But I don’t say anything because I am more of a coward than I’d like to admit. I’m too damn proud and too bloody afraid to mess this up any further, even though it feels like I already have.

“Nicola,” I say to her again, my voice hard, “please believe me when I say I’m not in love with anyone but I swear to you it will be you and soon. I just need time to come around and when I do, it’s going to be magic.”

“Magic,” she repeats.

“Please,” I say, “you can’t fault me for being honest with you. I always have been and I won’t stop now. I am honored beyond belief that you actually love me, me the perpetual fuck-up, and I’m going to hold onto your love like it’s gold.” I kiss her softly, sweetly, and to my utmost relief, she kisses me back. “I’m never letting go of you either. You’re stuck with me, sweetheart. Forever.”

She nods but I can still spot that heart-breaking rejection in her eyes. I’ve seen it before and on a much larger scale.

We walk back into the party and I don’t let go of her for a second, even when she tries to leave. I keep holding on because I feel I’m so close to losing her and I can’t let that happen.

I can’t.

I won’t.

But I also can’t help but wonder what’s going to happen, all in due time.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Nicola

“Nicola, can I see you for a moment in my office?” It’s Thursday night and though the expected crowd isn’t quite here yet, I’m still surprised that James is calling me away from the bar. I have to admit, I don’t like this one bit, and as I follow him into the back rooms where his office is, my hands are clammy. Last time I was called into a place like this, I was fired.

I wouldn’t be surprised if that happens. It’s been a weird week so far. First, I told Bram that I loved him and he didn’t respond in kind, which, although I appreciate his honesty, I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t absolutely ruin me. It’s all I’ve been able to think about, even though he’s being extra attentive with me now. And he was hella attentive before.

Also, his interview he did at the gala was featured on the news and now the whole world knows about his little project, well at least California since it was apparently turned into a story about the lack affordable housing in the entire state. The minute it went live, Steph called me up, then Linden called Bram and a few days later, his parents called, having heard about it from friends of theirs.

And just as Bram predicted, no one in his family is taking him seriously, at least that’s how Bram tells it. But I’d gone out for lunch with Steph and Kayla the other day and I can see their image of Bram has changed dramatically, and in the best way.

Of course, I had to tell them about my epic rejection and from the way they flinched, it’s like they felt it too. No one asks for unrequited love.

No one asks to be fired in the same week, either. I sit down across from James, my eyes flitting to the walls behind his desk where he used to have a Faith No More concert poster at The Warfield from 1995, but now he just has a motivational speaking type one. You know, with the schmaltzy sunsets. He’s going to start turning into Murray from Flight of the Conchords if he’s not careful.

“Just get it over with,” I say to James, putting my face in my hands. “Like a Band-Aid, right off!”

“What?” he asks. “No. Nicola. I’m not firing you.”

I peek at him through my fingers. “No?”

He shakes his head and gives me a placating smile. “No. I’m promoting you.”

“What?” Now I’ve really snapped to attention. “Why?” I’ve seriously done nothing but spill drinks this whole week.

“Because you’ve proven to be reliable,” he says, “more reliable than a lot of people here. I think I can trust you and you’re good at what you do.”

James has never been so nice to me before. You know, other than giving me the job to begin with.

“Seriously?” I ask, just to make sure this isn’t some joke.

“Totally serious.” He sighs and leans back in his chair. “We’re coming into the summer season soon. June is next week, and this place is just going to get busier, all while more of my people will be wanting days off. Aside from that Disneyland trip, you never ask for days off. And even then, it wasn’t you asking. It was your charity man.”

“So, I guess you saw the news too?”

He nods. “I have to admit, Linden’s brother is the last person I would have expected to have a heart of gold but apparently he does. But, I guess I don’t have to tell you that.”

I manage a small smile, even though it reminds me that I’m still living rent-free.

“And with a promotion, you’ll be able to pay your own way now,” he adds, as if he can read my mind. “That is, if you want it. I’m not going to lie, being an assistant manager isn’t a walk in the park.”

“Assistant manager?”

He nods. “It’s longer hours and more responsibility. You won’t just be serving drinks anymore. Though I think you’ll get the hang of it pretty quickly.”

I’m probably a terrible person for thinking this, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to take this job. I’d gotten used to spending my time with Ava during the days and when she’s down for a nap, I get to work on the sewing machine. Hell, I’m even wearing a top I sewed up the other day. It’s not perfect but I’m getting my groove back and – more importantly – my passion back. Having that in my life reminds me that there’s more to it all than just having a paycheck.

Now with working full-time, I’m not sure I’ll have that much time to myself anymore, let alone Ava. But I know the right and responsible thing to do would be to accept it without question.

Still, I find myself saying to James, “Do you mind if I have a day to think about it?”

He seems caught off-guard. “Okay, sure. Take the whole week. Just…well, it’s not my business…”

And whatever he was about to say, I can tell it’s not his business.

I prod him anyway. “What?”

James shrugs, his pretty boy face blasé. “I think you could have a lucrative career here. And I know things are all cruisey at the moment for you, but eventually…that could change.”

He’s basically hinting that I can’t have a free ride forever and I hate to admit that he’s right, because he has such an annoying way of offering up his opinion when it’s not needed, but he is right. I just don’t tell him that.

“Well, I better go pour alcohol down some people’s throats,” I tell him, getting out of my seat. “And thank you. Really. I’ll let you know tomorrow.”

The night doesn’t end up being as busy as we anticipated. Steph and Linden get there just before James says I can go home, but I’m too tired to stick around. There’s a lot on my mind.

I get home just after midnight to an empty apartment. Ava is spending the next two nights with my mother in Livermore because it was just easier that way. Part of me is surprised that Bram isn’t in my apartment waiting for me like he usually is, but it could be he wants me over there for a change.

With that in mind, I pour myself a glass of pinot gris, enjoying that first cold mouthful. Nothing could be sweeter. Then, once I remember to breathe a little, something I think I’m doing a bit less of lately, I go into the bedroom and change. I throw my homemade top and skinny jeans to the side and slip on a lacy red camisole with matching short shorts. Since I’m only going over there to screw, why dress up?

I go back into the kitchen and while I’m finishing up my glass of wine, I hear the strangest sound coming from Bram’s apartment.

Yelling.

Then crying.

Two voices, one that must be Bram’s but the other is female.

My blood runs still and my heart kicks down a few gears.