“I tried,” he says again, his brogue thickening the more upset he gets. “But it was too little, too late. And I don’t blame Taylor at all. All I could do was send the payments and sent the presents and hope that I could somehow make her life just a little bit easier.”

I’ve got this bad, sick tickle at the back of my throat. My brain wants me to think of something horrid and I’m shoving it aside for now as Bram is talking, pleading.

He goes on, running his hand through his hair. “About three months before I came out here, Taylor and Matthew moved. They’d lived in Jersey and suddenly everything was getting returned to sender. It made my move out here a little easier, I guess. But I never stopped putting money away, hoping that one day she’d contact me again and I could go on trying to make things right. That day happened today. She’s been living in San Bernardino with her aunt and she saw me on the news.”

“So she just wants her money.”

“I don’t know what she wants, to be honest. But I can’t lie and say I’m not glad she’s here. Being around you and Ava has made me realize how much more there is in me to give.”

That sick feeling is back. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, helping you…” he trails off.

I can feel my chin tremble. “Wait. Hold on.” I take in a shaky breath. “Is that why you wanted me and Ava around? Is that why you took such an interest in me, in her, helping us every way you could? To appease your fucking guilt?”

He looks like I’ve just slapped him across the face. “No, it’s not like that.”

“It is,” I say, feeling absolutely humiliated. “I was just a charity case. We both were. You never cared, you just wanted to get rid of your sins, you just wanted to feel better about yourself. No wonder you never loved me! It was never about that!”

It’s all coming together in one shattering moment.

I feel like my heart has been condemned.

“No!” he cries out, grabbing my arm and pulling me to him. His eyes are panicked, wild. “That’s not it all, it’s not. It’s not! Nicola. I…I…you…”

“See, you can’t even say it!” I yell at him, getting in his face. “That’s because you don’t feel it and you never will. You only want to love me because you think it would make it all so much easier.”

“No, please, you are the world to me. You are my whole world,” he pleads.

I rip out of his hold. “Well, apparently your whole world has way more people in it than I anticipated.”

“Don’t do this,” he says. “Don’t walk away from me, from us. We’re so good together, so fucking good.”

I fire back at him. “It was all a damn lie! There was nothing real or good about it!” I start heading back into the bar.

“Please!” he yells louder. “There was never a lie, there was only the truth. What we have is the truth. I can’t do this without you.” His face seems to shatter before my eyes. “I thought maybe you could understand,” he adds that in a small voice.

I pause at the door, feeling bitterness snake up my throat. “The only thing I understand is what it’s like to be in her shoes and what it’s like to be charity. And that’s enough understanding for me.” I open the door and pause, realizing I’m about to do the hardest, most painful thing.

But the right thing.

“I’m sorry, Bram.” Hot tears prick at my eyes and I try to steady my voice. “This is going to break Ava’s heart. But we’re moving out tomorrow. So we won’t be your charity anymore.”

I step inside the bar and lock the door without looking back.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Nicola

Ava won’t stop crying.

I should have lied. I should have told her we were just going away for a short time. I should have told her we would see Bram again.

But I couldn’t. The lie would hurt me to say, to even thinking about, and over time it would ruin her.

It was best for us both to be ruined up front.

After I returned home from the Lion, my heart was a bleeding mess in my hands - condemned, unsafe, unstable. The sight of my own apartment – of Bram’s charity – was enough to make me sick, so I immediately began packing.

I packed all through the night, with music blaring. I never answered the calls or the knocks at my door. If Bram was yelling at me, I didn’t hear it. If he was reunited with the woman and his son – his son – I didn’t know it. I went on like a demon, until dawn broke the cityscape and my entire apartment was packed in every spare box, suitcase and garbage bag I had.

There were a lot of garbage bags.

What I really wanted to do was find a place to move into while Ava was gone. I was delusional. I don’t know why I thought that would happen, why I had the idea that maybe my mother could drop her off in a whole new life. She would never have to see our old place again.

But I had everything packed, no place to go and no car to get me there even if I did.

I called my mom. I explained what happened.

I did it without crying. I thought I was so brave.

My mother came over and the minute I saw Ava’s face, I realized I wasn’t brave at all.

I was a mess.

She looked around the apartment in confusion. She didn’t understand and no matter how I tried to explain it, there was no right answer to what was happening.

I didn’t want to blame it all on Bram. I didn’t want her to hate him even though I was starting to believe that I did.

Ava doesn’t hate. She doesn’t have it in her. She just gets broken, like a porcelain doll.

To make matters worse, all the emotions she was feeling, the rejection, the discomfort and the pain of losing the things she loved, made her feel dizzy.

Sick.

She threw up and her blood levels were all over the place.

I’d never felt so alone, even with my mother there, trying to get the proper food into her, water, insulin, balance. I knew Bram was next door. I could hear him, but I would never ask for his help again.

Luckily, just as we were about to take her to the hospital, she pulled out of it.

Then the tears came.

They haven’t stopped.

I’m at my mother’s house, sitting on her sofa with my legs curled up under me, sipping tea. It’s picture perfect but I’m a raging torrent inside.

Ava is beside me sniffling, wiping her nose on her arm, on me.

I can only hold her. I can only tell her it will be all right, even if I don’t believe it. It feels so futile, so useless, yet I keep saying it anyway.

Kayla has offered her apartment to the both of us. So has my mother. But I still have a job – and a promotion – so I’m going to stay with Kayla in the city. Ava and I will be squished into Kayla’s den, but it’s just temporary and I think Kayla needs some help with her rising rent costs herself. Linden and Steph offered their place too, but I can’t look at Linden right now. He reminds me too much of his brother. He has offered to move my furniture out of the apartment and put it right into storage until we find a place of our own and get started. That generous act, well, that reminds me of his brother also.

Ava shifts in my arms and looks up at me with big wet eyes and there’s so much hope in them that it makes me want to cry. Because I pray that the hope isn’t misleading.

She lost Bram who had become her father figure whether I wanted it that way or not.

I lost my heart.

I loved Bram.

I loved him.

His smile, his jokes, his generosity. His lips, his eyes, his jaw. His attitude, his good nature, his humor. His ease, his height, his body. His ambition. His adoration. His devotion.

He looked at me like I was magic.

I started to believe it.

We were magic together.

And I still loved him.

After everything, how can I not?