I felt too exhausted for aiming colored lacquer at my nails, and when she disappeared, I dropped my head to the arm of the sofa. The images from Gavin’s phone wouldn’t leave me. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the glowing round boobs of Lolly, the sprawled body of Candy. No wonder Gavin could send me spiraling so fast. He’d been learning from the best.

I wanted a doctor. VD tests. An antiseptic. Definitely a scalding shower.

I could hear Jenny opening and closing drawers. The need for blackness overwhelmed me. I wanted comfort, an escape from my own head. I knew I shouldn’t do it, as Jenny could come back any minute, but still, I held my breath, relaxing into the cushions, exhaling slowly to avoid my lungs forcing me to breathe. If I did it right, I’d be out, then asleep, and life would be so much more manageable.

Even with my eyes closed, the colored spots danced in front of me. My chest fought with me for a moment, then I started to go, slipping into oblivion.

It seemed only minutes passed before sounds woke me up, but the Hello Kitty clock on the wall read five o’clock. Something clanged in the kitchen, followed by Jenny’s “Dang it!”

Sequins imprinted my face. I’d fallen onto a sparkly pillow. I rubbed my fingers along the indentations on my cheek. My hair stuck up every direction, tangled into a mat.

Jenny’s head poked around the wall that divided the room. “Sleepyhead! I’m trying to make food. Somewhat successfully.”

I stood up but my legs wobbled, so I sat back down again. We’d spent too much time on that rock last night, and done too many things. The back of my shoulder blades were chafed. Well, that was over.

Something inside me wanted to escape, a wail, like a ghost’s lament. I should talk to Gavin, get it all out. But I just couldn’t. Even if all that was past, I couldn’t made peace with it, not now at least. Maybe eventually. I tried placing the image of Gavin with those paid women next to the one of him in high school, so sweet and clean-cut. It wouldn’t go. I felt like I had been with his evil twin, or a black-sheep brother.

Jenny sat next to me. “You ready to talk about it yet?”

She seemed so much like a doll, what had Gavin called her? Rainbow Brite. Her hair was extra pink, like she’d just recolored it, falling into a perfect set of bangs across her brow and straight down to her shoulders. Her eyebrows were always an exclamation, thin and rounded, as though she was permanently surprised.

“I’ll take that as a no,” she said, since I hadn’t moved or spoken. “Come over here and eat something.” She took my arm and led me over to a tiny table with two chairs. “I made some eggs and toast.”

The surface was painted with bright flowers. I traced the outlines of roses and tulips. When my fingers came across a butterfly, the wail filled me again, but I kept it inside, closing off any way for it to escape.

Jenny set a lime-green plate in front of me, prettily arranged with fluffy eggs and two triangles of toast. She placed the fork in my hand, closing my fingers around the silver handle. “I will feed you if you don’t eat it yourself.”

I slid the tines into a puff of egg and lifted it to my mouth. I swallowed and my stomach rebelled, flooding me with nausea. Jenny still watched me, so I picked up the toast and bit off a corner. At last she seemed satisfied and sat across the table.

“So I’m guessing this has to do with muscle man. Let me guess. He’s sticking more than one blowhole.”

I almost choked on the bread.

Jenny hopped up and fetched the orange juice she’d forgotten on the counter. “Here, drink.” She handed me the cup. “Man-meat like your ex always have girls on the side.”

If she only knew. I wished I had a delete button for my memory so that I could erase those images. Candy. Lolly. Couldn’t they have something more original? Maybe those were Gavin’s nicknames.

My stomach heaved, and I knew if I swallowed one more bite, it would come right back up.

“Okay,” Jenny said. “I can see we’re at DEFCON Five. When I see that boy in class tomorrow, I’m going to kick his muscled ass. AFTER I’ve filled his motorcycle with Karo syrup.”

“Don’t,” I choked out. “Don’t talk to him.”

“She speaks.” Jenny leaned forward on the table. “She speaks only to defend the asshole who got her so upset in the first place.”

I stuck a fork in another bite of egg and shoved it in my mouth so I wouldn’t have to answer. It didn’t want to go down, but I forced it. I had to get a grip.

Jenny pushed up from the chair and paced in little circles. “Why aren’t there any nice guys? Sweet normal guys who open doors and buy you dinner and don’t have a room full of drugs or bonus women on nights and weekends?”

“I don’t think he was seeing someone else,” I said. I was settling back into something more akin to numb than grief, a comfortable place, nice and familiar.

She sat down again. “So what happened? Is he stalking your apartment?”

“I don’t know. After I left his place, I knew he’d follow me home.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t get your message sooner.”

“It’s okay. I just hung out at Jerry’s Coffee Bar. It’s 24 hours.” Talking helped my stomach settle.

“You going to tell me what he did?”

“He didn’t do anything to me. I just found out some things.”

Jenny propped her chin on her hand. “I’m listening.”

“I just have to decide if I can live with it. I don’t want him around while I decide.”

She popped up out of her chair. “Fair enough. Let’s color those nails.”

When she disappeared into another room, I carried the plate into the kitchen. I was stuck getting a manicure, but this would be an opportunity to ask Jenny a favor. I needed her to take notes for me in astronomy until I was up for seeing Gavin again. For the first time in my entire life, I was going to skip class. 

I knew exactly how Corabelle felt four years ago after the funeral. Lost. Confused. More worried than mad, although I could see how anger might figure into it.

She hadn’t answered any text messages or phone calls. She hadn’t been at home. She didn’t work Sundays, I knew, but I went to Cool Beans anyway. Some guy with dreadlocks was super interested in why I asked for her, but I didn’t tell him anything.

I spent most of Sunday in a funk. I figured when I saw the image of Candy on my phone that this was what got to her. I should have done something to block all those girls. But even after wrangling with the cell service for an hour, I couldn’t figure out how to do anything but mute the calls. I wanted to change my number, but Corabelle had it too. I couldn’t do anything about that now.

I should have lived my life differently. I should have accounted for the possibility of a second chance. All my mistakes lined up in front of me and no matter how I pummeled them, they didn’t fall.

Monday morning I put on the khakis and shirt Corabelle liked and rode over to campus, nervous as hell. She might not speak to me. She might punch me. I would take anything she dished out. I deserved it. But I had to make her see that those women were the past. Once I got her back, I had nothing to do with them, and I wouldn’t. I didn’t even want them. I hadn’t even thought of them. The pictures embarrassed me now.

I paused in our stairwell and gripped the rail. You didn’t find someone you loved and lost a long time ago just to lose them again. I refused to believe it. I wouldn’t let that happen.

The stairs blurred beneath my feet as I hurried to class. I searched for Corabelle, but her seat was empty. So was her friend Jenny’s on the other end.

I plunked down to wait, suddenly wondering if Corabelle would show at all.

The room filled up and the professor took his spot at the podium. At the last moment, Jenny dashed in and sat down. The TA Robert tried not to look at her, but I could see his hidden smile. If I couldn’t get anything from her, and I was betting I wouldn’t, he might be my way in.