He studied her in moody silence. His head felt like it was cracking open, and she was trying to be polite. “What the hell are we doing, Arilyn?”

She dropped his hand and took a step back. He cursed when he saw the hurt flash in those meadow-green eyes, but he was too far gone. “Don’t you know yet?” she said softly. “I do.”

He rubbed his scalp and began to pace. “Actually, I know what the plan was. Have great sex. Date. A few laughs. But lately it’s been more than that. I’m feeling pressure and I don’t know if this is working out.”

He waited for her thoughtful response and her need for a dialogue. Instead, she grabbed his arm, yanked at him, and got in his face.

“Don’t give me those lame excuses because you got spooked!” she shot back. “The only pressure you’re feeling right now is from yourself. I didn’t ask for this, either, buddy, but here it is, and I’m going to deal with it!”

He sneered and leaned in. “I knew you’d start spinning cozy fantasies about us. How many times do I have to tell you I’m no good for the long term?”

“Bullshit.” She shoved at his chest in pure fury. “So you’re divorced? Big deal. So you’re a cop? Big deal. So you like to go shoot pool with the guys every Friday night? Oooh, so scary! I didn’t put any pressure on you, and I don’t intend to. But I’m not going to pussyfoot around the big bad cop and not be honest about my feelings. I’ve done that enough with my ex.”

“Don’t compare me to him again!” he yelled. “He’s a son of a bitch who never deserved you!”

“Neither do you if you keep acting like an ass!”

“I know!”

They fell silent, panting, the energy building and raging around them. The sexual connection crackled like a live wire, and then he was pulling her against his chest and his lips slammed down over hers and he was drowning.

He ripped down her bodice and shoved her gown up to her waist. She moaned in the back of her throat, clawing at his jeans, her mouth opening wide to the thrust of his tongue. Stone tore off her panties, yanked her leg up, and drove his fingers deep into her core.

She cried out. He lowered his forehead to hers while his fingers sunk into wet, burning heat. He curled his middle finger just the way she liked it until he hit the sweet spot and she shuddered violently. “I gotta have you now,” he gritted out, frantically searching for the condom he always kept in his pocket.

“Quickly,” she urged. Another shudder caught her and a rush of liquid coated his hand. She fumbled, then her hand closed around his erection, stroking, guiding him to the sweetness between her thighs. “I can’t wait.”

In two seconds, he donned the condom, lifted her leg higher, and buried himself deep inside.

Mine.

Everything in him shifted, falling into place, giving him a sense of rightness at the same time his body practically wept with the need to claim her. He couldn’t be gentle or slow, but she matched him thrust for thrust, her short nails digging into his shoulders, her back slammed against the wall, moans being ripped from her throat as she bit into his bottom lip and hung on.

He fucked her, possessed her, and fell in love with her in that moment.

Then he came.

Her cries in his ear told him she was right there with him, and they fell into each other with no safety net, her body shaking as he pulled her tight and held her. Whispered in her ear. Stroked her hair.

Surrendered.

“I love you.”

Her voice drifted up, over, and around him. Simplicity and truth and elegance in those three little words. Stone held her tight, but his throat closed up and there was nothing to say.

“I know you don’t like it. Maybe you don’t even believe me. I know it’s fast and complicated and messes up a great affair. I’m not even asking for the words back. But I love you. Every part, good and bad. I love your big heart, and your crankiness, and your loyalty. I love your work ethic, and the way you deal with the world, and the way you look at me. I just love you.”

Half-naked, still inside her, her musky arousal rose to his nostrils like the sweetest of perfumes. Stone closed his eyes and spoke.

“The night my father pushed my mother down the stairs, I found out she was pregnant. It was supposed to be a surprise. She hit the fifteen-week mark, and when I got home from school, she took me aside and told me I’d have a brother or sister.”

He paused in the shattering silence. Then continued. “I was so happy. Things had been good for a while, and I thought my father would change once he heard. I was so lonely that I fantasized about having a sibling to take care of. To talk to at night. I imagined we’d be close, and it would be us against the world. I swore that day I’d protect the baby. But that didn’t happen. Instead, he came home drunk that night and went at my mom with a baseball bat. Said she was keeping secrets from him and thought she was having an affair. She told him about the pregnancy, but he didn’t believe her. Too late anyway. I tried to stop him, but she fell and broke her neck and lost the baby and I didn’t have anyone anymore.”

Something eased in his chest as the words spilled forth. Her arms held him tight, and he buried his lips in her hair, and it wasn’t as bad as he had thought it would be. No one had ever known about that part. And he’d decided if it was his own secret, the pain and guilt would just go away. He couldn’t protect his mother or the unborn baby. He couldn’t protect anyone.

“That night in the Bronx,” Arilyn said. “When you shot that man, and beat him up. The wife was pregnant, wasn’t she?”

“Yeah. Five months. The baby was okay, though. She got lucky.”

They stayed together for a while, not speaking. He’d never experienced comfort without sex, and he allowed himself to surrender to the embrace and the woman he was in love with.

“I’m so sorry, Stone. Thank you for telling me.”

He thought about where they could go from here. Still, there was no way it would work. He was a stubborn SOB, a lifelong bachelor, and had no desire to set up a future with children and dogs and a white picket fence. It would be good for a while. Real good. But then he’d work one too many late nights, go back to eating shitty food, lose his temper, and begin disappointing her. The spiral would begin.

“Come to bed with me.”

The invitation was more than physical. It was an askance of the next step for them both.

Stone pulled back and stared at her beautiful face. Stroked her swollen lips. Cupped her cheeks. Kissed her again.

“I can’t, Arilyn. I can’t do this.”

Pain and grief flickered in those green eyes. “You can. You’re choosing not to try.”

“I’m choosing not to disappoint you. It’s better this way. You’re better off without me.”

She pushed him away and he let her. He got himself together, disposed of the condom, and when he came back, she was frozen in place, her arms wrapped around her chest, squeezing tight, as if desperate for warmth. Something broke inside of him and Stone realized he’d never be whole again. Still, he didn’t reach for her.

He believed he was doing the right thing. Better now than later. Better now before it was too much for both of them.

He stopped at the door. “I’ll bring Pinky over in the morning.”

Her words were cold and deliberate. “Don’t. I’m asking you to keep her longer, Stone. You don’t have to be there for me. I’ve learned I’m strong and can heal. But Pinky needs to believe in something, and for now, that’s you. If you let her go, you’ll break her heart. And she may not heal from that.”

His eyes burned as he reached for the knob. “I’ll think about it.”

He left.

twenty

I LOST HIM.”

Tears streamed from her eyes, and a horrible hiccupping sob kept escaping her lips. She’d officially lost it. No breathing or meditation or calm reflection for her. She was falling apart in a wreck of emotion, and thank God, her only audience was her best friends.