Smoke.

My eyes fly open as I move to all fours, forcing myself off the bed. It’s too much movement too soon after the flare-up of my injury, but fight or flight has kicked in and there won’t be much time. The room is heavy with the first billows of smoke coming from somewhere else in the barn. It’s so hard to breathe.

The barn is on fire.

I hold the sleeve of his shirt against my mouth, sucking in lungsful of air as safely and as frequently as I can muster. The long-sleeve flannel no longer smells like him, or maybe it does, but all I can smell now is fear. Fear and smoke.

Pressing the back of my other hand against the door, I sigh when it doesn’t feel hot. There’s no fire in the loft stairwell. I slide my feet into the work boots next to the door, forgoing the time to put pants on over my underwear.

The aches in my body protest wildly as I descend the stairs two at a time, gripping the hot steel railing as if it were a direct lifeline to my safety—perhaps it is.

Beneath the second floor, the barn is a maze of horror. Smoke has nearly engulfed the entire main floor, and the sound of horses’ cries threatens to buckle my knees. After stumbling to the barn doors, I pull them open one at a time. It occurs to me that fire needs oxygen to spread, so this could increase the burn, but I won’t have time to take the horses out one at a time. They’ll have to run, and they’ll need the space.

Looking up at Daddy’s house on the hill, I briefly consider calling for help, but the effort would be futile. They’d never hear me. The thunder is rolling in and I’m already short of breath.

Using the wall as a guide, I pad towards the stalls closest to me. Flames are licking the rafters above the aisle, and adrenaline floods my system at the sight.

Street is the first horse I reach. After sliding the latch on his stall, I swing the door open and scream at him with everything I have. “Run! Git! Go!” I choke on the air, banging on the wall simultaneously. The sound coupled with the burning fire scares him and he bolts from his stall.

I repeat the process with the other horses. Each time I move faster, the pain in my back increases steadily. In less than two minutes, I clear the right side and then move to the left. I hunch lower to the ground, where the air is still a little thinner, and hug the stalls tight. It makes it easier for me to find the latches, but also, the horses are panicking and they’d barely notice if they trampled me in their haste to save themselves.

I’m faster this time. There are less horses on this side of the barn, and the more wood the flames devour as they grow in size, the quicker the horses take off on their own without much encouragement from me.

Reaching Chil’s stall, the last one, I breathe in relief when I realize he’s right next to the second set of barn doors flanking the left side of the building. After unlatching his stall, I yank it open and stumble towards the doors.

Pull.

Nothing.

Pull.

Nothing.

The chains are rattling, but the door won’t budge. It’s locked.

But we never lock it.

Panic creeps up my throat as I lean against the wall for support to move again. When I pass the open stall, my eyes barely register what they see. Chil is standing in the middle of his stall, but he’s not making any attempts to leave.

“Run!” My muffled scream loses itself in the smoke. I muster everything I have into repeatedly kicking the wood door.

His large grey frame barely recognizes the sound of my voice, his ears pulled backwards.

“Achilles, please!” I beg him, tears streaming down my face.

He lowers his head, one of his front legs starting to bend.

“No!” I shout, stepping into the stall. “You can’t lie down. We have to go!”

Large eyelids flutter open and closed, and there’s a wheeze in his chest as he continues to sink onto his front knees.

“Please!” I yell, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling upward.

Nothing.

He won’t move.

“I can’t leave you,” I sob, putting my entire body weight into lifting his. “Get up! Achilles, please! Get up!”

His back legs start to buckle, and my heart breaks when I have to let go of him. His body falls to the side, nothing but his chest rising and falling.

My legs finally give out, and I sink slowly into the sawdust, my bare knees not even slightly protesting at the ground. “Achilles,” I sob, crawling towards him.

The sawdust around his nose flutters, his shallow breaths barely audible in the chaos.

Flattening my palm across his neck, I pet him slowly. “I really need you to get up, buddy, okay?” I bargain with him. The wetness from my eyes stains his beautiful coat.

My other hand rubs down his forehead, his eyes closing from the touch.

“I love you, Chil.” I lean down, whispering into his ear. “I can’t go without you. Please.” I don’t even know who I’m begging now—if it’s him or God.

His breathing seems to be getting worse, and his body is so hot—too hot. After crawling towards the wall, I use it to help myself stand. After unlatching the water bucket hanging on the far side, I bite my lip as I use what strength is left in my body to carry it to him.

Kneeling down behind him, I rest the bucket on the floor. Then I scoop the water and pour it over his neck. “Does that feel good, buddy?” My voice is choppy, and my nose is running from crying heavily.

I keep pouring the water over his chest, on his neck, and down the length of his back. As I dip one hand in the water and rub the coolness over his muzzle, I lay my head down on his neck, my tears pouring freely into his mane.

“I can’t lose you.”

He lifts his head, and my heart pounds in anticipation. But just as quickly, he lets it fall back down to the floor. I don’t think my heart can take a break like this.

Sitting up, I pull on his neck with all of my might. “Get up, damnit!” I scream at his closed eyes. “I will never forgive you for this, Achilles! Please!”

The only indication that he’s heard me is the small twitch in his ears.

“Somebody help us!” My strangled pleas ricochet off the walls.

I’m not sure how much time has passed since I came downstairs, but the smoke is getting heavier and my lungs burn. Fire’s breathing down the doorstep of the stall, and I know I can’t leave now, even if I wanted to. The aisleway is completely engulfed in flames. I’d never make it, even if I could bring myself to leave him.

I curl up next to his body, one hand never ceasing the stroking over his neck and sweet face. “Just you and me, Chil. Forget the rest,” I say, repeating the last thing I said to him before we entered the ring in Greece, and hold him tight.

My eyes start to flutter, and I think of him, of Branson, my love. If I die today, I’ll die knowing what it feels like to love and be loved, and that makes all the difference. I was blessed.

“London!”

Bang. Bang. Bang.

“London!”

Willing my eyes open, I cough until I’m certain my lungs will spill out of my mouth.

“Yes?” I croak, looking around wildly but coming up short.

“London!”

Daddy? “I’m here,” I try to yell, but it barely comes out a whisper. After scooping my hand into the last bit of the water, I swallow it, clearing my throat. “I’m here!”

“Are you okay? The doors are chained shut. We can’t get in.” His voice is strained.

Once again, the tears come easily. “I’m fine,” I call through the barn siding. “Daddy, Chil won’t get up. Something’s wrong with him.”

The sounds of multiple raised voices are muffled, but Daddy’s is clear. “We’re going to try to cut through the wall, honey. Is there something you can use to cover yourself up?”