I sit down on one of the white couches in Liv’s office and wait for her to start. Hopefully today will be one of those days that she occupies my mind with questions so I can stop thinking about Jax. I’ve been doing pretty well at keeping him out of my thoughts unless someone brings him up. Now I can’t stop thinking about him, of course.

My mind is everywhere else but Liv’s office. I barely can come out of my own depressing thoughts to tell her about the new job. I vaguely recall her telling me she’s proud and knows that I will do great. Oh, I guess I did tell her, go autopilot me.

“Want to tell me what’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Do I really get a choice?”

She doesn’t bite. Not that I thought she would, she never does.

“Usually when you come in, I either have to pull teeth out of you to get you to talk or you’re pretty forthcoming, it’s always one or the other. I don’t usually get the side of you when you’re not really here. Well, not anymore.”

“The way you describe me makes it appear that I have multi-personality disorder.”

She ignores me. I fake hurt; my joke was pretty funny. I even used a psychology term and everything.

“What’s going on? I thought you would be excited about the new job, but you look like someone just kicked a puppy. Are things with Kohen still going strong? Have things not gotten better with Jax?”

Deciding to just lay it out there for her I say, “Things with Kohen are good . . . well, great, actually.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s just something Logan said right before I walked in that I can’t stop thinking about. Which makes me wonder if things are actually good with Kohen, or if I’m just pretending without even realizing it. I’m so used to pretending all of the time, I guess it gets harder to distinguish between what’s real and what’s an act.”

I pick at my perfect cuticles. “I’m happy about the job. It shows that I’m ready to get my act together and do something with my degree. I just . . . I don’t know.”

When Liv doesn’t say anything, I stop examining my nails and find her staring at me.

“I’m going to guess the thing Logan said has something to do with Jax?”

My silence is enough of an answer. She knows about my past with Jax and the recent time we slept together. She knows everything.

“I don’t think that you’re pretending with Kohen, but only you can answer that question. From everything you’ve told me, and how I’ve seen you come alive lately, I know that Kohen has a lot to do with that. You have unresolved issues with Jax and until you get closure with him, you will always second guess yourself with Kohen.”

I wait for her continue, but she doesn’t. So typical. Something about the way she said closure rings true. I just don’t want closure with him, it’s so final.

“Really? That’s all you have to say? That doesn’t really help me out here. Obviously I’m aware I have unresolved issues with Jax. I thought he was ready to let me in, but I haven’t talked to him in almost three months. How can I possibly get closure?”

Ugh, I feel like screaming in frustration. Instead I act like the adult I am and not the child I wish I was sometimes, just so I could get away with screaming at the top of my lungs.

“I like Kohen, I really do. I love how honest he is with me and how he makes me feel. I just wonder if it’s okay to be with him when I secretly have feelings for Jax. It’s just that I-I don’t know . . . I’m so confused.”

She nods, causing a strand of her honey colored hair to fall into her face. She swipes it behind her ear, displaying a beautiful wedding ring. Absently I play with my empty ring finger. I’ve noticed her ring a million times, I’ve never once felt anything towards it. Marriage is something I don’t deserve. I haven’t imagined sharing my life with anyone in a long time. Even now I can’t picture a man at my side. But as I become mesmerized by her ring, I realize that I’m jealous. Olivia has a life with someone, like everyone else, and I’ll never allow myself to have that. I don’t know how. Do I even want that? Some part of me does, or I wouldn’t be jealous of her. Liv’s voice distracts me and I focus on her elegant white and black wallpaper on the far left wall as she continues.

“If you’re asking if I think it’s wrong for you to see Kohen knowing how you feel about Jax, my answer is no. You’re not leading him on. You two aren’t even ‘exclusive’ from the last I heard. You have nothing to worry about on that. Adalynn, you’re only twenty-three, you don’t need to have everything figured out right now. I don’t even have everything figured out and I’m forty-five.”

As she waits for that to sink in, the grandfather clock’s ticking gets louder, absorbing my every thought. Everything floats away as I begin counting each time it swings to the left. I count all the way to twelve before she continues, capturing my attention again.

“Jax has been a part of your life since you were a little girl. Not having him in your life is going to be hard. You have to remind yourself not to call him when you have exciting news. Maybe it’s time to share some of your excitement with someone else.”

Even though she doesn’t say Kohen, I think that’s who she means. Which makes sense. If I want to take things further when Kohen, I need to rely on him more and not focus on who I can’t count on.

Her hazel eyes plead with mine as she urges, “Don’t shut down again.”

I straighten up and shift into a cross-legged position. “Thanks, that actually helps, and you don’t have to worry, it turns out that I actually like living life instead of pretending all of the time.”

She smiles at me; I don’t return it. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever really smile again. Sometimes I feel like I can, that I am, but then I realize that I was simply pretending. It’s hard to notice the difference. I pick at my nails again, trying to gather my jumbled thoughts.

“I wish that it didn’t hurt so much just to hear his name. When he walked away from me that day at the park, I had no idea that he was walking out of my life. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath since then and I can’t breathe without him in my life. I want my friend back.”

I bite my lip, a method of stalling I’ve always used. I rub my forehead, feeling a headache coming on. The words spill out of my mouth without any conscious thought.

“I’m afraid that if I never get my friend back, I won’t be able to stop pretending. I hate that I count on him so much. I hate that it seems my happiness depends on Jax being in my life. The only time I’m not pretending is when he’s near. Just his presence makes everything better. When he looks at me, really sees me for me, it’s as if he shines light into the darkness of my life, chasing away every haunting memory from my past.”

Thinking about how far Jax is from me makes me want to cry, which of course pisses me off. I refuse to cry over something so stupid. Welcoming the anger to center me, I stare past Liv and out the windows.

“I don’t understand why he’s doing this. He’s put up this wall and I just want back in. I thought after everything we’ve been through together that he would always be here for me. Whenever I tried to run away from anything, he wouldn’t let me. He was always pushing me to be better, to be more than I am, even when we were kids. I just can’t believe he would let that go.”

Liv gets up and grabs a black teddy bear from a chair in the corner. When she hands it to me, I raise my eyebrow at her in question, but take the dumb bear anyways. My fingers roam over the soft fur.

“Squeezing your frustration into him will help.”

“Him?” My lips quirk up into a grin.

“Yes, him. Another patient of mine named him Mr. Bear.”

A unladylike snort escapes me. “Fitting since he’s a bear.”

Sitting back down, she waits for me to continue talking about everything else running through my head. I give the bear a squeeze before I pour my heart out yet again and realize the stuffed animal does indeed help. Go figure.