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But there were so many holes in my story and I couldn’t seem to articulate it all from the beginning to end.

She wasn’t responding coherently to me or asking any questions. She just kept shaking her head in disbelief and wouldn’t say anything when I demanded that she talk to me.

Before I could fully explain the role I played in finding her, Sonia knocked on the door. When I opened it, she burst in.

“Al…are you alright?” Sonia asked as she made her way over to Allison.

Allison shook her head no, her eyes red. She was clearly still in shock and my heart was breaking not being able to comfort her. I knew I was the last person she wanted near her, so I kept my distance standing across the room, still dressed in my robe since I had been unable to change in the time since Allison came here so unexpectedly.

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Sonia was glaring at me and rubbing Allison’s back and after a minute, Allison then managed to look at Sonia and say hoarsely, “Let’s go.”

Just as Allison stood up to leave, Sonia stopped her.

“Wait…what the hell is going on here?

You two weren’t even together, so you couldn’t have broken up…what in the bloody hell happened? She looked to me. “Cedric?

What’s so bad that you thought Allison couldn’t manage to take herself home safely?”

Neither Allison nor I said anything.

Sonia looked back and forth at us.

“No one is going to tell me what the hell is going on?”

A tear ran down Allison’s face and my fists clenched from not being able to wipe it from her cheek.

This moment was one of the worst of my entire life.

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I cleared my throat and forced myself to say something.

“Sonia, Allison may not want to say anything right now. She’s in shock because I just gave her some devastating news. When she is ready, she’ll tell you.” I looked over at Allison, noticing that for the first time gave me a rare bit of eye contact in return.

“And…Allison, when you’re ready, I need to explain more to you. I am so sorry I kept this from you all this time, but when you’re ready to hear it, I’ll try to explain why I did what I did,” I said.

I knew she was in no condition to hear anything more from me tonight. I had done enough damage for one day.

“I am not sure I can believe anything you have to say,” Allison said as she got up and suddenly opened the front door and walked out in tears.

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Sonia followed and looked back at me from the hallway as Allison raced ahead of her. “Good going, asshole.” Her words didn’t penetrate. She could have shot me in the chest at that moment and it might not have mattered.

About a half hour passed and I needed to do something. I hadn’t moved from the same spot I was standing in when she left. I got out my phone and texted her.

Allison, please don’t be scared of

me. I have so much more I need to tell

you. I know you’re not ready to talk

to me. It was never my intention to

keep this from you for so long.

Please, let me know when you are

ready and I promise to explain

everything, if you’ll hear me out.

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She never responded and I hadn’t expected her to. As sick as I felt seeing her leave like that, an eerie bittersweet calm came over me that night as I realized that everything I feared had finally happened and it couldn’t get any worse from here.

The dread of this day had been eating away at me for months and now, for better or worse, the secret was out. Granted, I hadn’t gotten to explain it to her the way I anticipated, but the main facts were out. She would need time to process everything before I would stand a chance of talking to her again and I had to accept that.

The next day, trumpets sounded because…I shaved. It was definitely a longtime coming.

Something else that was a longtime coming

happened:

I finally

confessed

everything to my mother and she cried more than I had ever seen in my entire life, telling 528/727

me that she always felt something was off with me during those months, years ago when Caleb moved out to Chicago to stay with me. She had wrongly suspected it was drugs and that Caleb was keeping it secret.

But of course, at the time, both of us denied that there had been anything wrong.

“Cedric, honey…why did you feel like you couldn’t tell me all of this? All of these years you were keeping the fact that your first love died, from me and Dad?”

“I was ashamed. There are so many parts to what happened that I felt would devastate you back then, given how hard things were with Callie on top of things at that time.

I am so sorry, Ma.”

My mother and I held each other tight as Callie’s iPad made noises next to us in the living room.

“Cedric, this is all so hard to believe.

How am I supposed to handle seeing Allison now…if she comes back to work? That poor 529/727

girl must be so shocked and confused. Tell me again, why you never told her the truth about her sister that very first day?” I ran my hands through my hair, took in a deep breath and exhaled. “That’s the million dollar question isn’t it? I wouldn’t be here in this predicament right now if I had done that, that’s for sure. Mom. That’s something I can’t explain to you. She just had me under a spell from the moment I first laid eyes on her and I didn’t want it to end. It sounds cliché, but I really think I experienced love at first sight. I wanted to be with her and wanted her to see me for me. I knew it would have ended the second I told her the truth. I was selfish, I know.” My mother pulled me in for a hug.

“Selfish, yes, but I know you didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“No, Mom…no, that’s the last thing I wanted, believe me.”

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“I think you need to write her a letter, son.”

“A letter?”

“Yes. She is not going to want to face you for a while, honey. And you won’t be able to explain it the way you want to in person.

There’s too much to the story and from what you told me, you really didn’t do a good job of articulating everything to her face to face.”

“No, I didn’t. I froze,” I said.

“Exactly. So, I want you to stay here with us today. Have a nice dinner, spend time with your sister, and clear your head.

Then, I want you to go home and sit down and focus on what you need to say to her.

Can you do that?”

“I don’t think I have a choice.”

“No, you don’t.”

That night, I spent a calm evening with my mother and sister, grateful to have such a wonderful family.

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After an early dinner of spaghetti and meatballs and a couple of glasses of red wine, I felt more relaxed and took Callie for a walk around the neighborhood. Holding my sister’s hand, I felt for the first time like everything would somehow turn out okay. A lot of that had to do with the weight that was lifted after telling my mother.

At one point, Callie, stopped and was pulling me to go across the street.

“No, Callie, this way,” I said.

Callie was pulling me harder toward the street.

“Allison,” she said.

My heart pounded when I heard her say the name and then I realized Callie was pointing to a girl walking across the street with long dark hair. I soon realized it wasn’t Allison, but just the few seconds I thought it might be her, were enough to show me how intense it would be when I laid eyes on her again.

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Would she even show up here to work with Callie next week? I don’t know how she could. If she does, at least my mother knows everything now.

She knows more than Allison does, in fact.

Not for long. I needed to get home and start working on that letter. I needed to pour my heart out to her, even if it’s the first and last time.