I’ve had this moment. It was in October 2011 and I was putting the kids to bed. I was kissing and hugging them after a spirited wrestling match and singing a song that always cracks them up. It’s sung to the tune of “Silent Night.”

I change up the food every time and it always kills Sonny. He probably laughs harder at this than you have at any line in this book.

It occurred to me that I could have easily not done this. When it came to having kids, I thought, “I’m old enough, I’ve got a pretty good thing going here. Why mess with it?” And the message I got from my parents was that there was no upside to being a parent. I was a burden to them, why wouldn’t my own progeny be a pain in the ass, too? Had I listened to that retarded inner voice, I would have not had you two in my life, Sonny and Natalia. I would be a completely different person with a completely different purpose. I feel a little like a born-again Christian who, once he sees the light, looks back on all the years before like it was someone else living them. If I hadn’t gotten past myself and past my shitty upbringing, my life wouldn’t be nearly as fulfilling as it is today.

Being a parent is the greatest success. It’s the ultimate in long-term thinking. When you’re wiping poo-poo and not getting any sleep, you want to kill yourself, but the pride you feel when that kid does something right and shows you that you did your job well, when they have kids of their own and become good parents themselves, that’s the payoff. There’s no way to look that far down the road, but that’s when you feel satisfied. And when you do sense that satisfaction, take a beat and be grateful you could.

So my final piece of fatherly advice, Sonny and Natalia, is to have kids and love them as much as I love you.

Thank you to everyone at Dey Street/HarperCollins who told me I should write yet another book that no one in my family will read. This includes Lynn Grady, Sean Newcott, Mandy Kain, Heidi Richter, Shelby Peak and Paula Szafranski.

I should also thank the folks who handle all the business side of the book thing for me — James “Babydoll” Dixon, my agent, Dan Strone, my literary agent, and Dan Bodansky. I’d also like to tip my hat to Mike Lynch, the wizard behind the curtain for all of this.

Finally, to my editor, Carrie Thornton, whose complaints about her own kids brought a greater level of authenticity to my tales of woe.

ADAM CAROLLA is the author of the New York Times bestsellers In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks, Not Taco Bell Material and President Me, as well as a radio and television host, comedian, and actor. Carolla is well known as the cohost of the syndicated radio and MTV show Loveline, as the cocreator and star of The Man Show and Crank Yankers, and as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars and Celebrity Apprentice. He currently hosts Catch a Contractor and The Adam Carolla Show, which is the Guinness World Record holder for Most Downloaded Podcast and is available on iTunes and AdamCarolla.com.

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President Me

Not Taco Bell Material

In Fifty Years We’ ll All Be Chicks