Sitting up from the cold tiled floor of my bathroom, I swiped at my wet cheeks, and pressed my back against the bathtub, wrapping my arms around my knees to draw them into me.

My miscarriage, my near-death experience, and my grief changed me. It made me a bit of a loner. I lost most of my high school friends and I created a distance between myself and my family. Partly because I felt to blame for it all. I had acted recklessly that night with Marco, and in doing so I scared the utter crap out of the people that meant the most to me. They all became super-overprotective. To the point of suffocating me. That only made me internalize everything more.

I was depressed for months. Heartbroken.

In an attempt to try to pull me out of the dark, my parents were actually the ones who surprised everybody by suggesting I stay in student accommodations at university. They believed it would force me to start living again.

And it did.

Suzanne was crazy. She was never serious. She liked to party, and I found her carefree attitude addictive during a time when I really needed that.

I soon discovered, however, that my parents were worried about me getting pregnant again. Although they’d never admonished me for my stupidity, since nature had done enough reprimanding for the both of them, I knew I’d lost something from them. I’d lost their certainty in me. They worried that I’d make the same mistake all over again and that I’d put myself in danger.

So I went with Mum and I got the pill.

I’d been on it ever since, even though until Marco there had never been any real use for it.

By the time I turned nineteen I’d gotten through the worst of it, and standing on the sidelines, waiting for me to come back to them, was my family.

And I did.

They knew I would.

Waiting at the head of that line was Cole. He was the only positive thing to come out of it all. Since the moment I’d collapsed in his arms, a bond had formed between us, gradually growing until we counted each other as best friends. He had always been there in those dark days to assure everyone else that I was still in there and that day by day I was making my way back to them.

Eventually I moved on.

I tried to let it all go.

Until Marco. He came crashing back into my life. No one but my dad knew he was the one who had got me pregnant and left me. I felt all alone again. I couldn’t talk to my dad about it. That was too weird, too uncomfortable, and so it brought everything back.

I tried to fight through the hurt and disappointment to reach for rational thought. Marco hadn’t known I was pregnant. If he’d known it would have been a different story. I was sure of that. It wasn’t his fault any more than it was mine.

Okay, if he hadn’t left me I would have had him by my side when I needed him. Maybe the days wouldn’t have been so dark. However, he’d explained why he left. And Cole had been right. I might not like it, but his explanation was a good one.

I forgave him.

My fingernails dug into my knees.

But to know now that he’d not only returned to Edinburgh without looking me up, but that he’d returned and gotten some other girl pregnant and been there for her… It was devastating.

All that pain was back full force again.

It didn’t matter if it wasn’t rational. I felt it. I felt it scoring my insides.

The hardest thing I’d ever been through and he wasn’t there for me.

But he’d been there for Leah.

I knew I shouldn’t have let him back in.

I couldn’t forgive him this.

“The turkey looks burnt.” Dec made a face at the dead bird as he approached the dinner table.

Mum had gone all out¸ just as she did every year, and the table looked beautiful.

The turkey did not at all look burnt.

“What?” Mum squawked as she hurried into the room, carrying a bowl of potatoes. Her eyes flew to the bird in panic.

I shot my brother a dirty look, ready to reprimand him for teasing Mum when she was anxious, but Dad beat me to it.

“Declan, stop being an idiot and go help your mum get the rest of the food through from the kitchen.”

Dec grunted at the order but didn’t argue with it.

As soon as he was out the door, I made a face at my dad as I rounded the table to take a seat next to Ellie. “Do you think he’ll be passing that irritating stage of teenage idiocy anytime soon? He is eighteen – shouldn’t he be over it by now?”

“I heard that!” Dec shouted from the hallway.

I bugged my eyes out at Ellie as she giggled. “Ears of an owl.”

“An owl?” Joss smiled, amused, as she helped Beth, Luke, and William settle at the kiddie table.

“Yes,” I said. “I do believe they have the sharpest hearing in the world.”

“I do believe you know a whole lot of crap that no one cares about,” Dec said as he returned to the room with a bowl of steamed vegetables.

“Ha.” I greeted him with a grimace. “I do believe I know whose Christmas vouchers are getting canceled if he doesn’t stop being an irritating d-i-c-k.”

“Ah.” Adam sighed contentedly, sitting on Ellie’s other side. “Now it feels like Christmas.”

Ellie giggled into her glass of water.

Mum glared at us both as she set down the last bowl of food and slipped into her seat at the head of the table across from Dad. “Both of you zip it and eat.”

“She’s the one that started it earlier on,” Dec huffed, sitting down next to Braden. “She’s been on my back since she got here. I don’t understand why she stayed the night when she has her own place. And it’s not my fault she’s in a shitty mood because she got dumped.”

I sucked in my breath and everyone with the exception of Braden and Dec tensed. Braden’s reaction was to smack Dec lightly across the back of the head. “One, don’t swear in front of the kids. Two, she didn’t get dumped, she did the dumping. And three, you’re eighteen. Grow up and stop being a pain in the a-r-s-e to your sister. Apologize.”

I was too busy avidly staring at my empty plate to see Dec’s reaction to that. I was attempting to regain control of my breathing after my brother’s words had winded me.

All day I’d been doing my best to forget.

The last few weeks had not been easy, to say the least. I’d had to explain to everyone that Marco and I had broken up, but of course I couldn’t explain why. I didn’t get into it, and I tried my best to appear as unaffected as possible. However, no matter what I said they were all convinced that I was the devastated party in the breakup.

“I’m not devastated,” I’d lied to them on more than one occasion. “We were barely together two months.”

Yet the truth was I missed him so much I was in pain. All the time.

I was completely at war with myself.

In the mornings I would wake up alone but I would feel the press of his warm body against mine like a phantom in the room. I’d remember Marco was out of my life and that warmth would disappear and I was left alone in my flat. My flat that had once been home and now just felt empty and cold.

Like its owner.

When missing him became too much, I’d reach for the phone, and just as I was about to dial his number, I’d remember. How much it hurt. Why it hurt. And why we were no longer together.

Of course it made things easier that Marco didn’t call or come around. I’d packed up the things he’d left at my place and had Nish return them to him. She did it for him. Not for me. Nish and I weren’t really speaking to each other, which made for a very wintry atmosphere in the staff room. I discovered she’d known all along that Marco had a son. He’d asked her to stay quiet on the subject until he had the chance to tell me. Nish was equally pissed off with me for reacting to the news the way I had. She was under the impression I was a selfish, coldhearted bitch.