A heavy breath leaves me and goose bumps stretch across my skin at the prospect of doing so.

“You won’t know unless you try.” Kendall’s finger slides against the outside of my ring finger, tickling the spot that my tattoo resides as a constant reminder of the love I’ve carried for Max. At times it’s been a painful reminder, but at others, it has been a lifeline for me, reminding me that it was all real.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”

–Friedrich Nietzsche

“Do you see him?” I whisper, leaning closer to Kendall and receiving a look of confusion from my escort, Ian, a groomsman that I’ve neglected to learn anything more from than his name.

Kendall cranes her neck forward, whispering something to Savannah as Mindi leans back. We’re standing in order of age, which is killing both Kendall and me since we can’t see around anyone to know if Max has shown up. She recruited Jameson’s help as soon as we finished our conversation about Max. I’m not sure what they told him to try and get him to come. I’m not even sure that they were able to get a hold of him. The last hour has passed in a blur of posing for pictures and trying to ignore the panic in my heart so my smiles looked genuine.

“There’s a couple of empty seats next to Wes,” Kendall whispers, but I can tell by the lack of conviction in her tone that she also knows this doesn’t mean much.

The music begins and I thread my arm through Ian’s and crane my neck around my other two sisters to watch Mindi and Kyle head down the aisle arm in arm.

“Ace.”

I turn around to see my mom standing beside Jenny. They both look beautiful, and excited, and a little sad.

“Remember, sometimes you have to listen to your heart and block this out.” She taps her finger against my temple, bringing me back to last year and the morning after I slept with Max and went home when I found him pacing across the floor with anger burning in his eyes. Anger that I later learned was regret, an emotion that will torment you.

I slide my arm free from Ian and hug my mom with a fierceness that fills me with a strength I haven’t felt in a long time. “I love you too, mom.”

“I love you too, sweetheart. I love you so much.”

Jenny swipes away a tear before it can fall down her cheek, and her lips quiver between a smile and frown as her eyes turn away from us.

“Your daddy’s sittin’ in heaven right now, watchin’ his little girls that have somehow become women, and I know he’s proud of each of you, just as I am. You girls and your sisters are my world.”

The front door behind us pushes open and Max appears, wearing a black suit. He’s missing a tie and a couple of buttons on his shirt, but I barely notice because I’m staring at the black Converse shoes that have made my heart stop.

When my eyes return to his clean shaven face, his cobalt eyes are focused on mine, making my heart start again at a rapid speed that makes my head feel light.

“I’m sorry.” His eyes lock on me as he says the words, but his head turns to Jenny and my mom. Slowly, his gaze follows suit.

“We’re glad you came,” Jenny says, wiping another tear from her eyes as her smile becomes firmer.

Max nods once and then hangs back. Ian clears his throat beside me, bringing my attention to the fact that it’s our turn to head down the aisle. I look back once more, catching a last glimpse of Max before we take a step forward and walk out to the kitchen and follow the path to the backyard.

As we make our way toward Adam, my sisters, and Kyle, my eyes scan the faces of the gathered crowd, sliding over smiles from those that I love, and others that I barely know until I see Fitz. His face is smiling, but I can tell by his tight stance and how his shoulders are squared that something’s bothering him. I slowly turn away from him and catch Wes, Landon, and Jameson sitting together in a pack near Sharon. Each of them is smiling at me without reservation. Then I catch sight of Jesse and Abby sitting beside Jack and Ethel Janes and feel my smile grow as she swats at Jesse and wipes her eyes with a tissue. Finally, I look to the front as we cross the last few feet and my eyes dance across three of my older sisters looking proud and happy to have me here causing a chill to run through me.

Ian releases my arm, and I look to Adam as I clutch my bouquet with both hands and catch the slight nod he directs my way as I move to stand beside Kendall.

The ceremony ends with Adam dipping Jenny with a kiss that fills the backyard with cheers and whistles that have all of my sisters and me smiling between laughs.

We’re herded to the far end of the yard for more pictures where we remain for over an hour as guests are directed inside while tables and chairs appear in a setting for the reception.

As we’re needed less and less in the shots the photographers choreograph, we’re drinking more. Flasks and glasses are passed around with toasts to every subject under the sun.

“He’s wearing Converse.” Kendall turns to look at me, her eyebrows raised in confusion.

“Max,” I whisper, watching her eyebrows rise even higher. “Am I being crazy and reading into things?”

Her head shakes as her hand grips my arm. “It has to be a sign. You always wear yours.” We stare at each other for a moment before a smile spreads across her face. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m being crazy! I’m thinking his shoes mean something.”

“It’s Max. Everything means something.”

“Or I’m projecting my own desires and it’s grossly skewing my outlook.”

Kendall’s eyes close and her head shakes. “Don’t talk yourself out of this. Maybe it is coincidental, but really, I think everyone here knows it’s not.”

“I don’t know what to do! I feel like if I try and explain how I feel, my words are all going to come out wrong.”

“So show him.” Kendall’s eyes dance with excitement. I stare at her for a few beats knowing that she’s insinuating I kiss Max, and how wrong that would be. I also realize this may be one of my last chances to tell him how I’m feeling and I refuse to miss this opportunity. I slowly nod in agreement, eliciting a squeal from her as her arms wrap around my neck. The others look over to us for a moment before they turn back to the photographer, and Kendall and I fall against each other with giggles bubbling through us.The doors finally open, and the guests stream out of the house, filling the backyard once again. I impatiently search the crowd, seeing less familiar faces intermingling with the occasional familiar one, until the last of the guests emerge.

“Where is he?” Kendall demands as Jameson and Wes join us.

Jameson nods at the same time a throat clears that has Kendall and I turning to find Landon behind us with Max a short distance away.

Butterflies take flight, their wings feeling longer with the addition of alcohol as I watch his strides cover the next few feet so he’s standing in front of us. I want to study his face and see if his features will be unguarded and reveal anything to me so I can best figure out how to tell him how I’m feeling. I’m building the nerve to do so when a hand rests on my arm, breaking my focus.

“Ace, Kendall, we need one more!” my mom looks as reluctant to say these words as I am to hear them, but we turn and follow her toward the rest of the wedding party that’s now surrounded by our extended family.

As soon as the photographer gives us the green light to go, the DJ announces it’s time for Jenny and Adam’s first dance. A sweet ballad streams through the speakers, and I stand frozen on the outskirts of the dance floor, taking in every detail of this moment. Adam leads my sister to the rented dance floor with an arm wrapped around her waist. His face is bowed to hers as she smiles at something he whispers for only her to hear. When he reaches the very center, he releases Jenny and keeps walking to the other edge of the space. I have to stand on my toes, and crane my neck to see what he’s doing, but can only see the back of his tuxedo until he turns and I see Lilly holding his hand.