Time stopped, right along with my heart.
Pregnant.
A baby.
My mind raced with every possible explanation, but stringing together a coherent thought was as challenging as trying to open my mouth to speak.
“Is that what made her so ill?” Asked my mother. I looked at her, expecting her to be mad, or at least disappointed, but her face was soft, and filled with worry. How could she be so fucking calm? I’d just found out I was pregnant, and was on the verge of freaking the fuck out.
“No,” replied Dr. Burke. “But because Jade had no idea she was pregnant, she could have easily ingested something that most pregnant woman are advised not to eat.”
I thought back to the night before, and what I’d eaten, but it was a blur of meaningless moments. I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that I had a baby growing inside me.
Reid’s baby.
I felt a sense of panic start to creep in, and I grabbed my mothers’ hand on the armrest between us. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t break down.
She squeezed my hand in reassurance, and I somehow knew I wasn’t about to go through this alone.
“Can we find out how far along I am?” I croaked, grateful to have found my voice.
Dr. Burke smiled softly. “We can do an ultrasound, and find out. You should also be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat.”
She rose from her desk, and my mother and I followed.
“I’ll have one of our ultrasound technicians meet you in here,” – she opened a door to a room kitted out with an ultrasound machine, and a bed – “and she’ll help you get situated. I’ll be with right with you.”
I stepped inside, and turned to face my mother, my hands clasped tightly. I had no idea what to say to her just then. Did I apologize for being pregnant or being pregnant at the tender of twenty?
Both would insinuate I was sorry, but then I’d have to be sorry about what happened with Reid, and I wasn’t. Not for one second. I was, however, sorry that things had ended up this way, and that I was here experiencing this life-changing moment without him.
I wanted so much to talk to my mother about everything, but thought better of it when a curvy African-American nurse walked in.
“Jade Matthews?”
I nodded, swallowing the bundled nerves in my throat, and she smiled kindly. “You can lie down on the bed,” – she led me over to where I had to lie down – “and just lift your shirt over your stomach. I will be doing your ultrasound today, but Dr. Burke will be with us shortly to observe.”
Wordlessly, I climbed onto the narrow bed, and lifted up my shirt. My mother stood at my side, and took my shaking hand in hers.
“I’m here, darling,” she said in Spanish. It was strange having her there, only because her and my father spent very little time at home. My mother was an interior designer, and her company designed hotels and large apartment blocks all across the globe. My father, Erik, was a retired pilot, but had started his own charter company when I was twelve years old. When celebrities, congressmen, and even world famous musicians needed to charter planes, or jets, my father’s company was the one they sought out. I rarely saw them for long periods of time, so the fact that my mother had put her busy schedule aside to make sure I was okay meant a lot.
“This is going to be a little cold,” said the nurse. She applied some cool gel onto my abdomen, and I sucked in a breath because, fuck, it really was cold. Just then the door opened, and Dr. Burke walked in.
“Have you started yet, Sirenda?” She asked, looking at the nurse.
“You’re just in time,” she replied, looking up at the ultrasound machine. She pressed the wand down onto my stomach, spreading the gel around, and started clicking away. A loud swooshing sound filled the room, and after a few minutes I heard it.
The steady thump-thump thump-thump of my baby’s heartbeat.
No sound had ever been more life altering, or more terrifying. I couldn’t describe how it felt, knowing there was a new life inside me. It was actually...breathtaking.
“Wow, that’s a strong heartbeat,” said Dr. Burke. “160bpm, very good.”
“You’re about sixteen weeks,” said the nurse, clicking a few buttons while moving the wand around. “Baby weighs just over three ounces, and measures in at,” – click click – “four and a half inches. Perfect.”
My mother let out a slight whimper, and when I looked at her I saw she’d shed a few tears.
“Mama.” I tightened my grip on her hand, feeling the urge to cry myself.
“Your due date is round about August 18th, Miss Matthews. That means conception took place...” Click. Click.
“Thanksgiving,” I finished. My baby was conceived over Thanksgiving. After that first night with Reid in Barcelona, the night after we’d laid my sweet grandmother to rest. I didn’t miss the irony of it at all.
I saw the look on my mothers’ face, and knew she was thinking the same thing I was.
“Bendición,” she whispered, her eyes watery.
Blessing.
A profound sense of peace blanketed me just then, and I smiled – it was a real smile, honest and light. How could I be upset when the magnitude of this baby’s presence was so overwhelming? The timing was wrong, but also so perfect, especially after I’d had such a hard time saying goodbye to my grandmother.
This baby felt like a gift somehow, and I refused to allow my fears to take away from that.
The nurse printed some pictures for me, and cleaned me up before helping me sit up.
“Your next appointment is in four weeks, and then we’ll be able to see if it’s a boy or a girl.”
“Thank you,” I replied.
She left the room, and my mother started firing questions at Dr. Burke.
“Just be sure to take your prenatal vitamins every day,” she told me. “My receptionist will give you a list of foods you’ll need to avoid. If you experience any cramping or bleeding, you have my emergency number. I want you to call me if you have any concerns or questions, okay Jade?”
“I will, thank you Doctor.”
She left the room, and I finally looked down at the pictures in my hand. I rubbed over the image over and over again.
I was going to be mom.
And Reid was going to be a dad.
“ARE YOU GOING to tell him?” My mother asked on our way home. I’d decided to stay at their house for the remainder of spring break. Staying alone wasn’t something I wanted to do, and was hoping to have some more time with my mother before she went back to work.
“I’ll have to,” I replied. I took my phone out of my purse, and turned it on. It started pinging loudly as several texts from Kennedy, Grady and Reid started coming through. Reid had called me twelve times in the last six hours, and his texts ranged from:
Where are you? to Answer your phone, please!
His last one read, I’m sorry, please talk to me.
As much as I wanted to speak to him, tell him the news, I just wasn’t ready. I needed some time.
“What do you think daddy will say?” I asked. My mother pulled into their long driveway, and stopped in front of the garage. She shut the car off, and twisted in her seat to face me.
“I think he’ll have some concerns,” she replied, fingering her car keys. “But you know we will support you, Jade.”
She looked down, and I heard her sniffle.
“Are you okay, mama?”
“Si,” she replied. “I’m just very sorry that your father and I have been too busy to see that you were going through some things.”
It was my turn to look away. I couldn’t ease her guilt because she was right. Her and my father, although both very loving and supportive, had been very absent. I was going to need them now, and I was afraid they wouldn’t be there.
My phone rang and when I looked at the screen I saw Reid’s name. I contemplated answering, but it was too soon. I switched it to silent, and just allowed it to go to voicemail.