“Do you have her number?”

Damn. “She’s already got a really awesome secondary part in a—”

“It’s not about a part,” Hailey interrupts. When I don’t say anything, she continues. “I’ve seen her around and . . . do you know if she’s single?”

No way!

“Um, yeah. I think so.”

“I’d like to call her, so . . .”

“Oh.” So, wow. “I feel a little weird about giving her number out. Can I pass yours along and have her call you?” Normally I wouldn’t be nearly this nice, but if she’s going to be my new in, I want to keep her happy.

“Yeah, thanks,” she says, and I think she sounds a little relieved. “That would be great. This is my private cell number.”

“Okay. I’ll let her know.” Could this get any weirder?

“And sorry about the part.”

I start to say, “I’m used to it,” but decide that it would be kind of stupid to admit how many times I’ve been rejected to the one person who might be able to help me. “Thanks.”

I lower the phone and hang my head. I was so sure. I felt like my whole life was starting to fall in place. But this is like a cold splash of reality, right to the face. A hole opens up in my chest as I start to see that it was all just wishful thinking. Everything I thought was going so well is an illusion.

My heart’s still pounding as I bundle myself up and push out into the cold. Instead of the subway, to burn off some steam, I opt to walk home through the park. It’s just starting to snow—tiny flakes that stick on my jacket and in my eyelashes, but melt on the sidewalk. I’m not a big fan of winter, but it’s quiet and cold and, as the lights flicker to life along the footpaths, my heart rate starts to slow.

I take the right when the left would get me home faster and keep walking as the snowflakes get fatter and start to stick to the path. I take the next left onto the Mall without even thinking, and before I realize it, I’m at Bethesda Fountain, the tiled terrace stretching past the fountain toward the lake.

In my minds eye, it’s spring. Paddleboats drift lazily on the water, the thick drone of dragonflies and bees hangs in the humid air, and in the middle of the lower terrace, just in front of the fountain, there’s a mime doing a hideous “trapped in a box.”

A sixteen-year-old Alessandro is sitting on the cement bench to the left of the fountain with his sketch pad.

“Whatcha drawing?” I ask him, nudging my shoulder into his, thinking it’s going to be the mime.

He turns the pad, and I see the sketch is me. My head is resting on the back of the bench and my eyes are closed. I’m tipping my face up to the sun. And I’m smiling.

“Stop it!” I laugh, grabbing his sketch pad and bolting off the bench. Alessandro grins and chases me. I dart around the fountain, and when I glance over my shoulder, I realize Alessandro went around the other way. I cut back the way I came, looking over my shoulder for him, and see him coming fast. But, just as Alessandro catches up to me, I slam into the mime.

Alessandro catches me in his arms as the mime drops a string of every curse word he can think of on me. But the next second, we’re surrounded by butterflies.

I reach up to catch one and a fat, wet snowflake splats on my forehead, wrenching me out of the memory.

And the next second I’m sobbing.

I stand here in the middle of the lower terrace with my face in my hands as tears heave out of my soul in a stream that I can’t stop. I’ve been grieving the girl I was with Alessandro for eight years. It’s the only time in my life I was ever truly happy. I know, even if Alessandro had stayed, things would have changed. But as I look at what I’ve become, I realize every bit of hope, and trust, and love I felt that day died a long time ago, leaving only the tough, gritty bits behind.

But now Alessandro’s here, and I feel the dead parts of me coming back to life. Being with him again might gain me back my soul, but at what cost?

Too much has happened. There are too many secrets. I have so much to gain, but more to lose.

I have everything to lose.

I CALL JESS on the way to Alessandro’s the next morning. “Hey, sweetie,” I say when she picks up. “You’ve got an admirer.”

“If it’s that guy you were dancing with at Sixty-nine, I might be interested,” she sings.

“You’re gay, Jess.”

“Yeah, well . . . so who?”

“Remember Hailey, from my audition?”

“Oh, my God! Did you get the part?”

“Um . . . no.”

There’s a long silence. “You’re joking, right?”

“Tragically, no. Bambi got it.”

“Bambi!”

I have to pull the phone away from my ear at her screech. “That’s what Hailey said . . . which is really why I called.”

There’s a pause, then a confused, “What?”

“You know the girl I read with at that audition?”

“Oh, yeah. The cute blonde. What about her?”

“I think she’s crushing on you, Jess. She wanted your number.”

“Seriously?” The curious lilt to her voice tells me she’s not disgusted by the idea, which is good.

“Yeah. So if you’re okay with calling her, I’ll text you her number.”

“Yeah. Sure. Why not?”

“And she’s setting me up with an agent, Jess, so try not to break her heart right away, ’kay?” She laughs and I can’t help but smile. “Texting you now. Tell me how it goes.”

“Great. Oh! If you hear of anyone who needs a roommate, mine’s moving out on the first.”

“I’ll keep my ears open, sweetie,” I tell her. “Talk soon.”

When I get to Alessandro’s apartment at 11:15, I ring the bell, and when he buzzes the door to let me in, I tell him to meet me downstairs.

I’m in warm-ups and a T-shirt under my jacket, and when the elevator door opens, and Alessandro steps out, I see he’s in the same.

“You didn’t want to come up for tea first?” he asks.

“No. Thanks.” I know I should just tell him now, but he’s planned something and I know how excited he gets about it. I’d feel worse than I already do if I ruined it for him.

He nods. “We only have a few minutes before we should go anyway. Can’t hurt to be a little early.”

I keep my distance as we walk to the subway, staying far enough away that he doesn’t try to put his arm around me.

“How has your week been?” he asks, and I can tell by the caution in his voice that he knows something’s up.

“Fine.”

I feel the weight of his gaze grow heavier. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Everything’s fine.”

“Fine,” he repeats slowly, as if turning the word over in his mind and examining it from all angles.

“Fine,” I say, and try to sound light.

We turn the corner and start down the subway stairs.

“Is it something I’ve done?”

I shoot him an annoyed glance. “No, Alessandro. It’s nothing you’ve done.”

“Then it is something.” It’s not a question.

I spin on him where we stand at the bottom of the stairs. “Why do you want to do this now?”

He gazes into my eyes for a long heartbeat before answering. “Because the fact there’s something to ‘do’ means you’re upset. If you’re upset, I want to know why. Especially if it’s me who’s upset you.”

I take a deep breath and try to remember that I’m the problem here, not Alessandro. “I can’t do this.”

“Do what?”

I wave a hand in a circle between us. “Whatever we’re doing. I can’t spend time with you anymore.”

His lips press into a line and he nods. “I know.”

That is so not the answer I was expecting. “What do you mean, you know?”

He stuffs his hands in his pockets and twitches a grimace. “I’ve always known you and I spending time together was a bad idea. I just . . .” The misery in those amazing charcoal eyes as he trails off is almost enough to make me change my mind. “I’m so glad you’ve let me know you for these past few months. It’s helped me more than you can ever know to see how well you’re doing. You’re an incredibly strong woman—beautiful and intelligent . . . you’re everything I hoped I’d find when I came looking for you.” He lowers his gaze. “But you’re right. You shouldn’t . . .” He shakes his head. “You’re right.”