I have women falling all over themselves just to catch a glimpse of me.”

I try to hold a straight face, but I can’t. “You’re impossible.”

“Ah, but I got you to smile.”

“When are you leaving again?” I quip.

Jax takes my face into his hands. “How are you doing?”

“Better than I thought,” I say truthfully.

“I really don’t want to—”

“Jax, I’m a big girl. I actually don’t need you to look after me all of the time.”

“If I don’t, who will?”

“Go home already,” I say, ignoring his question.

Walking Jax to the front door, I have the sudden urge to keep him here. I don’t want him to leave, I don’t want to be alone. I quickly throw away that thought. I don’t need to spend anymore one-on-one time with him, it just confuses me.

“Bye, Ads.”

I don’t say anything to him as the door closes because I’m afraid that I’ll ask him to stay. Definitely not something that needs to come out of my mouth.

The next day, I wake up and smile when I turn over to see the beautiful Stargazer Lilies on my nightstand. It feels amazing to smile at something that used to bring delight to Hadley without getting stuck in the past. For the first time, I realize there’s a note attached to the flowers. I’m not even a little surprised that I missed it yesterday. Anticipation killing me, I lean over and grab it.