I don’t know what courses through me. It’s so consuming, it overpowers my ability to think straight as his words hit me again and again like a physical attack.

I don’t hear or see anything. Not the satisfying crunch of flesh, not even the blood that’s now covering me, but at some point I realize I’m being pulled away and feel my body react to it. I struggle to get free from the grip on my arms as another goes around my neck, and then I hear Pedro repeating that he thought I knew.

I never knew. How much had I never known?

I get shoved outside and into Landon’s SUV before I can stop it. My mind’s far too warbled to be able to object to the chain of events as thought after thought rains on my brain. Is that why she had stayed a virgin so long? What had he done to her? Did he cause part of her strange issues about attachment and the future? Did he hurt her? When in the hell did it happen?

The ride home is filled with silent thoughts. I can hear their minds shouting the same questions mine is.

When we pull into the driveway I break the trance. “I need Kendall to call her.”

Jameson turns in his seat beside me and stares at me blankly, as if he’s trying to make sense of my simple words.

“Find out what in the hell happened!” I demand.

“Dude, they just started getting to where—”

“I need to know if he touched her! I need to know what happened!” I watch Jameson’s jaw clench as my words come out in a yell.

Finally he nods and turns away.

That night I sit outside with my phone off so I don’t receive messages or calls from Erin. I can’t see her right now, not when every single one of my thoughts and emotions is working to dissect every interaction with her. How did I not know this? Why hadn’t she told me? If I had known this, there is no way in hell I would have ever been okay with her staying at the apartment. Then again, neither would her parents, or Kendall. How in the hell does Pedro know about what happened, and the rest of us are in the dark?

“Hey, Son.” He doesn’t wait for me to reply, probably because he knows I won’t. His footsteps approach me on the patio and he takes a seat, causing Zeus’s tail to loudly thump in anticipation.

“You want to talk about it?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Seems to me there’s mountain loads to talk about.”

“She left.” My admission is met with silence that I allow to fill the space between us for a long while, assuming that this advice thing is as new to him as it is to me. For some reason I continue. Maybe it’s the alcohol, or maybe if I go back to trying to be honest with myself, I’ll realize that if I hold these words inside of me any longer, I’ll combust. “I loved her and she left. Maybe I wasn’t enough. Maybe I’ll never be enough.” I’ve been thinking these words since before we even got together.

“We had a fight. Her best friend got married, and Kendall was planning on moving in with us. The suggestion that she move in was brought up, and she freaked out. She snuck out of bed, packed a bunch of shit up, and went back to her apartment without saying anything. I was so pissed. How do you go from all in to pulling all the way back like that? I don’t get it! I was so …” I shake my head, trying to find the right word.

“Scared. You were scared, Son.”

“I was shitting my pants scared,” I admit.

I sit in silence, soaking up my acknowledgment. For some reason admitting this fact seems to relieve me of something, and makes my chest feel less constricted. I take a deep breath, letting the silence calm my emotions.

“Then her dad died and all hell broke loose. She completely changed. She pushed everyone away. She couldn’t stand for people to touch her or be around her. She just hid out all the time, biding her time until she finally told us she was leaving. She’d planned it all. She sold her shit, she broke her lease, she transferred schools. She did it all without saying a fucking word about it. Then, she left.”

“It sounds like she’s scared too.”

“How did she not tell me someone hurt her like that? I don’t even know when it happened? Or what happened.”

“If what’s going on in there is any indication, I don’t think many did.”

I don’t know if someone else has filled him in that she’s Kendall’s sister, or if the pieces are just falling into place. Regardless, his words tell me that Kendall apparently hadn’t known and is losing her shit as well. I glance over my shoulder to the glass slider as though I’ll be able to hear or see something. When I don’t, I slowly nod. The realization that Kendall hadn’t known relieves a small sliver of my pain and enlarges another mass as I wonder why in the hell Pedro knew. Why didn’t she confide in Kendall?

“We all have reasons for the secrets we keep. They’re not always good ones, but they’re reasons all the same.”

I take a deep breath and try to fight formulating more questions about her and what else she never told me.

I can’t seem to lose the shadow that’s been trailing me all evening. I need to settle this. I won’t be able to sleep if I don’t. I head upstairs and grab my keys and am halfway down the stairs when Landon and Jameson appear, staring at me expectantly.

“No,” Landon says, shaking his head and raising his arm to point back toward my room.

I ignore them and continue down as Jameson braces himself in the doorway.

“You can’t go after him right now, dude. You’re too pissed. You can’t even see straight. You won’t be able to stop.”

“I DON’T WANT TO STOP!” I yell in Jameson’s face.

He flinches as my temper boils over but quickly regains his composure, standing straighter so that he’s nearly as tall as I am. “Dude, you already did damage. If you go back over there now and seek him out, that would be a whole mess of charges on you: trespassing, premeditation, assault. The list goes on and on. You’re not going out there,” he warns.

I hesitate long enough for Landon to add, “You don’t want to do this, man, because if you go, we go too.”

“You’re freaking out because you’re wondering if this is part of why she left. I understand.” Kendall’s voice is thick with tears. She sniffles as she takes in another labored gasp from somewhere behind me. “I hate him too. I’ve never hated someone so much in my entire life.” I catch a glimpse of her as she steps toward me and see the tears streaming down her face.

“She never told me either, and I’m really, really …” She takes another deep breath as her tears fall. They’re coming so fast they’re not even rolling, just falling from her lashes to her shirt and the floor. I’ve seen way too many tears in the last year to notice the difference. “I’m really mad at her. She should have told us. She should have pressed charges. She should never have hid it.”

I avoid everyone, especially Erin, for a couple of days until Jameson knocks on my door, and I know by his bleak expression that his news is going to piss me off.

“She won’t talk to her about it. She won’t tell Kendall.”

My eyes narrow, feeling the anger building inside of me like a storm, causing my muscles to clench. I shrug past him, taking the stairs two and three at a time, going directly to Jameson’s room and pushing the door open hard enough it would probably swing back at me if I hadn’t raised my hand in anticipation.

“What in the hell, Max?” Kendall shrieks.

“What do you mean she won’t talk to you about it?”

“She. Won’t. Talk. About. It. Similar to how you refuse to discuss her. This should be familiar to you.”

I don’t have the patience to deal with Kendall. If she were a guy, I’d break her nose right about now, but since that isn’t an option I just yell louder.