After several moments of silence, he shakes his head and turns his body to walk off the mats. “That’s what I thought,” he mumbles.

A roar builds in my stomach, up into my chest, and rips out of my throat as I rush toward him. Hearing my bellow, he spins around and readies himself for the blow. We smash together, stumbling around the mat, each of us working to get the other in a headlock.

Our bodies slam to the ground, pain shoots through my shoulder from the landing. I let out a pained grunt, but I continue my battle.

“Get off me, you asshole!” Brooks grumbles as we roll around on the ground.

“Asshole? You don’t see me sticking my nose in other people’s lives and relationships. That dick move is all you, brother.” I’m able to wiggle on top of him and wrap my arm around his neck.

“What in the hell are you talking about?” he chokes out.

“Campbell, you prick,” I say as I squeeze as hard as I can. I know if I hold him like this for too long, he’ll pass out, so when I feel him tap my elbow, I loosen my grip and let him roll flat onto the mat.

He’s breathing hard to catch his breath; I can see his chest heave up and down with each inhale and exhale. I rest flat on my back and just stare at the water-stained ceiling tiles above us. My muscles feel strained, but the adrenaline rushing through my system is keeping any discomfort at bay.

“Damn it, Brooks, I like her. She makes me want to treat her properly. She makes me want what you have,” I sigh.

Neither one of us looks at each other; we just lie still, letting my words sink in.

“You don’t deserve her,” he finally says.

“I fucking know that, Brooks,” I resign. “But I want to.”

“And what happens when you fuck it up? I refuse to cut either one of you out of my life.”

I jump up, and Brooks slowly follows until we are both standing, squaring off once more. “Look, I get that you think of her as a little sister, man. I really do. You want to protect her because there isn’t anyone else in her life to do it, but she’s a grown woman. Don’t you think she should be able to make her own decision about me? Why ruin it before anything has even started?”

He looks me up and down, analyzing my body language. I feel like I’m bacterial goop under a microscope and with one word he’ll eradicate me. He exhales heavily and throws his hands in the air. “Fine. But if you hurt her, I’ll never forgive you.”

“Brooks, I don’t even know if she’ll want me. All I’m asking for is the opportunity to find out.”

He extends his hand for me to shake. “Then go find out,” he says as I reach for his hand.

I smile and he wraps his sweaty arm around my neck and tussles my hair the way he used to when we were kids. “You’re an asshole, don’t forget that,” I tell him.

“Noted.” He pushes me forward. “Now get the hell out of here.”

I step off the mat and head toward the locker room to shower, but then I turn back to Brooks, who is on his way out the front door. “Hey, Brooks, we’re good, right?” I holler across the gym.

He opens the glass door and stands in the entrance. He finally smiles and nods his head. “Yeah, we’re good,” he says before walking through the exit to his car. As soon as the door closes, I rush to the shower and wash the proof of my temper tantrum off my body. Knowing I have Brooks’ approval, I can’t get to Campbell fast enough.

I grab Italian takeout and a box of birthday cupcakes before rushing to Campbell’s apartment. As I pull up out front, I notice there are no lights on in her apartment. It’s not too terribly late. I would be surprised if she was asleep already, but I don’t want to wait for another time. I need to see her now.

I race up the stairs as quickly as possible with all of the food I’m carrying. My excitement prevents me from knocking lightly; instead, I’m pounding on her front door, willing her to open it and put me out of my misery. I alternate knocking with yelling her name and asking her to open the door with no avail.

“Dude, she’s obviously not home. Maybe try calling first,” the man across the hall says as he opens his door in his pajamas. “We, however, are home and would appreciate it if you took the racket someplace else.”

“Sorry, sir. I just wanted to make sure that if she was asleep I knocked loud enough to wake her,” I explain.

“Well, I think you knocked and yelled loud enough to wake the entire floor. I’m going to go out on limb and say she just isn’t home.”

I reach into my grocery bag to offer a cupcake as an apology, but before I can say anything, he slams the door, leaving me once again alone in the hallway. Feeling deflated and rejected, I get a better grip on my bags and begin my pathetic, lonely march back to my apartment. I’m no longer in a rush; my evening feels anti-climactic and a letdown.

Before walking into my building, I throw away the takeout food in the trash bin on the street. I’m no longer hungry, and besides, I’m sure it’s cold and stale. I keep the cupcakes though; I figure I can track Campbell down and give them to her tomorrow.

I take a deep, tired breath and push the button to take me to my loft. Closing my eyes, I run my fingers through my ragged hair and attempt to swallow my disappointment. What a shitty night.

The ding of the elevator chimes and the doors slide open prompting me to take a step toward my ride up. I slowly open my eyes and move to gain entry in to the elevator, but my body pauses and I drop the cupcakes onto the floor of the building foyer. I’m shocked at what I see and it freezes me in place.

Campbell

My mind is all over the place as I drive home. The only thing I want to do is get home and find a record to lose myself in. It’s the only thing that will help me erase these feelings. I don’t do loss, and Lakin will be a difficult one to get over.

I’ve searched every vinyl album I have and nothing seems to dull the twinge. My thoughts keeping drifting back to him, and what I’ve done. No solution presents itself and I can’t wrap my head around how to make this better.

I’m a fixer. I fix problems for people and avoid personal attachments where I could be the collateral damage. It’s a skill I mastered in the system and yet, somehow, I’ve found myself in the middle of a fire storm that could completely incinerate my heart. Lakin is a flame so tempting, I welcomed the burn. I wanted his permanent mark scarred across my soul, but my fear of what I might have to sacrifice held me back.

I turn off the stereo and lie down in bed. Pulling the blankets over my head, I hope the darkness and sleep will drown out the noise in my head.

It doesn’t help.

I just toss and turn, my thoughts of Lakin, Brooks, and the girls pull me in a million different directions. Growing more and more frustrated, I finally rip the tangled sheets from my body and let the cool evening breeze chill my skin. Seeking some kind of relief, I grip my necklace, my fingertips tracing the metal petals of the flower. I attempt to think of what Sharon might have counseled me to do.

I think about her poem and the words she left me with. I go over in my mind what she wanted for me and the regrets she had. I flip on the bedside light and open my nightstand drawer where her book is safely tucked away. Opening it to the page with her poem for me, I slowly read the words. I repeat the final words for the poem aloud, letting the meaning wash over me.

SHE LIVED UNKNOWN, AND FEW COULD KNOW

WHEN LUCY CEASED TO BE;

BUT SHE IS IN HER GRAVE, AND OH,

THE DIFFERENCE TO ME!

Sharon’s message is loud and clear.

My big ball of fear will only lead to regret. I was her Lucy…I can’t allow Lakin to be mine. I quickly jump out of bed and throw on my jeans and Chucks. I don’t worry about the knotted bun on top of my head or my lack of make-up; I just grab my car keys and rush to the one place I should have never left…Lakin’s arms.