It was a phenomenon I failed to grasp, but I didn’t know if it was because I wasn’t human or because I was female.

Tristan flipped another light switch and led me to a comfortable red couch we used to watch movies on, when the TV wasn’t shoved into a corner and actually hooked up to electrical outlets.

We sat down with several inches separating us and then turned toward each other. We both brought a knee up so now they grazed against each other. Tristan jerked at the contact like I surprised him, he stared down at my bare knee like it had the answers to his unasked questions.

I looked down at my legs, too; I looked so silly. I was fresh from soccer practice, so my running shorts and homecoming t-shirt from last year, that was one size too small but seemed to fit Ok, with a sports’ bra on was not doing me any favors. My head was dried sweat, still half wet and the other half was stiff grossness until the ponytail at which point it stopped being damp and just turned angry. And my shins and feet still showed the indents of my shin guards and knee high socks.

Plus, I could not be smelling all that great right now.

“Your mom is so trusting.” I shook my head and smiled at Tristan. “Isn’t she worried about a teen pregnancy?”

“I think she secretly wants one.” Tristan’s eyes grew a bit wide and unfocused. “She’s been hinting to my dad that she wants another baby and he’s been hinting back that he’s never giving her another child again. And then Trader brought home a girl last weekend and she basically offered to get us all out of the house so they could be alone. It’s embarrassing. She just wants a baby in this house. I think she’s willing to do anything to get it.”

“Your family is so crazy,” I laughed at him. “But I love it here. My house is always so quiet and boring.”

“Your house is boring?” he rolled his eyes. “Seems like plenty goes on there that is definitely not boring.”

“Sure, but you know, after the saving the world stuff, it’s just…. silent.”

“I could use some silence,” Tristan sighed. He laid his head on the back of the couch and looked up at the ceiling.

So I let him have it. We sat there, lost in our own thoughts for several minutes. That was what I loved about Tristan- we could just exist around each other and it was the most peaceful experience.

Finally he let his head fall to the side so he could look at me. I met his emerald gaze and waited for him to say whatever was on his mind.

After a few more moments of internal deliberation he said, “It was stupid of me to ask you out. I should know better.”

“What does that mean?” I tried not to be offended by his words. I could tell by his tone he wasn’t trying to pick a fight with me.

“I mean I should have known that was asking you too much. I know I don’t act like it but I do get this whole thing with Seth. I get that you can’t pick me or I don’t know what. I just know that I’m not an option. But Stella, my feelings for you haven’t stopped.” He laughed a little self-deprecatingly at himself and then said, “Actually I think they get stronger every day I’m with you.”

“You’ve been a little distant lately, I didn’t know what to think.” I stared down at my hands and tried not to smile too big while a warm deliciousness spread through my body, unfurling inside me with each one of his words.

“That thing with Seth, I was pretty ashamed of my behavior. And not just because of what happened with him but how I was with you before that. I didn’t mean to come of like such a dick, I just…. It’s like every day you’re with him I lose you more and more. I’m terrified of that and of the day you’re finally all his. It feels like I have to hold onto you as tightly as I can now, so that when the day comes and you’re his, I at least have these memories.” He took my hands in his and pulled them on his lap. I scooted closer to him so that my legs pressed against his. I knew exactly what he meant. I lifted my gaze to meet his and he continued, “I pulled away hoping that I could save some of myself, you know? Hoping there would be some of myself left when you finally leave me.”

“This is self-preservation?” I asked with a small smile.

“I watched it happen,” he sighed.

“Watched what happen?”

“I watched you fall in love with him,” Tristan whispered. His green eyes were dull with sadness and his lips pressed into a frustrated frown. “It was one thing to compete with your destiny when you didn’t have feelings for him. But, now, I don’t know, I guess I’m not sure where we stand. Where…. I stand.”

I wanted to reassure him that his fears and concerns weren’t true. Especially now that Seth was gone. But what could I say? He was right.

“So we’re just…. over?” I finally found the courage to whisper.

He smiled sadly at me. “I wish it were that simple.”

I pressed my lips together and held my breath. I should take this opportunity and cut out any hope that Tristan would have for us. If anything my future love life was bleak and at best it was obnoxiously complicated. I didn’t want to give Tristan hope where there wasn’t any. I didn’t even have a sliver of faith for Seth, how could I possibly have any expectations for Tristan?

“I can’t…. I’m not strong enough to walk away from you.” He confessed this like he was ashamed of himself and I felt my chest cavity crack open. This was unfair to him.

I flopped my body over and laid my head against him. “I’m sorry.” And I truly meant that.

He wrapped his arm around my waist and held me against him. “I’ve been trying to hold back. I wanted to give you some space. I know this has been…. difficult for you and then with Seth leaving. I wasn’t even sure if you realized you were in love with him yet. I don’t want to pressure you into anything.”

“Thank you,” I murmured because it was the only thing I could think to say. “I don’t feel pressured. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“I do have to worry about that,” Tristan mumbled. “Especially now that the other guy is temporarily out of the picture.”

“Do you really think it’s only temporary? I feel like he’s gone forever.”

“But that’s only because you don’t understand what he has to come back to.” His words were so serious and flattering that I couldn’t breathe.

It was wrong of me to ask Tristan to comfort me about Seth walking away. I knew that. And he knew that.

But I couldn’t stop his words from sparking hope in my soul. Which meant what? That what I was doing with Tristan was wrong. But how did I stop? How did I walk away from Seth when that meant death for him? But how did I hang onto Tristan when we had no future?

“This is complicated,” I groaned.

“Mmm-hmmm,” he agreed. His nose skimmed the back of my head and nuzzled a little against my neck. “But it has its good moments.”

I smiled, “Sometimes it has great moments.”

“So you’re Ok with me still being in love with you?”

I whirled around and caught his impish grin. “You’re not supposed to say that.”

I slapped his chest to make sure he knew I meant business, but he grabbed my wrist and tugged me across his lap. I was now straddling him on my knees.

“I’m not supposed to say that,” he agreed, with his voice all low and teasing. “I apologize.”

My breath hitched when his fingers trailed up my sides with the lightest touches. I shook my head at him and tried to act cool. Even though I wasn’t. Even though I was boiling inside and my skin had started to glow.

“I smell awful.”

“Yep.”

“And I look all sweaty and dirty.”

“Definitely.”

His hands grabbed firmly to my waist and he tugged me forward so that my stomach pressed against his chest. His hands slid to my lower back and held me in place. I slid my hands over his shortly buzzed hair, loving the feel of it under my fingers.

“This does it for you?” I giggled.