I grabbed her wrists and held them down at her sides as I pushed my body against hers. I needed to hold her, to know she was mine. I was losing her. I couldn’t fucking lose her. She belonged to me. She had told me she was mine.

“Get off me!” she struggled to free herself from my grip, but it was halfhearted. She knew she couldn’t overpower me. Her body sagged against the tree as I held on to her like she was my gravity. She kept me grounded, and without her, I didn’t know what kind of monster I would become.

“No one before you matters.” I ran my nose along the length of her neck, inhaling the scent of flowers.

“Don’t.” The sadness in her voice was like stabbing a knife in my chest. I had caused this pain in her.

“Please,” I whispered desperately as my lips moved along her throat, leaving light kisses. My breathing grew ragged as I struggled to hold on to my sanity. “Emma, don’t leave me.” I begged, and I knew she had all of the power. It was never me. I knew I would have nothing if I lost her. My world would implode, but Emma would move on, and eventually she would find someone she deserved. The thought made me sick to my stomach. I knew it would be best to let her go, but I couldn’t. I pulled back to look at her face. She squeezed her eyes closed as she struggled to stop her tears.

“Tell me you love me.”

Her head turned away from me. I placed a hand on either side of her face, forcing her to look me in the eye.

“I don’t want to,” she whispered. I pressed my mouth against hers, needing to feel her love for me. She might not have said the words, but I knew her feelings were real. They had to be real. Her lips began to move with mine giving me a tiny glimmer of hope. Her lips parted, and I deepened our kiss, groaning as her tongue pressed back against mine. I needed to show her how much I cared for her the only way I knew how. It wasn’t with my actions, and I knew I didn’t say the things she wanted to hear, but I could make her feel it. My hand slid down her side as I pushed my hips against hers.

She pulled her lips from mine as she struggled to right her breathing.

“I can’t. I can’t do this.” She shook her head as fresh tears pricked her eyes. I slid the pad of my thumb over the apple of her cheek.

“Emma, you are the only person who means anything to me.”

Emma stared down at her hands, refusing to look me in the eye as big heavy drops fell through the branches of the tree. I knew in that moment I had lost her. She would never understand the things I had done. She would never forgive me for the lies and pain I had caused. I had taken a life full of promise and destroyed it, smothered it with my fucked-up sense of affection. Even though she stood in front of me, she was long gone. She was never mine to own. She wasn’t an object I could claim and keep on a shelf for when I wanted to play. I just wished I had figured that out before it was too late.

“Come home with me, please. I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Please.” I needed her to understand that everything I had done was out of love for her. I knew once I spilled my secrets there would be no turning back. I wouldn’t get a second chance. I didn’t deserve one, but Emma did. She deserved to move on and find someone who wasn’t fucked up. I could give her that one last thing by letting her know who I really was.

Thunder rumbled in the distance as the rain picked up. She nodded, wrapped my arm around her waist, and I guided her toward my black BMW. We were completely soaked when we finally reached the car. Still, I opened her door and waited until she was inside and secure before I got in.

I drove for miles, listening to the sound of the rain on the car roof as I thought of where I was going to start with my confessions.

“Who is she?” Her voice shook under the weight of her words.

“She…shares a similar…lifestyle as me.” I looked over at Emma’s face scrunched in confusion.

“What does that mean? Is she a teacher?”

I laughed sardonically at her innocence and how fucked up of a person I really was. “No.” I shook my head as I stole another glance at her.

“She’s…like me.”

“No. No one is like you.” I reached over to take her and offer her some sort of comfort, but she pulled away, recoiling from my touch. She pressed herself against her door as I repeated her words. “She’s like me.” Her eyes burned into me as she let the information sink in.

“But why would you…?” Her voice trailed off as she struggled to understand why I needed to do the things I did. For her it was fun and kinky, but for me it was a necessity. It was the only way I could get close to someone else. I could never let my guard down. I gripped the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles turned white. I needed to get us back to my place. I couldn’t do this without looking her in the eye. I pushed down on the gas pedal as I made my way down the highway.

“Slow down.”

“She helped me work through things, Emma.” If I could just make her understand—it was the only way I could be close to anyone.

“Work through things? What does that even mean?”

“Sexually. She is a…dom—” I reached out for her again, but she refused my touch.

“Slow down.” She called out again.

“Why was she there?”

That was the real question, and I knew I was going to throw her entire world out of orbit with the information I had to share.

“She wasn’t there for me. She came to pay her respects to your aunt.” I glanced over at her before focusing on the road. The rain was coming down so hard that the wipers couldn’t keep up.

“Your aunt…” I couldn’t find the right words to make this any easier for her. “Your aunt was also like me.” It was more than confessing an alternative lifestyle. I was also confessing that I had known Judy. I was a liar. But she needed to understand that I had never laid a finger on J.

“No.” Emma shook her head as she processed the information. “No.”

“Emma, please.” I grabbed her wrist, needing to feel her heartbeat under my fingertips. “I never touched her. Never! I promise you. I barely knew her.” She struggled to free herself from my grip. “I haven’t been with anyone else since I began seeing you.”

I knew I should let her go. She didn’t want me to touch her, and I didn’t deserve any comfort from her.

“You knew her this whole time? You have been lying to me this whole time?” she yelled.

“Emma, please. I didn’t know when I met you. I will tell you anything you want to know.” I was desperate, clinging to the hope that the truth would somehow set me free. Hoping that, when it was all said and done, I could start new. But I still couldn’t force myself to let go of her. I gripped her wrist tightly in my hand as I clung to my sanity. I searched her eyes for compassion, for a glimmer of hope that she wouldn’t think I was evil.

“I hate you.”

Her words were like a hot knife in my flesh. I had fucked up beyond repair, but I had done it for her. Everything was for her.

“Emma, please…” my voice shook.

“William!” she screamed in terror, and in that moment, the world slowed. I released her, finally able to break from her pull, but it was too late. There was no pain, just the deafening sound of metal crunching and twisting around us. In an instant, she was ripped from my heart, and my world went dark.

My head was throbbing as I awoke. I felt like I had been on a three-day bender. The light stung my eyes, and I had to squint to keep from making my head hurt worse. Small, delicate fingers squeezed my hand. I looked up at the beautiful brunette that stood over me. She looked like she had been through hell and back, and I imagined if she had been wherever I was, that was an accurate description.