“I’m not trying to be offensive,” I avoided looking at you as I threw down the gauntlet. “He likes you. He seems like your type.” My shoulders shrugged again in an attempt to show indifference, knowing what I’d just done and feeling both pissed and relieved over the fact.

“My type?” The tone of your voice and the volume had people turning around to look at us, but I ignored them.

“You know, pretty boy, likes to talk about himself and how great he is. Spends a decent amount of his day on his hair and picking out his clothes ...”

“That’s what you think my type is?” Your frustration turned to rage in a second. “Isn’t he your friend? It’s good to know it’s not just people you don’t know that you have no problem insulting.”

“Fuck no.” I’m sure by the way your eyes had rounded with challenge, you saw my own annoyance peak at the mere idea of you thinking that, making me continue with, “I was there, he came to say hello, and then you showed up.”

I watched your eyes slide from mine and your head drop back to look at the sky. I thought you were too disgusted to look at me any longer. I was freaking the fuck out inside.

My lungs didn’t expand until you said, “I don’t have a type.”

“He and Eric seem pretty similar. Plus, I went to high school with you.”

“Nate isn’t my type. He makes my skin crawl.”

“Usually girls say that after they’ve slept with him.” I don’t know why I said that. Honest to God it was like I couldn’t stop, and I never meant them in accusation, but just in thought. I don’t think I even realized I’d said the words out loud until your eyes whipped to mine faster than it seemed possible.

You stared at me for a long moment as I tried to recount exactly what my words had been so I could try to find a way of explaining them. “Who in the hell do you think you are?” You began yelling at that point, likely drawing more attention to us, but I continued to not care. I knew to be fair to both of us, I had to allow you to remain pissed off at me. It would make it easier for me to avoid you, by you avoiding me is what I told myself as I fought the apology that wanted to come out in fifteen different sorry-ass ways.

“You don’t know anything about me! You think because some asshole pays attention to me that I should just spread my legs? That might be your game, but it sure as hell isn’t mine.”

That time it was me that felt like I’d been slapped in the face. You believed all the rumors from high school about me sleeping with all of those girls. Of course you had. Everyone did. I still wanted to apologize because even though you’d just dealt me an insult that you had no idea stung more than most others, you didn’t deserve the insinuation I’d delivered. Warring with my desire to apologize was the yearning to yell at you, and then an even stronger need to kiss you. The chaos happening to my emotions made my head feel like it was going to explode. I sometimes wonder if that’s how you feel when you start over analyzing all the shit you do.

My eyes fell to the ground because I couldn’t stare at you for another second without doing one of the three options my mind had settled on, knowing that if I did any of them, I’d regret it. Out of the corner of my eye I watched as you stood up and left. You didn’t turn to look back at me as you slid back into the house.

I had a half a mind to go track down Nathan Hudson and pummel him. If he hadn’t spoken to you, none of that shit would have happened! Then again, I wouldn’t have known what I did, which I was still working to understand.

“Miller, what’s up man?” I turned to see Joel and Carver, and tried to calm myself down.

“You alright, dude?” Joel asked as they stopped in front of me.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” My hand brushed across my hair a few times, feeling the slight residue of some sculpting hair shit I’d been using to try and stop the habit.

“I heard you were home. We just started a softball league and I was going to come by your place. We play games every weekend. It’s going to be the shit, dude. All kinds of guys that we used to play against are joining.”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s a good time right now. I just moved back and two of my buddies are staying with me at my mom’s until we land ourselves a place up in San Diego. What are you guys doing here?”

“Lame, right?” I nodded in response to Carver’s question, but all I really wanted to do was find you.

“I saw you out here with Ace. What are you complaining about?” Joel jabbed me with his elbow. “Seriously, she gets hotter every time I see her. Are you guys …”

I shook my head as Carver offered me a cigarette that I refused with a wave of my hand. “Nah, she’s just my neighbor. I don’t really know her. She and Nathan Hudson exchanged some words. I was just checking to see what was going on.” I was working hard to believe those words myself, I thought maybe saying them aloud would help.

“What?” Carver’s eyes narrowed slightly as smoke billowed from his nostrils. I know you guys hung out a little your sophomore year, leading me to avoiding him for a while.

“It’s nothing. He’s just drunk.” I didn’t want Carver to try being your knight either.

“He fucked around with Kendall, remember? Ace hates him. Both of them do. If you want to go hammer some sense into him, we’ll help,” Carver offered me a deal that was so tempting, but as you know, I didn’t take him up on it. But his recollection reminded me of senior year. I remember hearing something about him and Kendall, but never cared to listen for the details. High school was a breeding ground for lies and half-truths. I knew that first hand. My need to find Jameson helped me brush off their offer. I was hoping he’d stopped listening to my advice and had sought out Kendall, giving me an easy excuse to at least be near you again.

“That’s alright. I think she can handle herself. I have to go though. I’ve got to find my friend.” I wonder if they saw my eagerness to get in the house? I really didn’t give a shit.

Kendall was the only one that I found. She was laughing and smiling at some guys I didn’t know along with some girls from school, but I saw her eyes stretch across the crowd numerous times. After I circled the house again, I was feeling slightly anxious when I couldn’t find Jameson or you. Kendall’s blue eyes stopped on mine and I swear her smile grew. She’s told me this before, but remembering the way her entire face lit up makes me feel pretty sure she somehow knew I was looking for you.

Unsure of where else Jameson could have gone I moved back outside and the first thing that caught my attention was your yellow pants again. Jameson was beside you along with Jess Finley. I was a little nervous, although I knew Jameson talked about Kendall, I knew he’d been interested in you when he pulled into your driveway. After the barbecue at your parents’ house, we’d left to meet some friends and Jameson assured me he would lay off of you, that he hadn’t known that I had feelings for you. I had told him he was full of shit but he just laughed and shook his head. As I approached you guys, I feared maybe he was reneging on his deal.

“She’s right. She wants you to fight for her attention.” I heard you tell Jameson, and I smiled a little to myself that you guys were discussing Kendall, making me regret not trusting J.

“I told you.” Your shoulders sank, but your eyes turned to mine with a challenge and spark of intensity. The thought of seeing how long you’d engage in the stare down intrigued me, but Jess interrupted the exchange when she threw her arm around me and called out my name in greeting.

“Hey, Jess.” Guilt punched my stomach for not having reached out to her in the past year. I should have. I owed it to Keith.

“Blondie giving you some good advice on what to do, or you ready to bounce?” I needed to get away from you already. I was wrong, I couldn’t be near you. The party was inflicting way too many emotions that I couldn’t deal with. I barely caught you glaring at me as my eyes scanned across the yard, also vaguely noticing Jess giving me a curious expression.