There’s no place for me there.

***

“When will she wake up?” I hear Livie ask above the soft rhythmic beeping. I’d heard enough of those machines in my day to recognize it for what it is—a hospital I.V. If that doesn't give me a hint of where I'm at, the sickly sterile hospital odor sure does.

“When her mind is ready,” an unfamiliar male voice explains. “Kacey has gone into severe psychological shock. Physically, she’s fine. We’re just ensuring her body stays hydrated and nourished. Now we have to wait.”

“Is this normal?”

“From what I understand, your sister suffered a traumatic experience four years ago and has never recovered emotionally from that.”

The voices stop long enough that I dare crack open my lids. White and yellow walls fill my hazy vision.

“Kacey!” Livie’s face appears suddenly. Her eyes are puffy and lined with dark rings, like she hasn’t slept in days, her cheeks red and blotchy from crying.

“Where am I?” I ask, my voice coming out raspy.

“A hospital.”

“How? Why?”

Livie’s mouth falls open for a second before she pulls it closed again, trying to act calm. For my benefit. I know that. I know my Livie. Always so selfless. Always so caring. “You’re going to be fine, Kacey.” Her hands fumble with my blankets to find my fingers. She squeezes. “You’re going to get help. I’ll never let Trent hurt you again.”

Trent. That name attacks my body like a thousand pin pricks. I jolt in response.

Trent is Cole.

Trent destroyed my life. Twice.

Suddenly, I’m gasping for air, the reality squeezing my lungs like a vice. “How …” I start to say but I can’t speak because I can’t breathe. How is Trent, Cole? How did he find me? Why did he find me?

“Breathe, Kacey.” Livie tightens her grip on me, crawling in to lie down beside me and I realize I’m hyperventilating.

“I can’t, Livie.” I cry out, tears burning my cheeks. “I’m drowning.”

Her sobs fill the room.

He knew. All that time he pretended to be caring and sympathetic and unaware of my past, he is the cause of my past. It was his car, his friend, his drunken night that stole my life from me.

“It’s okay, Kacey. You’re safe.” Livie’s arms hug my body to hers, her weight resting against me to stop my body from shaking.

We stay like that for minutes. Hours. A life time. I don’t know. Nothing changes. Nothing until Storm crashes into the hospital room, panting as if she’s just run a marathon, a wildness in her eyes like I’d never seen before. “I know, Kacey. I know what happened to you. I know everything, now.” Tears spill out over her cheeks. She climbs into the other side of my bed and grabs hold of my hands. The three of us lay like sardines.

Tangled, sobbing sardines.

***

A hissing sound …

Bright lights …

Blood …

Trent’s beautiful face, his hands on the steering wheel.

Pointing at me.

Laughing.

“Kacey!” Something sharp smacks my face. “Wake up!”

I’m still screaming, even as Livie’s bulging eyes comes into focus front of me, and the machines around me. A sharp sting bites my cheek. I raise my hand to test it out.

“I’m sorry I had to slap you, but you wouldn’t stop screaming,” Livie explains through her tears.

The nightmares are back, only they’re worse. A million times worse.

“You won’t stop screaming, Kacey. You need to stop.” Livie sucks in a sharp sob as she curls up in my bed beside me and begins to rock, muttering to herself, “Please help her. God, please help her.”

***

“Which hospital is this, again?” I’ve been here two days now and Storm and Livie haven’t left my bed except to use the bathroom or get water and food.

Storm and Livie share a long, edgy glance. “A specialized one.” Livie says slowly.

“In Chicago,” Storm adds, setting her chin up a notch.

“What?” My voice gathers more strength behind it than I thought possible. I struggle to sit up in bed. I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.

Livie rushes to add, “There’s a P.T.S.D. clinic nearby. It’s supposed to be the best in the country.”

“Well … what … how …” I finally pull myself upright with the help of the bedrails. “Since when does public health cover the best P.T.S.D. clinic in the country?”

“Calm down, Kacey.” Storm gently pushes me back down into a lying position. I don’t have the strength to fight her.

“Uh, no, I can’t calm down. We can’t pay for this …” I fumble with my I.V., cursing to myself.

“What’re you doing?” Livie asks, panic in her voice.

“Ripping this damn thing out of my arm and getting the hell out of this swanky cuckoo nest.” I swat her hand away as she tries to stop me. “What’s it costing, huh? Five thousand per night? Ten?”

“Shhh, don’t worry about that, Kace.” Storm smooths my hair.

It’s her turn to get a hand swat. “Someone has to worry about it! What the hell am I going to do? Take up permanent residence at Penny’s V.I.P. room wearing nothing but knee pads so I can pay the bill!”

“I see our patient is awake?” The unfamiliar soft voice from before interrupts, and stalls my fit. I turn to see a decent looking older man with a receding hair line and kind charcoal eyes hold his hand out toward me. I hadn’t even heard him come in. “Hello, I’m Dr. Stayner.” I glare at that hand like it’s covered in spots and oozing puss until he pulls it back. “Yes, that’s right. Your issue with hands.”

Myissue with hands? I scowl at Livie and she averts her gaze.

If any of this bothers the doctor, I can’t tell. “Kacey. Your case was brought to me by—”

“Dan,” Storm cuts in, her eyes shifting between the doctor’s and Livie’s.

“Right. Dan.” He clears his throat. “I think I can help you. I think you can live a normal life again. But I can’t help if you don’t want to be helped. Understand?” I’m left gaping at this man who calls himself a doctor and so clearly can’t be. What kind of doctor walks into a room and says that?

When I don’t answer, he strolls over to look out the barred window. “Do you want to be happy again, Kacey?”

Happy. There’s that word. I thought I was happy. And then Trent destroyed me. Again. I fell in love with my family’s murderer. I spent night after night with him next to me, inside me, dreaming of a future with him. Bile rises to my throat with the thought.

“A requirement of my therapy session is that my patients talk, Kacey,” Dr. Stayner explains without a hint of sarcasm or annoyance in his voice. “So I’ll ask you again. Do you want to be happy?”

God, this guy’s pushy. And he’s going to force me to talk. That’s what this is about. Why does everyone insist on drudging up the past? It’s done. It’s over. No amount of talking will ever change it, will ever bring anyone back. Why am I the only one who sees this?

That comforting numbness is back and trickling into my limbs and chest, forming a hard icy coating over my heart. My body’s natural defense. Numbness to take away the pain. “There’s no such thing as being happy for me.” My voice is cold and hard.

He turns to me again, those kind eyes tinged with pity. “Oh, there is, Miss Cleary. It will be an uphill battle, and I will test you every step of the way. I can be unconventional with my methods. With you, I will do things that are questionable. You may hate me at times, but you and I will get there together. You just have to want to. I will not move you into my clinic until you willingly agree to it all.”

“No,” I growl defiantly, the very idea of going anywhere with this new quack outrageous.

I hear a choking sound beside me. It’s Livie, struggling to stay calm. “Kacey, please,” she pleads.

I set my jaw stubbornly, even though it pains me to see her like this.

She sees my knee jerk reaction and sudden rare fury flashes in her eyes. “You are not the only one who lost their parents, Kacey. This isn’t just about you anymore.” She jumps out of my bed and hovers over me, her fists balled up. And then she rages like I’ve never seen before. “I can’t take it! The nightmares, the fighting, the distance. I’ve had to deal with this for four years, Kacey!” Livie’s hysterical now, tears pouring freely, screaming, and I expect security to stalk in any second. “Four years of watching you come and go in my life, wondering if today’s the day I’m going to find you hanging in a closet or floating in a river. I get that you were in that car. I get that you had to see everything. But what about me?” She chokes, the fury that fueled her forward with that outburst deflating, leaving her looking drained and miserable. “I keep losing you over and over again and I can’t take it anymore!”